Saved From The Skip

If it ain't broke...

2007-03-12T13:20:00.000+01:00

Much as I hate to complain, I must say the whole new set-up on blogger SUCKS.

Ever since blogger.com "migrated" to the new site, I find it less user friendly, and much, much more of a hassle than it used to be.

Examples: Logging into your site to begin with is now a cumbersome affair, as there are now two prompts for passwords instead of only one.

There is no longer a character format bar on the "new post", so you can't simply select text and click the bold or italic options. Instead, there are "shortcuts" which don't seem to work.

There seems to be no way of regulating font or point-size.

The "post options" appear to be limited only to regulating user comments.

How do you add hyperlinks to text. It was so easy before. Now I can't for the life of me work out how to do it, and it is PISSING ME OFF.

Before, we were given a choice between normal view mode and html. This option seems to have vanished on the new blogger. Why?

But what i really want to know is...

What was the point of changing a perfectly good system for one which is plainly much worse? And do we get the option to return to things as they were before?

Answers would be appreciated.

Coming home to roost

2007-03-06T21:33:00.000+01:00

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But a vote in the bag seems to be worth more than both, even if it comes at the cost of Malta’s international reputation. BirdLife director TOLGA TEMUGE outlines the implications of government’s current showdown with Europe over Spring hunting

“Fifteen days between the first and second full moon in March…” It sounds like something straight out of The Last of the Mohicans; but despite the pagan phraseology, this is not an ancient timetable for human sacrifice, nor a primeval form of contraceptive programme. It is actually the hunting lobby’s formal reply when asked to recommend specific dates for this year’s Spring hunting season at last Monday’s Ornis meeting.

Sitting at his desk at BirdLife’s Ta’ Xbiex offices, Tolga Temuge, the NGO’s Turkish-born executive director, jokes about the “exotic”, “tribal” language used to couch the unusual request. But beneath the humour, the underlying concern is serious.

“Coupled with their insistence on a season for hunting at sea during spring, this is as clear an indication as possible that the hunters are not really interested in only shooting turtle-dove and quail, as the supposed derogation states,” Temuge explains. “In reality, the requested timeframe coincides exactly with the wild duck season, as unlike other migratory birds, ducks follow a lunar, not a stellar, migration pattern.”

There is more. Wild ducks, Tolga continues, are most commonly observed by day over the Gozo channel – unlike either turtle-dove or quail, which tend to migrate over the sea by night, and therefore cannot realistically be shot from boats. According to Temuge and his colleagues at BirdLife Malta, all this points towards what the hunters are really after with their insistence on hunting in Spring: a blanket open season to shoot anything that flies.

But for the benefit of those who don’t actually give a flying duck about the hunting issue to begin with: why all this fuss about hunting in spring? And what, exactly, is at stake for Malta?

“A lot,” comes Temuge’s swift reply. “The issue is no longer just about birdlife or even conservation. It is now about the hefty fines that Malta will almost certainly incur if it persists in its obstinacy. It is also a question of safeguarding Malta’s rapidly deteriorating reputation overseas.”

But before looking into the wider implications, Tolga Temuge invites me to consider the particular significance of the EU directive in question. “The first thing we have to bear in mind is that this issue revolves around what it means to be part of the European Union,” Temuge claims. “Basically, the EU sets the rules of engagement for everything you care to name: fisheries, communications, energy production, agriculture, the environment… and also birds. As an EU member state since 2003, Malta is required by European law to transpose the Birds Directive in its entirety. But what is the Birds Directive, and why is it so important?”

Answering his own question, Temuge defines the 1979 law as quite simply “the best conservation legislation of its kind in the world.”“What makes it so good is that it was the result of discussion and co-operation between three different entities: the European Commission, the federation of European hunters (FACE), and BirdLife international. The resulting legislation therefore enjoys the blessing of all parties concerned. This means that, everywhere except Malta, the hunters themselves agree that wild birds should be given a chance to reproduce.” Apart from clearly prohibiting any form of hunting in the nesting season, and the trapping of wild birds at any time of the year, the Birds Directive also safeguards natural habitats by requiring member countries to designate areas for special protection. This, in turn, guarantees Europeans access to pristine natural environment.

“But then, you get one country which refuses to play ball, and suddenly the whole set-up is at risk,” Temuge adds. “What many people do not realise is that if Malta gets away with this act of violation, it could spell the end of the Birds Directive in Europe. After all, if an exception can be made for Malta, then why not for everyone else? What would happen if Italian or Spanish hunters start claiming the same derogation? This is why the EU cannot possibly afford to concede to Malta’s request. The consequences of the resulting domino effect would be disastrous for European wildlife.”

Yes, but what about the government’s claim that it had obtained a derogation on spring hunting during pre-accession negotiations? A claim repeated by both Environment Minister George Pullicino and the Prime Minister earlier this week, precisely in defence of last Monday’s decision?

Tolga shakes his head. “The only derogation obtained by Malta is a five-year transitional period regarding trapping, which is limited to seven species, and which expires at the end of next year,” he explains. “As regards spring hunting, the situation is different. Malta made the case during negotiations that its circumstances were exceptional. But it still has to prove this. If the government claims that there is no alternative to spring shooting, that claim must be substantiated. And here is the trouble: the government knows it can’t substantiate this claim, because our circumstances are not exceptional at all.”

Temuge also points out that, despite having applied for the derogation at pre-accession stage, the Maltese government has so far failed to abide by the usual derogation process, refusing to actually send in its justification for the request for three consecutive years. Why is that, I naively ask? Tolga smiles wryly. “Because it can’t. Neither government nor the Ornis committee has any scientific data to justify the need for hunting in spring. Not because there is no data on the subject; there is, and it is available to everyone who cares to look, including the Commission. No, the trouble is, existing data does not add up to a justification for any derogation on spring hunting. On the contrary, all it shows is that there is an alternative to spring shooting: shooting in autumn. This is why the government is playing for time.”

And it appears that time is very much on the government’s side. As Pullicino himself said in his press conference last Monday, the process leading to fines by the European Court of Justice is “lengthy”. By the time any decision is reached, the next general election will be ancient history, and Pullicino himself will most likely no longer be Environment Minister. But Temuge counters this by arguing that the fines, when they eventually come, will be all the higher for having been delayed. OK… but how high? How much is Malta’s insistence on spring hunting expected to cost the taxpayer in the long term? Tolga shrugs. “That will be up to the European Court of Justice to decide. Judging by the experiences of other countries such as France, which paid over EUR100 million over a breach of the Fisheries Directive, the amount will probably be a lot.”

But there is another dimension that Temuge thinks we are all overlooking: that the cost is not limited to EU fines alone. Unrestrained hunting carries a hefty price-tag in other spheres too. Not least, tourism. It is difficult to quantify the exact impact of hunting on the islands’ hospitality and leisure sector. But recent developments suggest that Malta is already paying too high a price for its overindulgence of the hunting community’s demands. According to a 2003 Malta Hotels & Restaurants Association (MHRA) survey, a staggering 391,000 tourists a year – a figure almost equivalent to the total Maltese population – “noticed” hunting and trapping in the course of their stay. Of these, 20 per cent claimed the experience had a “major negative impact” on their holiday… prompting former MHRA president Justin Zammit Tabona to observe: “It is very preoccupying that the very substantial investment in the hotel and restaurant industry, and the 20,000 jobs this provides, should be at the mercy of a minority who can only see gun barrels beyond their noses”. More recently still, a delegation from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (UK) came to Malta to present the Prime Minister with a 115,000-strong anti-hunting petition... only to be repeatedly denied an appointment, and left waiting on the steps of Castile.

“It’s a shame that Malta refuses to take advantage of the situation to improve its environmental credentials,” Temuge laments. “Look at Slovenia, for instance, another recent EU accession state. It has designated two-thirds of its total area as a special environmental protection area. The result? A country of great natural beauty, which attracts educated, cultured and high-spending tourists. In Malta, on the other hand, we have a national branding campaign directed precisely towards the same goal; but then, we discourage quality tourism by insisting on allowing this kind of disgraceful behaviour. In the end, Malta will only attract the sort of tourist who doesn’t care about beauty or culture, but only about drinking. In other words, tourists who spend less money and cause more trouble. Is this what we really want?”

On another level, Malta’s constant defiance of European law on the environmental front is causing untold damage to our reputation overseas. This, Temuge claims, is a pity, when you consider that unlike other countries, Malta has no other major blemish on its credentials as a respectable, law-abiding nation.

“Let’s face it: Malta is not the United States or Afghanistan – to name two countries which, for different reasons, are often viewed as ‘rogue’ states with scant regard for international law. On the contrary: Malta is a small country, a beautiful country, which does no harm to anyone. People should think of Malta and smile. They certainly should not regard Malta as a black spot for the destruction of wildlife and natural beauty…” But this, Tolga insists, is how a growing number of people are beginning to view our country as a result of our obsession with killing birds. And looking at the current situation from a foreigner’s perspective, it becomes increasingly difficult to fault their perception.

Tolga Temuge enumerates the progressive stages of deterioration in Malta’s ornithological track record: “For years, the Maltese government has not really done anything to put a stop to illegal hunting. On the contrary, it has done everything in its power to appease the hunters. More recently, the government made it painstakingly clear that it has every intention of openly defying the Birds Directive by allowing spring shooting. Meanwhile, the government has failed to reply to the reasoned opinion, sent by the EU Commission last June, despite the lapse of two deadlines. “And now, with the latest scandalous turn of events, the Environment Minister has shown he is capable of violating his own government’s laws – in particular, legal notice 79, which was published just last year.”

Talking about Monday’s Ornis meeting, Temuge can scarcely conceal his contempt for the proceedings. “The entire affair was farcical. Not only did an Ornis committee member reveal that the decision had already been taken by the government, in direct breach of section 9.2 of LN79; but it emerged that the date given (April 10) also violated section 10.6, which specifies that a minimum of six weeks’ notice is required before the recommendation of a date for the open season is even submitted…”

The meeting was incongruous for other reasons, too. Not least the fact that the Minister first claimed that it was supposed to be “behind closed doors” – for which reason he objected to BirdLife’s subsequent divulgence of details to the press – but then found no objection to the surprise attendance of FKNK president Lino Farrugia, who walked uninvited into the meeting despite not being an Ornis committee member.

“And then, at seven o’ clock, the minister held a surprise press conference to present his own version of events, knowing full well that details of the meeting had already been leaked to the press,” Temuge adds.

During the same press conference, the minister said that there will be increased penalties in the case of hunters caught breaking the law. How does Birdlife react to this particular announcement?

“The minister also announced that the spring hunting season will take place ‘under strict supervision’,” Temuge replies with more than a hint of sarcasm. “How exactly does government plan to implement this, when there are fewer than 30 ALE officers to monitor the activities of some 16,000 hunters (excluding trappers) in both Malta and Gozo?”

Turning away from last Monday’s meeting, I ask Temuge if he feels BirdLife enjoys the support of the public at large: more specifically, whether we can expect the NGO to return to its earlier, 1980s strategy of holding colourful demonstrations in the streets.

“BirdLife has no intention of taking to the streets in the near future,” Temuge replies. “If other people want to organise an anti-hunting protest, they are more than welcome. I for one will attend, just like I attended the protests against the ODZ extensions last June.”

But Tolga Temuge also agrees that there is a general sense of apathy when it comes to civic action. “Not just about the hunting issues. It seems that there is a lack of public participation in most spheres. Having said that, mass protests of the kind you saw in the 1980s are not necessarily the best way to fight the cause. Look at the hunters: they seem to get what they want even without taking to the streets. This is the point we are trying to make: if the anti-hunting majority continue to bury their heads in the sand, hoping that things will change after the election, they are terribly wrong. This, in fact, is what the government is basing its calculations on: that people don’t care enough to base their vote on this issue. However, I think that very soon now, they will realise that they have grossly miscalculated.”

Escape to Repatriation

2007-03-06T21:28:00.000+01:00

RAPHAEL VASSALLO takes a look at Eritrea: Voices of Torture… one film the MTA will not be using as part of its Brand Malta campaign.

It is arguably one of the most consistently successful motif in the history of film. Think Papillon, The Great Escape, Cool Hand Luke, The Shawshank Redemption… even Malta’s own contribution to the genre, Midnight Express. There is something cathartic in the well-told story of a daring jailbreak: something which appeals to the viewer’s subconscious yearnings for justice and liberty, and which can only be accentuated if the protagonist is an unjustly imprisoned, or grossly mistreated, victim. But not all escape movies are intended to entertain; and not all “escapes to victory” come complete with a happy ending.

For those who were closely involved in the proceedings of September 2002 – when 223 Eritrean immigrants were forcibly repatriated from Malta, many of them to be tortured on their return – the recent emergence of a documentary on the subject will not have come as a great surprise. Its director, London-based human rights activist Elsa Chyrum, was among the frontliners in the campaign against the deportation at the time, and has since vociferously condemned Malta’s handling of the affair on local and foreign media alike. She was also the first to alert Amnesty International (AI) to the situation, and it is largely thanks to AI’s involvement in the case that the subsequent fate of many of these deportees eventually came to light.

In Eritrea: Voices of Torture, two of the survivors, Habtom Teclab and Semis Mohamed Gaid, relive their treatment at the hands of Eritrean prison guards after their repatriation. Admittedly, many of the shocking details included in the film were already made public by The Times after the AI report in May 2004: how the prisoners were regularly tied up and beaten, forced to walk barefoot on thorns and sharp stones, and deprived of water in temperatures of up to 47 degrees, among other degrading practices. It is clear from individual accounts that some of the detainees, especially those who had fled forced conscription, would never leave their prison camp alive. After a second failed attempt to escape from the notorious Dakhla penal colony, Habtom himself was beaten, bound, and suspended in the scorching sun for 55 days and nights. “We did not look like human beings at that time,” he recalls today from his home in Canada, where he now lives after a third (this time successful) escape. At least three of the other Malta deportees – Robel Goniche, Alazar Gebrendrias and Mussie (Amiche) – have since died after suffering similar treatment is the prisons of Asmara and Dakhla.

“We will probably never know”

Apart from revealing the gruesome realities of war-torn Eritrea, the 20-minute documentary only raises questions about Malta’s role in this humanitarian nightmare. At its most generous, Voices of Torture suggests that the government of Malta “seriously misjudged” the situation in Eritrea. But Chyrum’s narration goes one step further, arguing that the deportation itself was illegal, in that it took place “in direct contravention of the International Convention Relating to the Status of Refugees.”

More upsetting still are the allegations of mistreatment by Maltese authorities during the repatriation process. Habtom Teclab recalls the night of September 22, 2002 with visible bitterness: “It was one or two in the morning and we were asleep in our beds with our night clothes. Suddenly lots of Maltese soldiers entered the camp with sprays, sticks and guns. They surrounded us, two soldiers to one, and forcibly handcuffed us and took us out.”Semis Gaid supplies additional details: “Some 300 soldiers came to our detention centre to arrest about 150 people. Each prisoner was beaten and handcuffed by two soldiers and taken outside.”In actual fact, the above operation was carried out by the police, although the armed forces were indeed called in to provide support.

Local authorities have so far been reluctant to comment on the alleged beating of detainees before repatriation. AFM Commander Brig. Carmelo Vassallo referred me to the inquiry carried out in May 2005 by magistrate Abigail Lofaro, which roundly exonerated the authorities of all blame. But the report’s conclusions, while dwelling at length on legal, technical and procedural issues, fail to address any specific individual mistreatment allegation against the local police or armed forces.

Meanwhile, the question of whether the deportation was legal or not continues to elude any clear answer to this day. In defence of its actions, the Maltese Government has consistently argued that the decision was taken in consultation with UNHCR, which had itself declared Eritrea a “safe destination” prior to the deportation. More significantly, none of the 223 deportees had applied for refugee status while in Malta, despite having being given ample time and opportunity to do so. For her part, Elsa Chyrum believes the Maltese government had misinterpreted the UNHCR, which at the time was involved in a programme of voluntary repatriation of Eritrean refugees from Sudan: “Soon after the 1998-2000 war… UNHCR published a cessation of status that was wrongly interpreted by the Maltese government,” she told Canadian based organization AfricaFiles. “UNHCR stated those who were displaced during the revolutionary years, that is prior to 1991, could safely return to Eritrea.” It was on the basis of this document, which was clearly inapplicable to immigrants arriving in 2002, that the deportation was later justified.

The issue of refugee status application, on the other hand, is not touched upon in Chyrum’s documentary. Considering that the role of counsellor to asylum seekers generally falls to NGOs, among them UNHCR, it is at best unclear why the Eritrean migrants refused to comply with standard immigration procedures at the Hal Far detention centre. This anomaly assumes weighty implications in the context of the 1951 International Refugee Convention, which has often been criticised as too vague, especially in its definitions of the word ‘refugee’. Were the Eritrean migrants informed of the possible consequences of their refusal to comply? And if so, by whom?

Speaking to me in confidence, one witness to the proceedings said simply: “We will probably never know”… adding that the UNHCR’s own internal procedures had prevented its Malta official from testifying before the inquiring magistrate. In the end, then, at least part of the entire deportation fiasco may well boil down to a simple, albeit tragic, communication failure.

“Impossible to seek asylum”

On another level, Voices Of Torture also speaks volumes about the dire circumstances faced by asylum seekers on the long trek to Europe. While voices in Malta continue to argue that Sub-Saharan Africans travel across two, three, even four ‘stable’ countries before coming here, Habtom’s ordeal suggests that in reality, there are no safe havens south of the Mediterranean littoral.

For reasons of geography, Eritrean asylum seekers have little choice but to cross the frontier into Sudan. The expression must be understood figuratively, for the two countries have been mired in a border controversy since the early 1990s. Matters are further complicated by the fact that Sudan ostensibly forms part of an alliance which also includes Kenya, Uganda and Ethiopia, Eritrea’s traditional enemy. But the country also depends on the Eritrean government for mediation between the various factions in its own ongoing civil war. The resulting scenario is that Eritrean government agents operate freely in Sudan, and escaped ‘prisoners of war’, as Eritrea’s conscientious objectors are invariably classified, can expect little protection from their immediate neighbours. From the documentary, it transpires that the guards responsible for Robel Goniche’s death were in fact members of the Sudanese border police, and not Eritrean soldiers as elsewhere reported.

Libya, too, is singled out as a ‘black spot’ for asylum seekers. As Habtom puts it, “Sudan’s and Libya’s human rights records are as bad as Eritrea’s. It’s almost impossible to seek asylum in those countries.” This impression is confirmed by international agencies such as Human Rights Watch, which observed in its September 2006 report that “migrants, refugees, and asylum seekers reported physical abuse by Libyan police and prison guards, sometimes allegedly resulting in deaths.” Furthermore, Libya has no asylum law or procedure, has not signed the 1951 Refugees Convention, and refuses to enter into any kind of formal agreement with UNHCR.These revelations may have uncomfortable implications for the European Commission’s current immigration strategy, which involves co-operation with Libya to a large degree. As a result of European pressure, Libya has recently overturned its “open-door policy” on irregular migrants: a move which has done little to prevent thousands of asylum seekers from pouring into the country through its border with Chad, but which may have had the effect of immediately criminalising the estimated three million immigrants already in the country. Ironically, in the final analysis it can be argued that by persuading Libya to “stem the tide” of immigration, the European Union may have indirectly created a further reason for asylum seekers to risk the perilous Mediterranean crossing in the first place. From this perspective, it seems likely that the Eritrean experience will one day be repeated.

Eritrea: Voices Of Torture can be viewed on http://youtube.com. The film has been flagged on account of its disturbing content, and can only be accessed by registered YouTube users. So far, by mid-January, it has been viewed 42,962 times.

James Brown Shuffles Off His Mortal Coil

2006-12-30T14:47:00.000+01:00

By our Staff Reporter, Will Shakespeare.

(A hospital room in Atlanta, Georgia) Alas! The soul of Soule away hath been stol’n this Monday last, when JAMES BROWNE, Revel of Rhythm and Bard of the Blues, did pass from this great stage of fools, aged three score and thirteen.
“Melancholy indeed am I to stand before thee alone. A team were we,” quoth Brown’s personal attendant Charles Bobbit at the press parley Tuesday last, where his plenteous woes did pour forth in drops of sorrow.
Attend did Bobbit beside the death-marked man where he lay, and chanced to hear his passing words: “This night do I depart.”
Thus, with three long quiet breathes, he dyed.
Ripp’d from his motheres womb in Barnwell, (a smalle hamlet in the Colonies), year of OUR LORD, 1933, break through did Browne the mists of his lowly originnes as sonne of a Moorish cotton-reapere, to win great honour ‘pon the battle fieldes of pop. Rude was he of lyrics, and unpolished in his funkie beates. But t’was his portance ‘pon the stage that bought golden opinions o’ critics and the time, when, his roisting rhythmes beating loude within his yers, by sound and fury Browne rapt would be, and imitate the actions of an Anthropophaginian.
Long shall be remembranc’d the parted Godfathere of Soule, for the lascivious pleasing of his multitudinous smash-hittes, ‘mongst which be found:
Prithee, Prithee, Prithee
Proclaim it Aloud: Moorish Am I, And Also Proude
I Have Thee (Gode Feel I), and
Arise! (Desire Do I To Be Akin to) A Sexe Machine.

Farewell, sweet Sovereign of Soule.

Eat my ashes, Danny Boy...

2006-05-19T15:18:00.000+02:00

"There is something feeble and a little contemptible about a man who cannot face the perils of life without the help of comfortable myths. Almost inevitably some part of him is aware that they are myths and that he believes them only because they are comforting. But he dare not face this thought! Moreover, since he is aware, however dimly, that his opinions are not rational, he becomes furious when they are disputed."

Bertrand Russel, Human Society in Ethics and Politics

Wanted: new England manager

2006-04-30T12:00:00.000+02:00

A vacancy has arisen for the position of manager of the English national football team. The ideal candidate should fit the description below:

Mustn't drink;

Mustn't smoke;

Mustn't take drugs, or indulge in any vice known to man;

No criminal record;

Can't have had a single affair in his entire life (Ideally, should never have had sex at all);

Must be patient, and possess the necessary communication skills to get his message across to people with the intelligence of David Beckham;

Mustn't have any children or family who can be threatened;

Must be prepared to forgive and forget any media intrusion into his private life, no matter how outrageously unreasonable;

Must have a minimum of three years' experience in persecution, suffering, torture and death;

Must be able to come back from even the most devastating defeats;

And finally, must be able to perform the mother of all miracles and turn England into a World Cup winning team.

Oh hang on, we might just have found the perfect candidate:

(Needless to add, no previous football experience necessary)

The Empire Strikes Back

2006-04-23T17:20:00.000+02:00

Luke! Come and join me for a shitty lager!

NEVER!!

Who says blogs aren't influential?

2006-04-22T21:03:00.000+02:00

Click to enlarge

Wanted for crimes against literature

2006-04-22T15:55:00.000+02:00

The police are looking for a man
Who wrote some verse that didn't scan

Suspected of committing crimes
Like coming up with awful rhymes.

"If you have info leading to
His capture, call 2122.

Do not approach him on your own
Just call us on the telephone.

Thanks for your attention," said
The Chief Inspector, Captain Fred.

Cherie's Hair

2006-04-21T22:06:00.000+02:00

(sung to the tune of Penny Lane, by The Liverpool Benders)

Cherie's Hair,
There is a barber showing photographs
Of every cheque
he's had the pleasure to receive,
For sums of cash you just would not believe.
He's from Tel Aviv.

And Mrs Blair:
She's now the subject of controversy
She's all the papers
Can be bothered to discuss
But would they bother making such a fuss
About the rest of us?
(They don't give a toss...)

[OK, chorus coming up here, folks... now sing along, you boys and girls]

CHERIE'S HAIR
IS RIGHT UP THERE
WITH PRINCESS DI...
THE LATEST
APPLE OF
THE MEDIA'S EYE

Oh my, and
mean-
while
back

At Number Ten,
The old PM just gave a conference.
He unveiled
His party's plans for its third term:
"We're going to base them all on Cherie's perm."
He was very firm.

[sound of rhythmic thumping of desks]

But the rest
Of the backbenchers had a heart attack:
"We forked out less
Campaigning in Drybeck and Hoff...
Than we spent upon your wife's new coif:
Can't she just piss off?"

But Tony scoffed:

"CHERIE'S HAIR
IS ALL I CARE
ABOUT RIGHT NOW
- ASSIGN
ANOTHER BILLION
TO IT, BROWN!

Or else I
won't
step
down..."

[And now, one octave higher]

CHERIE'S HAIR!
IT'S ALWAYS THERE,
AND ALWAYS BLAND!
EVEN
WHEN IT'S DONE
FOR SEVEN GRAND...

It still is
out
of
hand.

[Interlude: This is the part with all the fancy trumpets and stuff....]

CHERIE'S HAIR
IS RIGHT UP THERE
WITH PRINCESS DI...

CHERIE'S HAIR
IS ALL WE CARE
ABOUT RIGHT NOW...

CHERIE'S HAIR
IT'S ALWAYS THERE
AND ALWAYS BLAND...

It cost seven grand.

"Tufty" called up for England

2006-04-20T14:01:00.000+02:00

It's konfirmed! Tufty (above), the grey squirrel which invaded the pitch during yesterday's Champions League semifinal between Arsenal and Villa Real, has been called up to play for England by Sven Goran Eriksson.

Contacted by the Skip, Sven explained: "It's not often that you see such flair, fur and natural talent on an English pitch these days."

Above all, Tufty impressed the England coach with his stamina, determination and team spirit: qualities which are manifestly lacking in the current England squad.

"While other players moan about referee decisions, and get embroiled in tabloid sex scandals, Tufty got down to what matters most: doing his own thing on the pitch. I think the rest of my players have a lot to learn from the bushy-tailed newcomer," Sven added.

In fact, Tufty made his presence felt immediately upon the field. Coming on at the 11th minute, he captured the stadium's undivided attention with a spectacular run into Villa Real's penalty area, effortlessly sidestepping a number of tackles by the visibly stunned defence, until his performance was rudely interrupted by yet another questionable referee decision to suspend the match.

Later he emerged a second time to tremendous applause from the appreciative home crowd, once again dazzling Highbury with a series of devastating incursions deep into the Real midfield.

"With Roonie's cheek, Tufty's tail and Beckham's hair-do, there'll be no stopping England at this year's World Cup," Sven konfidently konkluded.

However, the F.A. (Furry Association) has expressed doubts about Tufty's eligibility to play for the English national team.

"We're not doubting Tufty's abilities as a football player," klaimed an FA spokesperson, "but the fact of the matter is that he is a grey squirrel, and therefore by definition American. Besides, as you are probably aware there's a war going on between British and American squirrels, and we are concerned that selecting Tufty may create unnecessary tensions with England's Red Squirrel fan-base."

Meanwhile, rumours of an affair between Sven and Tufty's girlfriend, super-squirrel model Ulrika Staller (otherwise known as "Nocciolina", below) have been dismissed out of hand by the England coach.

The kase kontinues...

Home of the Shitty Lager (TM)

2006-04-19T18:16:00.000+02:00

"In a faraway galaxy, long, long ago,
An Evil Empire once started to grow.

It aimed to spread terror, disturbance and fear,
And above all, to market its own shitty beer.

So pubs the world over would sell the same crap:
In bottles, in cans, and also on tap..."

Excerpt from The Tibetan Book of Shitty Lager, by Dow Nin Wan (the original Zulu Warrior)

Make no mistake, from those humble origins, Shitty Lager Incorporated (TM) is now a major global international conspiracy aimed at conquering all the world's beer markets without exception.

If successful, it may not only run many decent home breweries out of business, but it may even pose a serious threat the Universal Declaration of Alcoholics' Rights (1947), which plainly states that "All lager-louts and beer-drinkers the world over have a God-given right to a reasonable selection of beers, served chilled in a clean glass, and with an appropriate portion of salted peanuts on the side."

But as we speak, independent breweries are slowly but surely being bought out by Shitty Lagers Incorporated, so that very soon, from L.A to Wellington NZ, all that will be available in pubs and bars would be a watery, urine-like yellowy liquid, topped with tooth-paste textured froth, attempting to pass itself off as real beer.

However, connoisseurs of shitty lager will immediately recognise it for what it is: Pissner, an ammonia-based substance virtually indistinguishable from the form it takes as it leaves the human body some 15 seconds after consumption.

So far, Shitty Lager Incorporated has already added the following renowned beers to its international shitty portfolio:

1. Bud-Sheisser
2. Oranjepoop
3. Cruzcagado
4. Heinyken (probably the piss lager in the world)
5. Arseberg (they only said 'probably')
6. Kronenturd
7. Ass Pale Ale
8. Stool Artois (Belgian Wipe Lager)
and, of course,
9. Cisk Lager in The Can.

Here at the Skip we will regularly publish updates as more and more decent beers fall victim to this plague on the global alcoholism industry.

Until then, Good Night, Good Luck and Vive la Resistance!

Houston, we have a problem

2006-04-19T01:17:00.000+02:00

The weirdest thing just happened to me.

I spent ages working on an update, only to find that Explorer would automatically quit each time I tried to view the page after publishing the new post.

It kept giving the same error message over and over again. And for some funny reason, it was in Latin.

Anyhow, in the end the only way I could gain access to my own blog was to delete the post altogether and start again.

Now, I am not a superstitious man, but you tell me. Could it possibly have anything to do with the fact that I pointed out a certain resemblance between the following two pics??

(Note - the original caption was: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Vatican, Pope Benedict's head spins 360 degrees and discharges a jet of green puke. Where the hell is Max Von Sydow when you need him?")

No beards please, we're British

2006-04-17T15:48:00.000+02:00

"Is it a beard? Is it a plane..?"

Ever since anti-terror legislation formally outlawed facial hair in the UK, I have been accosted by an increasing number of total strangers in bars and pubs, most of whom are curious to know whether the hair on my face is real, or just a stag party costume accessory which also came with a horned helmet and shield.

Most often this happens immediately after one's beard mysteriously makes contact with the rich, creamy froth of one's pint of Rev. James, creating an impression of archaic wisdom, impaired co-ordination, quixotic stoogery and geriatric complacence, all magnificently rolled into one.

On these occasions, I am often asked positively ludicrous questions, such as: how long have you had your beard? (To which the answer, of course, is "7mm".) How long did it take for all the bald patches to converge? (They don't always: if you look closely, you will see still a single, distinct, hairless oasis of skin in the middle of both my cheeks.) And... doesn't it itch after a while? (Well, of course it does. Why else do you think I have to keep dipping it in beer all the time?)

Besides: to no avail do I inform my quintessentially hairless interrogators that beards are nothing but a perfectly natural consequence of failure to ever shave one's face. And that they, too, could have facial hair like mine, if they just threw away their razors and shaving foam, grew a pair of testicles, and switched from shitty lager to a real man's drink... like proper ale, or dark rum and engine oil.

But no, they reply. British people are genetically incapable of growing beards. And even if they could, they would automatically be considered Moslems by the rest of the community, and therefore never invited to join the Sunday school choir again.

To which all I can say is: too beard...

IL MIO AMICO ARNOLD

2006-04-12T14:58:00.000+02:00

"Sono stato eletto?! Ma che cazzo stai dicendo, Prodi...?!?!!"

Update: So let me see if I've got this right: With 19,000 votes, Arnold managed to get elected to parliament in a country of 58 million people. But with 24,000 votes in a country of just 390,000, he failed to get elected to the European Parliament. Am I missing something here?

Blood in the treetops

2006-04-10T15:30:00.000+02:00

Sectarian violence, or full blown squirrel war? Saved From The Skip looks at the Red Squirrel insurgency against Grey Squirrel occupation, currently raging in a forest near you

How many squirrels must die before a nation acknowledges it is in a squirrel war? For years now, the British government has been hammering the message that the squirrel situation is under control. But ever since over 70 grey squirrels were killed in a bloody attack on a Northumberland drey in February, people have started questioning the true nature of the conflict.

Last week, the UK Minister for Complete Nuts, Jack Straw, admitted that there is a "high level of slaughter" among squirrels of different ethnic backgrounds. However, he rejected claims that the situation has descended into total squirrel war.

"We are talking serious sectarian squirrel violence, certainly," he told the BBC, "But I firmly believe the situation will be brought under control when we have a National Nutty Government representing all the different squirrel factions."

But not everyone is convinced. "The Red Squirrel is currently facing extinction as a result of the Greys' pre-emptive strike policy," claimed a spokes-rodent for the War is Nuts Coalition, which is calling for a total withdrawal of all Grey Squirrel troops.

Better Red than Dead
Tensions between the two species have long been festering in the quiet woodlands of the United Kingdom. The Red Squirrel (sciurus cool brittanicus) originally migrated to the UK during the last Ice Age: (i.e., before the strict rodent immigration policies introduced by Margaret Thatcher in the early 1980s.) In many respects, it is an embodiment of what Donald Rumsfeld would describe as 'Old Europe': timid, peaceful, rarely seen and never heard, with a tendency to mind its own business and to stubbornly refuse to interfere in other creatures' conflicts.

Occasionally, this behaviour has earned the Red Squirrel international criticism (such as, when it failed to take any action to prevent a suspected field-vole massacre right on its doorstep). But the bushy-tailed tree-dweller is generally respected as a force for peace and stability in the countryside.

The Grey Squirrel (sciurus yanqi doodle-dus), on the other hand, is originally from the United States, and unlike its British cousin tends to adopt a shoot first, ask questions later attitude. Bolder by far than their European counterparts, Grey Squirrels are often known to ransack garbage in people's back yards. Occasionally, they will organise sorties into urban areas in search of loot and plunder. (Once, a renegade unit of under the command of Kernel Kurtz succeeded in commandeering a British army tank, and even tried to invade London. But that, my droogs, is another story...)

"We came, we saw, we conkered"
The Grey Squirrel originally invaded the UK in the late 19th century. As was widely expected, the military operation was swiftly and successful, with the Red Squirrel Guard capitulating in less than a month. However, few predicted that this would be the start of a 100-year occupation, characterised by violent sectarian clashes and regular terrorist treetop attacks. (And those few were in any case widely regarded as "communists", "anarchists", "terrorist sympathisers", or - worse still - "liberal intellectuals", and were consequently rounded up and shipped off to a secret extra-territorial prison somewhere in the Caribbean.)

Officially, the reason for the invasion was "national security". The Red Squirrels were at the time rumoured to be developing their own nutty technology for peaceful purposes. However, the Greys always suspected that the facilities were actually a cover-up for a secret weapons programme which would enable the Reds to build their own Acorn Bomb... something which went against every proviso of the Nutty Proliferation Treaty (which explicitly stated that only the Grey Squirrels and their Allies were allowed to have and use Nutty Weapons).

Naturally, the fact that Britain also possessed the third largest reserves of oak in the world had nothing to do it whatsoever. And if the Interim Coalition Rulers awarded all the forest management and re-plantation contracts to Grey Squirrel companies, well, that was just a coincidence.

Meanwhile, because of mounting security problems, the presence of Grey Squirrel forces in the country have been steadily increasing until they are now past the 2.5 million mark. The Red Squirrel population, on the other hand, has dwindled to less than 160,000, causing scientists to fear that the original nutty inhabitant of the British isles may be extinct in 20 years' time.

Now Have Your Say:
Which squirrel should stay?
And which, on the other hand, should just go away?
(Answers on a postcard, etc, etc...)

Above picture: www.greysquirrel.net

Don't mention ze Winter Olympics

2006-04-10T02:44:00.000+02:00

Oh, and I almost forgot... actually, I did forget... to announce the results of Saved From The Skip's last ultra-scientific poll, which revealed that a clear majority of Skip readers would prefer to cull German Olympic Gold Medallists than cute and cuddly badgers (curiously enough, by almost exactly the same margin that would have preferred Gary Glitter to Emperor Ming as leader of the Lib Dems. Interesing, n'est-ce pas?)

Complete breakdown of results:

Question: Who should they really be culling instead of badgers?
Celebrity Big Brother participants: 9% (200,000 votes)
Rugby players: 0% (0 votes)
Surviving Beatles members: 0% (0 votes)
Boy bands: 22% (500,000 votes)
Film critics: 0% (0 votes)
Bible bashers 13% (300,000 votes)
German Olympic Gold Medallists 57% (1,300,000 votes)

How to tell if your President is completely nuts

2006-04-10T00:51:00.000+02:00

British foreign minister Jack Straw (left) has described the idea that the President of the United States may be planning a nuclear strike on Iran as "completely nuts".

Well, Jack Straw is 100 per cent correct.

The idea IS completely nuts.

But then, so is the President of the United States. So go figure...

Anyhow, in case you had any doubts about the nuttiness of your own President, here are a few tell-tale signs to look out for (compiled from the best-selling authoritative reference book, Nut Screws Washers And Bolts: How To Tell If The Leader Of Your Country Is A Couple Of Screws Short Of A Porno, by Professor Loupe E. De Loupe - order your own copy NOW!)

1) NUCLEAR NUTS. If your President decides that the best way to prevent another country from using nuclear weapons is to use his own nuclear weapons first, then the chances are he is completely nuts.

2) DEMOCRATIC NUTS. If your President claims that he wants to "democratise the Middle East", but then cuts off all diplomatic ties with a Middle Eastern nation the moment it freely and democratically elects a government he doesn't like, then he's probably completely nuts.

3) CHEMICAL NUTS. If your President tries to justify the invasion of a country on the grounds that its leader had used banned chemical weapons, and it later transpires that his own forces also used banned chemical weapons in the invasion of that country, he just might be completely nuts.

4) CRONYISM NUTS. If your President tries to appoint his own former attorney to the Supreme Court, and then claims he can't understand why everyone's making such a fuss about it, then there's a remote possibility that he might be completely nuts.

and finally,

5) PLAIN OLD "NUTS" NUTS. If your President admits during a televised interview that he talks to a life-size portrait of his mother every day, when his mother is alive, well and perfectly contactable by telephone, then you can rest assured that the President in question is completely nuts.

For further enquiries, try here.
This blogspot was brought to you by our sponsors, Shitty Lagers Incorporated (TM)

A special thank you

2006-03-30T14:54:00.000+02:00

Today I was interviewed by Jomec TV about my experience in Wales thus far.

In the course of the interview, I thanked numerous people and institutions for their help and encouragement, including:
The Little Sisters of The Mentally Infirm - Malta, who released me from captivity specifically for the occasion;
The Malta Independent, which did much the same thing;
the Bouncers at Loyds Number One Bar, who have always been so sympathetic and understanding of my plight;
the British Council, which successfully conned the British taxpayer into footing the bill for the entire escapade;
and, of course, Dolly the Sheep, with whom I shared so many special and unforgettable moments out in the frozen Welsh wasteland.

It dawned on me later, however, that I forgot to thank the one person who has been a constant source of inspiration and spiritual solace to me in my self-imposed exile. I refer to His Smoothness, The Rev. James (pictured above)

Honestly, my experience in Cardiff would not have been the same without the Reverend's persistent company and sound advice.

The omission is much regretted.

Adams and Dion in shock seal-clubbing photos

2006-03-29T16:36:00.000+02:00

Exklusive! Saved From The Skip has come into possession of shocking new photographic evidence of the full extent of the Canadian seal massacre.

As these photos plainly show, Canadian celebrities Bryan Adams and Celine Dion regularly indulge in what is fast becoming Canada's national pastime: i.e., clubbing cute, innocent little baby seals to death, skinning them, making necklaces out of their teeth and eye-balls, and then eating their livers in a gruesome Satanic ritual.

As a result of these and other grim revelations, Saved From The Skip is proud to announce that it, too, will be jumping on the cute'n'fluffy bandwagon alongside artists and oddballs like Morrissey, Bridgitte Bardot, Sir Paul McFartney and Sir Philip Wiggenraad (of Fisticuffs fame).

We therefore urge all Skip clients to call for an immediate ban on all Canadian exports (especially Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, who should have been banned years ago anyway), and to have Canada included in the Axis of Evil, on pain of United Nations sanctions, Amen.

How you, too, can help save a baby seal:

> Boycott Canadian products (All three of them)

> Stop singing the theme tune to Titanic in the shower

> Stop singing Bryan Adams' The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You. (Note: if you find this too much of a sacrifice, consider changing the lyrics to: The Only Thing That Looks Good On Bryan Adams is a High Voltage Cable Attached With Crocodile Clips to His (censored)

> If you pass by a club and hear them playing Summer of 69, kindly follow Morrissey's advice and "Hang the Deejay."

> And finally, Pamela Anderson has now joined the campaign to stop seal hunting. As part of her crusade, all proceeds from illegal sales of her home-made porn video will be donated to the Save The Seal campaign. So what are you waiting for? Order your copy now!

Blair admits resignation mistake

2006-03-27T21:23:00.000+02:00

In a frank (and quite frankly unexpected) admission yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair described his 2004 public decision to resign before the next election as a "mistake".

"Yes, of course it's a mistake for me to resign before the end of my third time," he told an ABC radio interviewer during his 'Blair Down Under' tour of Oz.

"In reality, I should have resigned ages ago... like, when it became obvious that we never had a reason to invade Iraq in the first place."

Mr Blair was in Australia to promote his latest album, I Did It George's Way, recorded with his old band, Tony and the Tough-Going New Tories. He was accompanied by his wife and backing vocalist, Cherie (above right), who delighted Oz audiences with renditions of such timeless Aussie classics as The Wild Colonial Prime Minister, (Iraq's) Our Territory, and, of course, Waltzing Moqtadr.

Viva Malta!

2006-03-21T16:29:00.000+01:00

Just out of curiosity: what positions do Joe Tanti and Colin Fitz play?

Censorship? Google? Never!

2006-03-16T13:18:00.000+01:00

A month after the launch of Google.cn, Saved From The Skip took a crash course in basic Mandarin in order to do some research into Google's Chinese search engine.
Here are the results of a few quick searches, compared to the equivalent searches on Google.co.uk:

Search phrase: “Falun Gong”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 2,180,000
Hits: (google.cn): 78,800

Search phrase: “Tibet”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 16,700,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 3,160,000

Search phrase: “Prince Charles”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 22,500,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 65,000

Search phrase: “Prince Charles thinks Hu Jintao is an appalling old waxwork”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 5
Hits: (google.cn) : 5

Search phrase: “Tiananmen Square”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 1,870,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 48,800

Search phrase (exact): “Tiananmen Square massacre”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 296,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 323

Search phrase (exact): “Free Tibet Campaign”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 67,600
Hits: (google.cn): 20

Conclusion: as the results of this ultra-scientific experiment clearly show, Google has NOT censored the content of its Chinese website in any way. (And if you dare to think otherwise, you will instantly disappear without a trace along with all your family, and all evidence of your miserable existence will immediately be erased from the World Wide Web.)

Thank you for your kind attention.

"Isaac, come back to South Park" - Jesus

2006-03-15T12:30:00.000+01:00

Jesus Christ has exhorted blues singer Isaac Hayes, former voice of South Park's Chef character, to return to the show after quitting for his own personal, religious and hypocritical reasons.

After nine years of gleeful participation in South Park's repeated satirical onslaughts on other people's religions, Hayes seems to have suddenly developed a marked religious sensitivity of his own... by a huge coincidence, the moment the cartoon poked fun at the Church of Scientology, of which he just happens to be a member.

"C'mon, Isaac, don't be such a wuss", said the Only Son Of God during one of his talk show's many commercial breaks. "What happened all of a sudden? Where was this newfound religious sensitivity of yours when I was forced to perform Crack wrestling with Satan? Or when Cartman sang: 'Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can't help but think that he looks kinda' hot'? I mean, Jeeze, Isaac... where'd your sense of humour go?"

Meanwhile, Saved From The Skip sadly announces that in the light of Hayes' hypocrisy, it will be rioting in various localities, and joining the world wide boycott of all products associated with South Park's Chef character... starting with his Chocolate Salty Balls.

So there, too!

BOYCOTT MY CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS!

Skip Skoop: Unborn child given ASBO

2006-03-14T15:02:00.000+01:00

A six-month-old foetus has been given an Anti-Social Behaviour Order for kicking its mother inside the womb, The Skip has learnt.

It seems that the victim of the crime, a 28-year-old mother of two, received a direct and premeditated kick to her uterus lining, precipitating a bout of morning sickness and causing untold psychological damage.

The ASBO was given by the Magistrates Court, after rejecting the prosecution's bid for a charge of assault and battery.

The order prevents the foetus - who cannot be named because it hasn't been named - from any further violent behaviour for the remainder of its gestation period. After birth, the child will be kept under observation, and will be deemed in violation of its order for any of the following offences:

> Pressing too hard with its gums during breast-feeding
> Pulling hair
> Deliberately regurgitating solid food
> Indiscriminately throwing toys out of its play-pen.

"Catch 'em young, that's what I always say," said a spokesman for Scotland Yard when contacted for comment by The Skip.

In fact, the unborn offender is to date the youngest to have received an ASBO, followed by a seven-month-old baby girl who was reprimanded for causing wilful and wanton damage to her diapers, and a 13-month old toddler whose first audible words were "F*** off and die."

And now, the weather...

Glitter wins Skip Lib Dem poll

2006-03-07T10:36:00.000+01:00

With 55% of the overall vote, disgraced glam rock icon Gary Glitter has emerged as overall winner in Saved from The Skip's exclusive "Who Should REALLY have replaced Charles Kennedy as Lib Dem leader?" scientific poll.

He was followed by Rolling Stone stoner Keith Richards, who garnered 27% of the vote, and fashion celebrity pornalike Paris Hilton (yummy yummy, tasty burger) with 18%.

"You can tell from these results that today's liberals want their leaders to represent a wider range of cultural vices," said Dame Ava Fag, Saved From the Skip's resident political analyst. "After all, Charles Kennedy had to resign after admitting to having an alcohol problem - which is traditionally a Tory-associated vice anyway. Liberals today clearly find it easier to identify with convicted paedophiles, skeletal drug fiends and celebrity sluts, rather than with boring old boozers."

The Skip meanwhile tried to contact the real Lib Dem leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, for his reactions. Sadly, however, Ming was too busy trying to conquer the Universe to reply...

Fool's Gold

2006-03-05T19:10:00.000+01:00

The other day I was walking in the direction of Cardiff Central Station, when, lo and behold! A man (from Nigeria, I later found out) stepped out of nowhere, armed with a megaphone in one hand and a Bible in the other.

Before I knew what was happening, he was right in my face, roaring at me through his megaphone like an Alcoholic Prophet of Doom.

"I AM THE RESURRECTION!", he roared.

"...AND I AM THE LIGHT!", he roared again.

Naturally, I was profoundly shocked that someone could so brazenly insult my religion in this way. So I spoke unto him thus:

"Fie, for shame! How dare you quote The Stone Roses so freely? Have ye no respect (not even just a little bit)? And besides: know ye not the Ten Commandments? As in, 'I Am John Squire Thy Guitarist, Thou Shalt Have No False Guitarists Before Me'? Or, 'Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of Ian Brown In Vain'? Now apologise instantly for this offence, or, like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, I shall wreak my vengeance upon thee!"

But the man did nothing of the kind. Instead, he simply roared again:

"REPENT" (he roared again) "FOR THE END IS NIGH!"

Now, this was way, way too much. I mean, quoting The Stone Roses out of context is one thing. But Jim Morisson? At a train station? And out of tune, too?

And so, touched by Divine Fury, and salivating righteous saliva, I immediately proceeded to the nearest flag shop (for fairly obvious reasons, there is one right outside the Millennium Stadium) and purchased a highly flammable Nigerian flag for the sum of £7.50, including VAT.

I then set up camp outside the Nigerian embassy, and after duly setting the flag alight, I demanded that the government of Nigeria apologise without delay for this intolerable offence to my musical sensitivity.

And until such apology is forthcoming, I shall be boycotting Nigerian goods, and rioting in various parts of the city (starting with a pub early next Friday evening: most likely The Pen and Wig, as beer there is cheap, and rioters generally welcome.)

Meanwhile, all similarly offended music lovers are invited to join my crusade by staging simultaneous protests and riots in their own countries. Will keep you all posted...

"Singhing" for your supper

2006-03-02T17:02:00.000+01:00

"Oh, Mr Bush! I am being so much in favour of your war in Iraq!

Now can I be having a nuclear programme, please...?"

Attention, class. Now for a spot Skip geo-political test!

1) What do Iran, Israel and India have in common?

a) They all begin with the letter "I"

b) They have all been subjected to international weapons inspections on account of their nuclear programmes

c) They are all treated exactly the same way by the international community

2) Which is the only one of those three countries to have ratified the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?

a) Iran

b) Israel

c) India

3) Which of the same three countries has publicly denounced the United States' war on terror, among countless other things?

a) Iran

b) Israel

c) India

4) Which of those same countries does NOT have US support for its nuclear programme?

a) Iran

b) Israel

c) India

5) Which of those countries is currently under intense international pressure, spearheaded mainly by the USA, to renounce its plans to embark on a nuclear programme?

a) Iran

b) Israel

c) India

6) Which of those countries was accused of having a secret (and to date uninspected) nuclear programme in 1986?

a) Israel

b) Iran

c) India

7) And which of those countries has just concluded a deal with the United States for help with its own nuclear programme?

a) India

b) Israel

c) Iran

Answers:

All "c": Congratulations! You know absolutely nothing whatsoever about geo-politics, and therefore may be permitted to exist in safety (so long as you don't go asking any questions.)

All "b": Not bad. You still think you might know a thing or two, but nothing a good old-fashioned memory erasing session won't sort out.

All "a": Well, you obviously know far too much about geo-politics for your own good, and will therefore be eliminated without delay. (You are the weakest link, goodbye...)

It's snowing!

2006-03-01T22:58:00.000+01:00

Anyone for skiing on Snowdon...?

Question: when is a civil war not a civil war?

2006-02-25T20:59:00.000+01:00

Answer: A civil war is only a civil war if it takes place in countries like Somalia, Algeria or Lebanon.
If, on the other hand, it takes place in Iraq, then it is not a civil war, but simply "sectarian violence".

The secret diary of Prince Charles, aged 58 and one quarter

2006-02-23T12:29:00.000+01:00

Hello.
My name is Charles.
Prince Charles.
And I’m a dissident.

Actually, I’m not all sure what that word means, but it sounds so terribly exciting that I thought I’d include it in my top secret diary… you know, the one I circulated to all my friends on condition they wouldn’t publish any of it.

But back to dissidents. You read about them all the time in the newspapers (those horrid things). They’re the ones who go around protesting about issues: burning McDonalds restaurants in Paris, throwing eggs at the Prime Minister, climbing Mount Everest dressed as Batman, getting shot against a wall in China (that horrid place), etc., etc.

Of course, the trouble with being a dissident is that every now and again you have to actually dissent. (I’ve just looked that word up in my pocket dictionary. It means “disagree”.)

On paper, that’s perfectly OK. There are loads of things with which I disagree. Global warming, the Chinese invasion of Tibet, the existence of the free and independent media in Britain... and that annoying little grammatical rule about never ending sentences with prepositions. (That is something with which I especially disagree.)

But the thing is, if I had to actually speak out on any of the issues with which I disagree, then the Government could quite easily decide that the Monarchy is something with which it disgrees…And that’s it. I’d be out of a job. Now what kind of dissident would I be if were just an ordinary, boring old fart like everybody else?

So that’s why I keep a secret diary... so I can secretly dissent about the things with which I disagree. (Terribly clever of me, I know.)

Sometimes, however, I disagree with things so much that I accidentally let slip that I’m a dissident, on occasions when I’m supposed to be an assident. (That word, by the way, means “someone who assents”. It isn’t my pocket dictionary, though… must remember to have the editor shot against a wall at the earliest opportunity.)

One occasion when I publicly disagreed (and said so, too) was during the Hong Kong handover in 1997. It was terribly naughty of me, especially when I didn’t show up to a banquet organised by the Chinese (those appalling old waxworks).

You should have seen their faces. God, how I laughed! But mummy was terribly cross: in fact, she even threatened to cut off my pocket money.

So as you can see, dissenting can be quite dangerous.

One other domestic issue with which I publicly disagreed was the fox hunting ban. This was something about which I felt terribly strongly. (I mean, what are the poor foxes going to do on the weekend, if they can no longer be torn to pieces by a pack of dogs?)

But in the end, I didn’t even have to dissent too much. After all, the law only banned hunting with dogs. It didn’t say anything about hunting with tigers… (which is more fun anyway, because if you don’t catch any foxes, you can always feed them a few peasants...)

Right, that’s it from me for now. Tally ho!

Skip on Toast: the official launch

2006-02-22T20:25:00.000+01:00

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a drunk Maltese git in a pub!

Well, this is an announcement for all you other Maltese gits out there in the blogosphere.

New blog on offer over here. And don't say I didn't warn you...

Exclusive: The Bat-Interview!

2006-02-18T14:10:00.000+01:00

You know something's wrong with your war on terror when you have to ask a fictitious superhero in a bat-winged leotard for help.
Saved From The Skip catches up with DC Comics' Batman - who will be "kicking Al Qaeda's ass" in the next Frank Miller comic book Holy Terror, Batman! - to ask him a couple of questions. (Like: what took you so long?)

Batman: why did you wait four whole years after September 11 to get involved in the war on terror?
Well, I thought I'd leave my sidekick, George the Boy Wonder, in charge of things while I hung upside-down in my batcave and got a little hard-earned rest. (I've being doing this kind of thing since 1939, you know) But when I saw how badly George screwed things up with Osama, I just had to get the old costume out and give it a good dusting...

It has been remarked that you and George "Wonder" Bush are quite similar in character. Do you agree?
George and I have much the same philosophy when it comes to dealing with baddies. There's no beating about the bush (if you'll excuse the pun). Things are either black or white. Good or evil. Us or them. And if you're not with us, then it's Biff! Sock! Bam! Kapow! You can work the rest out for yourself.
Besides: read my old comic books. Did I ever turn to the UN for a second resolution before swinging in and taking a little unilateral action? Heck, no. I always went straight for the pre-emptive strike, and I don't remember anyone ever complaining too much.

Yes, but how can you tell the good guys from the bad guys?
Easy. It's all in the way they're drawn. The good guys are always clean-cut, innocent by-standers, single mothers with pushchairs, etc. The bad guys are unshaven, wear berets and eye-masks, and carry bags with the word "SWAG" written in big letters. You really can't go wrong. But nowadays, you get these liberal anarchist pansy philosophers like Noam Chomsky, trying to confuse people into thinking that good might be bad, and bad might be good, and all that crap. Honestly, if I lay my hands on him there'll a few Biffs on this page...

Tell us about your alter-ego, Bruce Wayne.
Bruce is one of the reasons George and I always got on so well (apart from the fact that we're both comical characters, of course.) For while Clark Kent was a struggling journalist for the Daily Planet, and Peter Parker was (no offence or anything) a total nerd, Bruce was a reclusive millionaire whose family had made its fortune by speculating in Gotham real estate. I guess that makes me part of The Elite, what George would call his "home base"...

What do you think of modern day cartoons? Why has no one else in Toonland gone after Osama?
If you ask me, they've all gone soft. Go back 60 years or so, and it was a different ball game. It wasn't just me, Superman and Captain America who were whacking Adolf Hitler and the Japs. Oh, no. Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, heck, even The Three Little Pigs had a go. Today? You've got Homer Simpson slouching on a sofa guzzling beer all day long, and Carter going around swearing his head off. And don't even get me started on the Power Puff Girls....

How do you rate Osama Bin Laden as a batvillain?
Personally, I think he's a little unrealistically drawn. Think about it: all the classic supervillains had their immediately recognisable visual traits. The Joker had his green hair and his mad grin; The Penguin, his top hat and monocle; Catwoman, a tight-fitting leather outfit and those... well, never mind. Osama? He's got a four-foot beard, a turban, a military jacket and a Kalashnikov permanently slung over his shoulder. Way, way too much... just goes to show how modern cartoonists don't know when enough is enough.
Having said that, his background story fits the usual formula to a T. Most of the classic superhero nemeses were actually by-products of failed top-secret military or scientific experiments. Osama is no exception. It is widely known that he was created as part of a top secret CIA operation to fight the Russians in Afghanistan. And then, after the war was over, they simply forgot about him and let him plot his revenge from the Tora Bora caves with the rest of the muhajeddin. Classic Marvel Comics stuff. And in true supervillain fashion, his whereabouts remain a mystery to this day. Some say he's hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. Some say he's in Pakistan, Morocco, Kenya, the USA... some even think he's dead.

Thanks, Batman. One last question: now that gay partnerships have become legal in the UK, when will you and Robin be tying the...

A day in the life of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

2006-02-18T10:26:00.000+01:00

Sunlight streamed in through Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's window, and the Iranian president awoke to realise that he'd forgotten to set the alarm clock.

"Death to Israel! Death to America!" he murmured, half asleep. Then he hauled himself out of bed and stumbled into the shower.

There was no hot water.

"Death to America! Death to Israel!" he roared to himself under a jet of ice cold water. Somehow, the words seemed to make the discomfort easier to bear.

Upon arrival at the Presidential Palace, Mahmoud was greeted by a throng of security officials.

"Greetings, your presidency. There are a few thousands university students in the courtyard. They've been camping there all night. They are expecting you to say a few words..."

"Students? Words?" Mahmoud replied. "Sure. Hand me that microphone, will you?"

"DEATH TO ISRAEL! DEATH TO AMERICA!" he bellowed over the Presidential sound system.

The students cheered wildly, and immediately took to the streets of Tehran, praising the greatness of God and burning Israeli and American flags at every street corner.

Satisfied, President Mahmoud popped into the Iranian presidential canteen for a late breakfast.

"I am sorry, your presidency," said a concerned looking head waiter, "but we are all out of Waldorfs."

"WHAT?" thundered Mahmoud, banging his fist on the table. "No Waldorfs? Death to Israel! Death to America!" And with that he stormed out of the canteen.

Outside in the road, still grumbling to himself, Mahmoud stopped at a newsagent and bought a copy of the afternoon Iranian Post. Turning to the obituaries section, he found himself reading the following notices:

"ISRAEL - Proud nation and homeland of the Chosen Race, passed away suddenly at the age of 58. Leaves to mourn her loss a few million Israeli citizens, and countless other Jews worldwide. RIP."

followed by;

"THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Land of the free, home of the brave, passed suddenly and inexplicably away at the age of 220. May the Lord grant her eternal rest. RIP."

Mahmoud gazed at those announcements for what felt like an age, and felt a vast emptiness growing inside him as the implications slowly sunk in.

Suddenly, a car drove through a nearby puddle and splattered the Iranian president with mud.

Mahmoud turned around, shook his fist at the vehicle as it sped away, and opened his mouth to shout:

"Death to... to... Death..."

The car had already disappeared when he finished his sentence

"Death to... DENMARK! Death to... ITALY!"

And with that, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad nodded once or twice in self-reassurance, tucked his newspaper under his arm, and strode back to the Presidential Palace to get some work done.

Nice going, Dick

2006-02-17T01:38:00.000+01:00

In his first public comment about the Vice President's hunting accident last Saturday, President Bush has praised Dick Cheney for his handling of the mishap.

"I'm satisfied with the way Dick handled that tricky situation," said Mr Bush at a White House press briefing this evening.

"He was only applying the usual US policy of pre-emptive strike in the face of possible threat. After all, there was always the danger that Mr Whittington might have accidentally shot Dick before Dick accidentally shot Mr Whittington. In these circumstances the important thing is to accidentally shoot first, and to ask questions later."

Bush also had words of praise for Dick Cheney's skills with a rifle.

"Let's face it: if you're going to shoot your friend by mistake, you may as well do it properly. A lesser marksman would have accidentally shot him in the leg, or the arm. Not our Dick. Goes straight for the face, neck and chest, like they teach you in the Armed Forces. That's my Vice President..."

As it is, Mr Bush's only complaint was that the general public was informed about the accident "too quickly."

"In fact, I don't understand why we bothered informing the nation at all. We could have just sent in a couple of CIA spooks, eliminated any witnesses, erased the ranch owner's memory and wipe out all records of the incident, just like the good old days. But oh, well, it's too late now..."

SuperBush saves the day!

2006-02-09T23:59:00.000+01:00

Skip Skoop! Speaking at the White House yesterday, President George W. Bush (left) revealed how his tireless commitment to the war on terror has once again saved the human race from certain extinction... this time by foiling a plot to strike terror into the heart of the American West Coast. But then, why would you care what we have to say about it? Hear it straight from the Dubya's mouth through our unique, exclusive "you heard it here first" direct dial-up audio White House link (TM)!

"My fellow Americans, our friends in Yurp (and you, too, God): listen up, cos I got something real important to say t'y'all.

"Once again, our efforts against innernational terr'rism have saved America from another attack by evil terr'rists... that's right, the same terr'rists we said we'd smoke out from their caves in Afghanistan over four years ago... and, well, this is how we did it.

"Our boys in the CIA got wind that these evil men wanted to hijack a UN plane, and fly it over our air space at low altitude so that we would be lured into shooting it down (like we always do when we don't know exactly what something is). This would have been be considered an act of aggression on our part against the world, allowing the terr'rists to legitimately retaliate by...

"Not now, Condi, can't you see I'm giving a speech? What? That's what we were planning to do to Iraq instead of getting a second UN resolution?

"Oh. Shit. Sorry, folks, guess I picked up the wrong notes.

"Anyhow, as I was saying: these terr'rists, these bad guys who go 'round killing innocent folk, what they really wanted to do was bomb a major innernational television network, killing all the innocent journalists inside, and do you know why? Just because they didn't like the way.... they... were... reporting... the...

"HEY! Who slipped the secret Al Jazeera memo into my brief case? Was it you Tony? Look, I know you British invented this thing called 'yumour', but now really isn't the time, you got that?

"Right, where was I? Oh, yes, the bad guys. Hang on a sec, let me find the right documents. Here we are! Earlier last year, American intelligence foiled a plot by evil terr'rists to use a banned chemical agent known as White Phosphorous to... no, no, that's not it... Let's try this one: they were going to abduct various people from different countries, arrest them without charge, and then transport them by means of secret flights to undisclosed destinations, where they could be tortured without all the hassle of... no, wrong again....

"Oh, fuck it. Look: last year, we foiled a terr'rist attempt. And like I said in the case of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, the Iraq-Al Qaeda link, and that whole spiel about uranium in Niger: Trust me. I must be right, 'cos God told me so.

"Yeeha! Hallelujah! And God bless America..."

(end of link)

Mr Bush: why have you spent millions of dollars to build new prisons in Iraq?

2006-02-09T00:21:00.000+01:00

"Simple. So that the Iraqi people can have the privilege of being tortured, humiliated and abused in the comfort of a brand new building."

No comment

2006-02-06T02:19:00.000+01:00

By Philip Wiggenraad

Too sexy for my cabinet

2006-02-03T19:19:00.000+01:00

It's official. David Cameron (pictured above during a photoshoot for Sexy MPs: The Lady's Magazine) will be withdrawing his Conservative Party from the EPP-ED because it's "just not sexy enough" for his image.

Cameron, who was voted 92 in a poll of the 100 sexiest men on the planet, believes that his association with the straight-laced, grey-suited and somewhat po-faced Christian Democrats in the European Parliament may have cost him several precious sex-appeal points in the contest, resulting in such comparative wusses as Leonardo Di Caprio and Brad Pitt beating him in the sexy stakes.

"I've been trying to impress upon my European partners the need to move away from their traditional Argyll socks, paisley ties and silver monocles", he said in an exclusive interview with Saved From The Skip. "But there's no point, they clearly lack the vision to truly appreciate the value of style in today's politics."

The British Conservatives are expected to pull out of the EPP-ED later this month, and take up their natural seats on the sexy side of the house, alongside Illona Staller (aka Cicciolina), Baby Pozzi, Dolly Buster (below), and, naturally, Alessandra Mussolini.

Cavaliere, is it true you're going to give up sex until after the elections?

2006-01-30T17:57:00.000+01:00

"Yes! I will only continue fucking Italy up if I am re-elected!"

(Apologies for the duration of that intermission. There was a long queue at the pop-corn stand. In any case, Saved From The Skip is now back. Tell your family, friends, colleagues and enemies. Gesundheit.)

2005-12-19T14:52:00.000+01:00

Attention, please. Saved From The Skip will be taking a short break for reasons of stock-taking and brief incarceration. Will be back asap...

Iraqi elections marred by toilet paper shortage

2005-12-14T01:37:00.000+01:00

Voters in Iraq today complained that the nation is facing its worst toilet paper crisis since the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003.

As these disturbing images show, thousands emerged today to vote in the current elections, but also to protest against this sordid state of affairs by holding up graphic evidence of the incovenience this shortage has caused.

"Don't get me wrong, I know that things were bad under Saddam", one voter complained, "It's true that we couldn't vote, but at least we could wipe..."

Once a barbarian, always a barbarian...

2005-12-12T23:45:00.000+01:00

White House "gone to the dogs"

2005-12-09T20:30:00.000+01:00

Exclusive! Saved From The Skip has acquired unique video evidence depicting the decidedly doggy state in which the White House currently finds itself. (Click picture or here to watch video)

Cunningly disguised as a short charity Christmas film entitled A Very Beazley Christmas, the candid shots of daily life among the Bushes offer numerous insights into the US government's general lack of direction, providing a global explanation for much that is wrong with the state of the world right now.

In the video, numerous top ranking Bush administration officials are witnessed in highly compromising positions, and making staggering admissions of the administration's cluelessness. For instance: Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez is clearly overheard discussing US economic policy with, of all things, a nine-month-old puppy: a fact which makes perfect sense, but only when you consider that his alternative was to discuss it with George W. Bush.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Katryna refugees now have the answer to their questions about delays in restoring normality to their stricken city. It seems that US Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Alphonso Jackson, is too busy advising Barney on his popularity ratings to bother with the redevelopment of New Orleans.

And in case you were wondering why economic recovery has been slower than usual this year, well, check out the speed at which Treasury Secretary John Snow talks. You can almost hear those rusty cog-wheels as they gradually grind to a total halt...

But the footage also speaks volumes about the state of the American media, which continues to pander to a national taste for frivolity while allowing the US government to get away with stoogery.

Nancy O'Dell leads the pack with a typically fluffy feature about All The President's Scottish Terriers: riveting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree, compared to those all boring stories about White House scandals, more White House scandals, still more White House scandals... not to mention repetitive scenes of death, disaster and devastation in war-torn Iraq.

Predictably, she is joined by media heavyweights such as Steve Scully and George Stephanopoulis, who, like faithful media poodles, dutifully do their bit in the ongoing charade. (After all, the job of a journalist is to sniff out real stories, which can be difficult and dangerous. Sniffing presidential butt around the White House, on the other hand, is "easy as ABC"...)

However, doubts have since been raised about the video's authenticity.
"We're not at all convinced," explains the Skip's resident expert in doggy videos. "For one thing, Bush is captured on film speaking for almost a full minute, without stuttering, pausing, getting his lines wrong or making even a single grammatical error. Besides: at one point he sends the two dogs out of his office because 'he has a lot of work to do'. George Bush? Work? Come on... This is plainly ridiculous, as can be verified by a simple glance at the state of the world today."

But others are just as convinced that the video is the real McCoy: "Think about it", says one observer. "the credits at the end of the film are presented 'in alphabetical order'. And yet, 'President Bush' comes before 'Mrs Bush'. Who, but an utterly idiotic and illiterate administration, could possibly claim that 'P' comes before 'M' in an alphabetical list...?"

Meanwhile, the CIA is investigating the video to ascertain whether Willie, the black cat seen fleetingly towards the end, is in fact none other than the dreaded Al Qatusa terrorist, Wi'il Al-Qoyoti: suspected of repeatly trying to assassinate Road Runner using Acme terrorist bombs...

2005-12-08T00:56:00.000+01:00

John Lennon 1940 - 1980

Today marks the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death, which Saved From The Skip shall observe with 24 hours of blog silence in honour of one of the greatest songwriters the world has ever seen (and also because I seriously need to get some work done.)

But before shutting down, here are one or two (admittedly unSkiplike) thoughts on the first quarter-century since the passing of John.

One: it is a little dispiriting to see how many people out there just don't get it. Here we are, 25 years later, and the Lennon debate is still raging in the media. Look at them all, the critics and the columnists: was he really the genius he's cranked up to be, asks Mr Music Critic who's never written a melody in his life... or was he just an overrated Liverpudlian who happened to be in the right place at the right time?

And yet, the answer is not that difficult. Clearly, genius itself has a quality that makes certain people misunderstand it completely. Especially if they fall somewhat short of genius themselves. After all, 500 years have elapsed since the death of Shakespeare, and there are still people who claim that he was either overrated, or "too good" to have even existed. By the same token, I imagine that in 500 years's time, people will watch The Simpsons and argue that Matt Groening couldn't possibly have created it all by himself. It's just too damn clever to be the work of only one man. Or is it? Because surely, surely, there'll also be some critic somewhere who'll claim that it wasn't really that clever at all... just an overrated cartoon by someone who happened to be in the right place, at the right time...

My second, more personal comment is that it has just dawned on me that John Lennon was 40 years old when he was shot. In other words, he was only six years older than me. Now, I'm not at all sure how many of you will be with me on this one, but the implications of that statement are just too overwhelmingly huge for me to properly describe in ordinary sentences. You know: that sudden shift in perspective, so very much like panic, and yet somehow not the same thing at all... Oh, never mind. Suffice it to say that the bristles of my beard are still standing on end at the thought...

Right: enough about belated intimations of mortality. I wanted to sign off on a cheerful note, with a Top 10 list of my own personal Lennon favourites. But try as I might, I just couldn't condense the list to even 20 songs, let alone 10, without omitting the unomittable.

So here they are, 25 John Lennon songs for the 25 years he's been gone, in order of purely personal preference (all open to debate, naturally):

1. A Day In The Life
2. Sexy Sadie
3. Revolution
4. Help
5. Tomorrow Never Knows
6. Mother
7. I Am The Walrus
8. Isolation
9. Dear Prudence
10. Imagine
11. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
12. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
13. Mother Nature's Son
14. Strawberry Fields Forever
15. Jealous Guy
16. God
17. Polythene Pam
18. Oh! Darling
19. Come Together
20. She Said
21. Cry Baby Cry
22. A Hard Day's Night
23. I'm Only Sleeping
24. Woman Is The Nigger Of The World.
25. (Just Like) Starting Over

And a few more for good measure:
(26) She Loves You
(27) Julia
(28) Day Tripper
(29) Whatever Gets You Thru The Night

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Condy speaking...

2005-12-07T18:36:00.000+01:00

Good morning, and welcome to Central Intelligence Airways: the only airline in the world to offer one-way trips to Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan, and now also various parts of Eastern Europe... absolutely free.

Here at CIA, we constantly strive to offer our clients a unique and unforgettable inboard flight experience. This is why we are particularly pissed off that news of our secret European flight service has been leaked to the international media... which will naturally be bombed in due course.

However, now that the cat is out of the bag, we may as well elaborate on the details of our once-in-a-lifetime experience.

CIA is pleased to be able to offer a new and free transportation service to clients whom we suspect to be terrorists, to support terrorism or to have links with terrorist organisations.

As part of our new and totally free Eastern European service, CIA airways will pick you up from wherever you are, at any time of day or night, without any prior notice or warning. You will then be whisked away in the comfort of a luxury, spook-chauffeured limousine, complete with tinted-glass windows, to a top secret military airport. From there, you will be flown to an unnamed destination for an all-inclusive sojourn at one of our airline's many secret holiday detention centres... all expenses paid. (Includes bed, breakfast and BSDM.)

To safeguard your personal privacy, no one, not even your family, will be informed of your abduction and present whereabouts.

Extra security features
All CIA aircraft are specially designed for extra security. Apart from ordinary seat belts, we also provide our customers with wrist and ankle manacles in order to minimise the effects of air turbulence, thereby enhancing comfort for all our air hostages.

And while other planes feature sick bags stowed under the seat in front, on CIA flights, the bags are placed directly over your heads to save you the hassle of bending over to pick them up for yourselves.

Oh, and there are no emergency exits on any part of the aircraft.

If you have any questions about any aspect of our service, please don't bother wasting your breath. We ask the questions, you provide the answers.

So relax, put your seats in an upright position, and thank you for flying Central Intelligence Airways: the world's flagitious airline...

Saddam complains about prison conditions

2005-12-07T13:47:00.000+01:00

It was another dramatic day in Baghdad’s Green Zone, as the former Iraqi dictator took the witness stand to complain about his incarceration.

According to the former dictator, the conditions at the secret jail where he is currently held are “appallingly good.”

“The standards of prisoner treatment in Iraq have improved alarmingly since the days of the Republican Guard,” Saddam complained. “You all heard the previous witnesses. Electric shocks. Pistol beatings. Torture and humiliation. Ah! Those were the days, when Sunnis were Sunnis, Shias were Shi’ite, and prisoners were the scum of the earth who could be terminated at will. Today? Criminals – yes, even brutal, homicidal dictators like myself - are free to read books, to walk around in their favourite Y-fronts, and even to do their own laundry. Pathetic, that’s what I call it…”

But the bulk of Saddam’s ire was reserved for the court proceedings themselves.

“In the good old days, I would have been simply executed without trial,” sighed Saddam. “None of this airy-fairy, ansy-pansy, equal-justice-for-all democratic bullshit. But now look at what’s happened. Instead of being unceremoniously shot against a wall, I am given every opportunity to speak in my own defence. I am even allowed to be represented by lawyers, and to disrupt proceedings by shouting out of turn, or telling the judge to go to Hell. I mean, where has all the discipline gone? What is this country coming to?”

Addressing the judge directly, Saddam claimed that he would boycott the trial unless he was meted harsher treatment with immediate effect.

“The Americans have made you soft,” he thundered. “You have no more cojones. I will not attend this trial until, at the very least, I am blindfolded 24 hours a day, suspended upside down and subjected to beatings, sleep deprivation and electric shock treatment. So there, too!”

The case continues…

Tough times ahead for Punch and Judy

2005-12-06T20:30:00.000+01:00

In his first public statement as newly elected Tory leader, David Cameron surprised many by distancing himself and his party from Britain's most famous show puppet duo.

"I'm fed up with the Punch and Judy politics of Westminster: the name calling, backbiting, point scoring, finger pointing," said Cameron in his victory speech today. "I want and I will lead a Conservative party that when the government does the right thing, we will work with them, and when they do the wrong thing we will call them to account and criticise them."

This unexpected dismissal signals a whole new direction for the Conservatives, but also an uncertain future for the baton-wielding veteran of the puppet stage.

"To be honest, it's been coming a long time," sighs Punch, who found time in his hectic wife-beating schedule for a quick drink with the Skip. "If you ask me, it's all this bloody political correctness. First they tell me it's no longer acceptable to hit my wife across the head with a large stick. Then I get done for stealing Joey the Clown's sausages. And now, I'm no longer an official sponsor of the Conservative Party! Next thing you know, some bloody animal rights group will be campaigning for the release of old Croc here..."

Meanwhile, Cameron's public outing of Punch and Judy also came as a shock to many in the audience.

"This does not bode well for the future of our party," muttered one senior MP. "You see, the thing is, if we're no longer going to call our political opponents names, or point fingers at them, or score points over them... then the only alternative left would be for us to become a serious and credible Opposition party. In other words, we'd have to actually do some work. I mean, he can't possibly be serious..."

This feeling seems to be widespread among older, more traditional Tories, many of whom are beginning to suspect that Mr Cameron might really have been on drugs after all.

However, the young new leader has found an unexpected ally in his predecessor and former Prime Minister, Baroness Margaret Thatcher, who came out strongly in Mr Cameron's favour.

(Click on the picture for the original audio of Baroness Thatcher's exclusive comment to the Skip).

Irish smoking ban boosts deodorant sales

2005-12-06T13:50:00.000+01:00

One unforeseen side-effect of the total smoking ban recently introduced in Ireland has been a sharp increase in sales of underarm deodorant, the Skip has learnt.

"Because the air in Irish pubs is so much cleaner these days, it is now possible to smell odours that until recently went undetected in the dense, smoky atmosphere," commented Ireland's leading olfactory expert, Dr Peter Heneghan (B.O.). "Besides, as a result of the new laws, people are now drinking less, and consequently tend to be sober enough to notice when others in the immediately vicinity stink to high heavens..."

Ireland is the only European country to have introduced a total smoking ban apart from Malta. It is not yet known whether Malta has experienced any similar side-effects. Our investigate top secret undercover Skip agent recently went there to find out, but promplty went missing in the island's heaving, throbbing bar culture. He was last seen lying unconscious under a car in a place called "Paceville."

Meanwhile, if you have any information of his present whereabouts, kindly keep it to yourself. We are a lot better off without him...

The Line, the Weed and the Wardrobe

2005-12-05T16:09:00.000+01:00

Christian allegory, or drug fuelled fantasy? Skip Cinema investigates Walt Disney's The Chronicles of Narkia, based on the novel by C(rack) S(mokin') Lewis

What is it with drugs and kids' films these days?
We'd only just seen that explicit "chasing the dragon" scene in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Free-Base.
And before that, there was Wallace and Vomit: Curse of the Bong-Bunny, with its unsubtle allusions to mind control, home-grown greenstuffs and the munchies.

And now this: The Chronicles of Narkia, a psychedelic fantasy adventure which uses "Christian allegory" to disguise its often outrageous indulgence in illicit substance imagery.

Or does it? Well, here is the basic plot, and you can decide for yourselves:

After a night of heavy binge drinking, four teenagers (Lucy, Susan, Dennis, and their cousin Edmund) accidentally open a door onto a fairy world permanently submerged in "snow" and "ice". There, they meet a White Witch named Jaydis (any resemblance to Kate Moss is purely coincidental), who spikes one of the kids' drinks, and goes around tranforming all her enemies into stoners.

And if that wasn't enough, there's also Philip the Horse, Mr and Mrs Beaner, a choice of Red or Black Dwarf... and, of course, Aslan the Line: who lies down on a stone table and allows himself to be snorted, so they can all live high ever after, The End.

Meanwhile, you can all start looking forward to six sequels in the coming years, including: The Silver Chaser, The Boy and his Horse, Prince Casper, The Voyage of the Downie Peddler and finally, The Last Bottle.

Enjoy.

Stoned as usual

Mr Tumnus and his magic "flute"

Speedy Allawi to contest Olympics

2005-12-04T20:32:00.000+01:00

The former Iraqi Prime Minister, "Speedy" Iyad Allawi (right), will be representing his country in the forthcoming Political Olympics, to be held in Beijing in 2008.

The announcement was made soon after today's "heats" in the Shia town of Najaf, where Mr Allawi was forced to demonstrate his sprinting prowess while being chased out of the mosque with an angry, shoe-hurling mob in hot pursuit.

"Allawi was amazing, a natural born Olympic champion," one commentator commented. "Faster than a speeding Reebok, he outpaced all sorts of flying footwear to set a new land-speed record in the 100 metre hurtle ."

The incident was televised and broadcast across the globe, and showcased Mr Allawi's remarkable ability to accelerate in sudden, unexpected spurts.

This is an indispensable talent for any sprinter, and nobody knows this better than Allawi himself, who is currently running for Prime Minister in January's elections... as well as, occasionally, running for his life.

As a result of today's breathtaking performance, Allawi was unanimously chosen by the Iraqi Olympic Committee to contest the Andale Andale, Arriba Arriba Arriba! category... popularly known as "Armageddon outta here."

Meanwhile, other political athletes to look out for in the 2008 Olympics include:

Lord Goldsmith (UK), in the hotly contested "Media Gagging" category - traditionally the domain of countries such as China and the Myanmar Republic, but popular in the UK once more thanks to the "Official Secrets Act", and;

Bill Clinton (USA), in the "Poll Vaulting" category (otherwise known as "Jumping on the Bandwagon"): chosen after an impressive display of political opportunism, when, two years after supporting the American-led invasion of Iraq, he took one look at recent opinion polls, and said: "Hey! Did I ever mention the fact that I'm actually against the war?"

And wrongly is they called pigs

2005-12-04T15:22:00.000+01:00

"Female chauvinist pigs"?... why not just "chauvinist sows"?

...Oh, and by the way: men are actually from Mercury.

Fears of global suicide wave as Take That reform

2005-12-03T15:24:00.000+01:00

Rumours that British boy band Take That may reunite later this year have sparked fears of global depression and mass suicide of the kind last seen when they first split up in 1996.

"Many people think that all the panic and hysteria back then was down to disappointed, heart-broken and mostly female teenage fans," said Skip music correspondent, Elton Dick. "Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, older music lovers wordwide were concerned that, by splitting up, Take That would actually give rise to five, separate and equally lamentable solo careers instead of only one..."

So far, this fear has proved groundless, as only one of the original five, Robbie Wiliams, has actually done anything even remotely worth mentioning since Take That.

"So you can imagine the disappointment that will be felt across the world, when the original band returns to haunt the charts after nine blissful years..." concluded Dick.

Meanwhile, a hotline has been set up for depressed music lovers. If you're feeling suicidal, call 0800-BACK-FOR-GOOD.

The Digital Divine

2005-12-02T22:15:00.000+01:00

"As God once said, and I think rightly…" Field Marshall Montgomery (1887 - 1976)

Is it my imagination, or is everyone getting kind of Biblical these days?
Yes, it's even affected us here at the Skip: God said this, God told me that. Pictures of God here, quotes by God there. God is on our side, In God we trust, God you've put on weight, Vote for God, and, most recently, The Naked Creator: More Recipes from God's Kitchen, etc., etc.

But why all this God stuff? Why now? How then? And who is this God person, anyway?
Of course, the answers to all these questions can be found in God's best-selling autobiography, How To Create The Universe In Seven Days And Influence People... commonly known as The Bible.
But who's got time to read these days? And what's the point in reading a long and (let's face it) incomprehensible book... when all you have to do is just talk to God Almighty in person, and get all the answers straight from the Heavenly Father's mouth?

Everyone's doing it these days. No, not just George - everyone. It's fast. It's free. And it's easy to use. Just log directly onto The Digital Divine: the Creator's very own online public relations agency, follow the instructions, and before you know it, you, too, will officially be on a mission from God.
So what are you waiting for? Subscribe to The Digital Divine today, and become the latest to enjoy a vast array of services tailor-made by an omniscient superior being to meet your very own, unique needs.
Recent packages include:

Insurgency 's Us
Among the more popular requests put to God these days is the instant extermination of all the enemies of one's faith.
Sadly, God no longer provides this service over the counter, as he used in the days of Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah. However, you can always ask for the next best thing: a do-it-yourself extermination kit, complete with instant Divine Justification for when you have to explain your actions afterwards.
Abu Musab Ar Zarqawi, Al Qaeda's man in Iraq, is believed to be a regular subscriber to this service. His most recent purchase resulted in the massacre of several innocents, after which he published the following statement: "God ordered us to attack the infidels by all means… even if armed infidels and unintended victims, women and children, are killed together…"

Murder, He Said
You don't have to be a psychopathic terrorist mass-murderer to avail yourself of this unique opportunity. Ordinary homicidal lunatics are equally welcome, too.
Feel like killing someone? Got a relative or two you want to bump off? Never fear: simply order the special "So God told Me To Kill Them All" option, and Gabriel's your uncle!
Among the long list of our certifiably satisfied clients are:
Jacques Robidoux of Massachussets, who claimed that "God instructed him" to starve his infant son to death in 1999;
Philip Badowsky, who used the same excuse after shooting both his parents and dismembering them with a chainsaw;
and Joseph Ganshert, who slaughtered his wife and children before committing suicide, leaving a note with the words: "God asked me to bring my family to heaven."

Politics and Home Cooking
Don't have the stomach for that kind of thing? Don't worry, not all God's services are violent. Ask television evangelist and part-time Republican propagandist, MG Pat Robertson ("MG" stands for "Mad about God", btw).
Pat has often contacted God for pre-electoral betting tips - the most recent instant being the last Presidential election: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk," Pat said after a late-night chat with God. "I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blow-out..."
However, Pat has only recently cottoned onto "God's Kitchen", and has already bagged the divine recipe for Age-Defying Protein Pancakes.
From there, it is but a short step for Pancake Pat to also master the Salvation Souffle, Transfiguration Tifle, and, of course, the top-secret Resurrection Recipe: last tasted, with dramatic effect, by Lazarus.

Relationship counselling
And finally, for a match made in heaven, contact "Paradise Partners": a divine dating agency guaranteed to give you heavenly results every time.
Among the more recent in our long list of satisfied customers is Destiny's Child star Michelle Williams, whom God advised to ditch her boyfriend earlier this year.
"I was close to marriage," she said in an interview with The Daily Disciple, "I prayed and said, 'God, you have to show me. If it ain't right, let me know'. All of a sudden, red flags started popping up…"
Michelle was thereby spared the destiny of a child in wedlock, and... more important... is now single once more. Praise the Lord!

(Note: the above use of Formula One communications methods is a recent innovation in God's mysterious ways, and has proved more efficient and cost-effective than the more traditional methods of thunder clap, voice from the Heavens, burning bush, pillar of salt, etc.)

"George? I want you to bomb Al Jazeera..."

2005-12-02T12:54:00.000+01:00

Great speech, George!

2005-12-01T13:30:00.001+01:00

It’s official: The Skip has finally seen the error of its ways, and now understands that the war in Iraq was utterly justified, and will help to make the world a better, safer place for all. And guess what? It’s all down to George's great speech yesterday. But here are the exact words of wisdom which convinced us:

“Our strategy in Iraq is clear. Our tactics are flexible and dynamic. We have changed them as conditions required…”

At last, the truth. Flexible tactics? Changing conditions? No kidding! The rules of engagement have become so flexible they can be bent to justify any action, so long as it's taken against "insurgents". And even the reason for going to war in the first place has time and again been changed according to circumstance. First it was "WMD". When it became obvious that none existed, it became "toppling a brutal dictator". Then it became "part of the global fight against terror". Then a plan to "democratise the Middle East". Then a "mission from God"...

“…and they are bringing us victory against a brutal enemy.”

Make no mistake: Saddam was brutal. He used chemical weapons. He had no respect for human rights. He allowed torture in Iraqi prisons. And he even went so far as to actively suppress the free press. So roll on, victory…

“…the terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their war against humanity. And so we must recognise Iraq as the central front in the war on terror.”

Quite right. Iraq is today the central front in the war on terror. George made sure of that himself, by dismantling its internal security infrastructure after the war, thereby allowing terrorists to infiltrate the country left, right and centre.
Naturally, the fact that Iraq was not the central front in the war on terror before the invasion - and had no known direct link with Al Qaeda, either - is completely irrelevant.

“As the Iraqi forces grow in number, they're helping to keep a better hold on the cities taken from the enemy. And as Iraqi forces grow more capable, they're increasingly taking the lead in the fight against the terrorists.”

Absolutely. Not only are Iraqi forces taking the lead in the fight against terrorists, but it seems they’re taking the lead in the insurgency, too. So hadn’t you better tell it to the Marines?

“Iraqi forces are earning the trust of their countrymen who are willing to help them in the fight against the enemy.”

Spot on again. Trouble is: which enemy? You see, according to a recent UK Ministry of Defence survey, 65 per cent of Iraqis in the Maysan province – 45 per cent across the entire country – believe “attacks on British troops are justified”; 82 per cent are “strongly opposed” to the presence of Coalition forces; 67 per cent feel less secure because of the occupation, and less than one per cent believe that the occupying forces have improved security in the country.
Just imagine what those statistics would be if the Coalition hadn’t won their hearts and minds…

"These decisions about troop levels will be driven by the conditions on the ground in Iraq and the good judgment of our commanders, not by artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington."

You tell them, George. You show those reprehensible, dishonest, irresponsible, cowardly and opportunistic Democrats who’s boss.
What a pity, though, that you didn’t listen to your own advice three years ago. What a pity that your own decision to invade Iraq was driven by “artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington and London”… instead of “by the conditions on the ground in Iraq and the good judgment of commanders”, as you seem to be suggesting now.

Ah well, better late than never.

Drama as Saddam trial resumes

2005-11-30T19:53:00.000+01:00

Top: file photo of Saddam's cunning disguise to evade capture.
Right: Iraqis celebrate their country's improved security levels

By our court correspondent in the Green Zone, Baghdad

Saddam Hussein’s trial resumed yesterday amid dramatic outbursts and scenes of unruliness in the courtroom.
Saddam himself appeared eight minutes late, loudly complaining that his toothbrush had been confiscated while he was brushing his teeth, and that prison wardens had deliberately misplaced the batteries of his Gameboy console.
“How can I conduct my defence in the face of these miscarriages of justice?” roared the former Iraqi dictator.

This outburst was followed by a 10-minute suspension of the live broadcast, during which time viewers in various parts of the country fired numerous shots into the air, loudly praising the occupying forces for the increased levels of security in Iraq since the war.

When the broadcast resumed, the judge was heard reading out the first charge… which, as the Skip had reported immediately after Saddam’s capture in 2004, was “failure to possess any weapons of mass destruction.”

“Despite knowing full well that justification of the war would depend on the discovery of stockpiles of illegal weapons of mass destruction,” intoned the judge, “Saddam Hussein deliberately and with malice aforethought failed to comply by fabricating the necessary evidence, resulting in much unnecessary embarrassment and awkwardness for the invading force.
“At the very least,” he added, “Mr Hussein could have ordered his minions to quickly manufacture a little nerve gas and maybe one or two mobile biological laboratories, so that the inspectors could later have something to show for the time and money that was wasted on a wild and ultimately fruitless goose chase...”

Defence counsellors fined
Meanwhile, two of Saddam Hussein’s defence counsellors were fined in absentia for contempt of court, after they failed to show up for the trial.
Chief defence lawyer, Skippy, immediately objected to this ruling. “Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut!” observed the bush kangaroo, adding that the counsellors in question were unable to attend that morning as they had been separately assassinated over the previous months. However, Skippy’s objection was immediately overruled.
“Being dead is not an excuse,” replied the judge. “After all, the first prosecution witness also died last week, and this didn’t stop him from testifying today...”

The judge then went on to list out the remaining charges against Saddam Hussein, which include:

> Invading a sovereign country without the necessary United Nations permission, and then citing clearly bogus reasons to justify this illegal act;

> Using chemical agents such as white phosphorus, despite the fact that the rules of engagement clearly stipulate that such agents may only be used by the United States and her allies;

> Torturing and abusing detainees in prisons such as Abu Ghraib, without the required approval and supervision of US marines;

> Sexual discrimination in the choice of torturers, with selection limited to male applicants only;

> Maintaining “secret prisons” without the knowledge and consent of the CIA, and in countries other than Poland and Bulgaria;

> Suppressing unfavourable media coverage of his actions by “accidentally bombing”, “threatening to accidentally bomb”, or “joking about threatening to accidentally bomb” any unaccommodating international television stations;

> Failing to provide citizens with sufficient bouquets of flowers to lay at the feet of the conquering heroes, and finally;

> Attempting to evade capture by impersonating Father Christmas… itself a crime according to Islamic law, as Father Christmas is by definition a Christian icon.

The case continues…

Order your CHOGM soundtrack now!

2005-11-28T20:07:00.000+01:00

Skip Records is proud to present Lou Hendrix Experience: Radio Chogm - the official (pirated) soundtrack to the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, held last weekend to enormous success on the island of Malta.

Features such unforgettable classics as:

We Will (Try And) Rock You, by Tony Zarb and the General Wookies' Union;

I've Got A Luv-er-ly Bunch of Coconuts (and not much else), by the Barbados Brass Band;

Blown Away, by St Vincent and the Grenades;

Puff the Magic Ganja Stash, by the Jaimacan Junkie Jazz ensemble;

Jailhouse Rock, by the Ugandan Opposition Orchestra;

And for all you Smiths fans out there,

Hang the Dealer: an original cover version by Singaporean pop legends, The Executioners

Not to mention, of course, a random selection of "live" solos from the Guitar Maestro himself.
So what are you waiting for? Order your copy now, and get a life-size CHOGM poster courtesy of "W.E." (Whopping Egoes)... absolutely free!

(PS: Apologies for photomontage quality... I'll get better on Photoshop, I promise.)

Death to all extremists

2005-11-26T16:44:00.000+01:00

JORDAN: In the wake of recent terrorist attacks in Amman, King Abdullah has waged a "relentless war" on extremism.

"Death to all extremists" is the slogan of his new campaign, which aims to eradicate all fundamentalists, militants, radicals and jihadists, as well as anyone else who fails to agree that tolerance and moderation are the only way forward.

"We will fight the extremists on the river-banks, on the sand-dunes and in the oases," explained a spokesman for the Royal Family. "We will obsessively hunt, track down and smoke out fanatics throughout the country, until every last mother******* one of them has been identified and terminated. They can run, but they can't hide. And they will know that our name is the Law when we lay our vengeance upon them. Now let's go to work."

Naturally, because the spokesman's comment was by definition "extremist", he was immediately arrested, imprisoned and executed, thus becoming the royal edict's first victim.

Pressed for a comment by Skip News, all King Abdullah would say was: "It's good to be the King..."

Man-sized Bush turkey

2005-11-26T16:06:00.000+01:00

Once again, US President George W. Bush paid a lightning visit to Iraq to celebrate Thanksgiving with the troops.
This time, for security reasons, he had to be camouflaged in such a way as to attract as little attention as possible.
"Let's face it," commented the White House's personal costume designer, seen here applying the final touches to the President's outfit, "Statistically speaking, it's a heck of a lot safer to be a Thanksgiving turkey in Iraq these days..."

The unbearable lightness of "binge"...

2005-11-24T15:32:00.000+01:00

EXKLUSIVE: Saved From the Skip's FAQ about the new pub licensing laws and how they will affect YOU

What is "binge drinking"?
According to one theory, "binge drinking" is the act of consuming large quantities of a cocktail called "binge": equal parts bacardi, gin and engine oil, believed to have been accidentally discovered by a crossword enthusiast while stuck on a clue.
However, a more popular definition is the one provided by Alcohol Concern: binge drinking is drinking which gets you drunk.

You mean... there's some kind of other way to drink alcohol?
In the vast experience of our team of Skip researchers... No.

Why has the UK government finally decided to liberalise its pub licensing laws?
For the same reason that monkeys eventually had no choice but to come down from the trees. But the political reason is another. It's all part of a pan-European drive to gradually harmonise alcohol consumption in all 25 member states.
One of the main factors is competition from China, which has doubled its number of confirmed alcoholics in recent years, and at this rate will overtake Europe as the worldwide fastest-growing alcoholic society by 2010. In fact, many European alcoholics are now relocating to China in search of cheaper booze. It's called Liver Drain, and has seriously eroded European competitiveness in the alcoholism sector.
Besides, even within the confines of the EU there are serious disparities in alcohol consumption levels. Southern European countries, for instance, are noticeably below par. In Italy, ice-cream sales continue to double those of beer in the summer months. In Spain, it is still customary to drink beer from a tiny, thimble-sized measure called a "cana": clearly no match for Britain's pints, Germany's litres, Ireland's yards, or the industrial cement-mixers favoured in most parts of Scandinavia.
Meanwhile, in France alone there is a discernable national disparity in alcohol consumption between north and south... which might help to explain why this month's riots were so much more violent in Paris, Lilles and Rouen than they were in Marseilles and Toulouse.

Is Britain is falling behind its European partners in the alcohol stakes as well?
Undeniably. For years now the UK has been unable to compete with more liberal European countries precisely because of its outdated licensing laws. According to figures released by Eurostat, the UK has slipped a further six places in the European League of Extraordinary Alcoholics. Very soon, it will no longer be able to form part of P8 (The world's eight most pickled nations, which regularly meet at Gleneagles for a pint or fifteen...)

How has government reacted to the first night since the new laws came into effect?
Very badly. The Skip is reliably informed that various government departments, especially the Ministry of Illicit Drugs and Excessive Drinking, were apoplectic at the news that there were no major scenes of drunken mayhem throughout the nation.
According to one source, Britain may have "passed the point of no return in its gradual transition to national sobriety". For this reason, the licensing laws may be followed by new legislation which will make sobriety in public places a crime after 10pm. Even "not being drunk enough" may be considered an offence...

How can you tell if you're not drunk enough?
There are a number of signs to look out for. For one thing, considering the prices of drinks these days, excessive alcohol consumption can seriously affect the contents of your wallet. If you can still afford a taxi after a night on the town, chances are you haven't had enough to drink.
Traditionally, glazed eyes, shlurred shpeech and an inability to spel corerctly are all well-established symptoms of drunkenness. Others include: punching people for no particular reason, getting oneself forcibly removed from the premises by bouncers, loudly referring to all passing females as "sluts", "slappers" or "whores", (note: if female, referring to all passing males as "come-here-and-get-me-you-great-big-HUNK"), crashing out on benches or under cars, urinating in public, and - most common of all - impersonating a chorus of castrated howler monkeys trying to sing "My Way" while careening all over the street.
However, as all of the above symptoms can easily be faked, policemen will be conducting on-the-spot breathalsyer tests on people who look sober.

What are the penalties?
First time offenders will be let off with a warning, but if caught again they will be forced to down seven pints in quick succession, and fined 14 packets of crisps. Repeat offenders may be sentenced to six months on the drip.
Until such laws are passed, however, the brave boozers of the United Kingdom are urged to remember the words of their immortal alcoholic admiral, Lord Nelson: "England expects that every man will do his (hic) duty... So top me up, Hardy!"

Cheney considers legislation against "Iraq revisionism"

2005-11-22T21:53:00.000+01:00

According to a top secret document leaked to the Skip, US Vice President Dick Cheney is actively considering legislation which would ban "Iraq revisionism": that is, the act of suggesting that intelligence was somehow manipulated by government to mislead the nation in the run-up to war.

It seems he got the idea from Austria, where revisionist historian David Irving faces trial for "Holocaust Denial"... a crime which carries a maximum penalty of 10 years.

"Those Austrians sure know how to handle historical dissidents," Cheney is reported to have said when he heard of the case. "That's exactly the kind of treatment we need for all these shameless, hypocritical, reprehensible, dishonest, double-dealing, dirty, low-down, Democrat revisionist traitors!"

The legislation, called the "Honesty Act", is currently being drawn up by the Ministry of Truth. Among the activities that it will make illegal are:

> claiming that the President was dishonest about the extent of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein in the build up to the war.

> claiming that the Niger Uranium allegation made in the State of the Union Address 2003 was known to be false at the time of the speech;

> claiming that the US tried to create a link between Iraq and September 11 before the war;

> claiming that George Bush seriously believes God told him to invade Iraq;

> claiming that US forces used white phosphorus against human targets;

> claiming that the US president contemplated bombing Al Jazeera in Qatar;
and finally:

> claiming anything at all without the written approval of the US State Department.

Tony Blair makes uncontroversial statement

2005-11-22T13:41:00.000+01:00

After years of consistently adopting controversial positions on anything and everything under the sun - war in Iraq, fox-hunting, the proposed 90-day terror bill, the smoking ban, the relaxation of pub laws, education reform, and more recently, the announcement that Britain will once again go nuclear - British Prime Minister Tony Blair astounded his critics yesterday by saying something that wasn't outrageously polemical or furiously uncompromising.

The incident took place shortly after Mr Blair gave evidence in front of the Commons liaison committee, during an informal moment in the presence of a number of lobby journalists. So bland and inconsequential was Mr Blair's comment that nobody present could afterwards recollect exactly what it was he said. However, all admit that it was something "any old person would say", and with which they "could all agree upon" for a change.

However, Mr Blair's fiercest critics were unimpressed by the apparent change of heart. Contacted by the Skip, Abdul Bas, spokesman for the Brotherhood of Blair-bashing Muslims, claimed that the comment was "nothing but a smokescreen to deflect attention from the worsening security situation in Iraq."

Elsewhere, the newly formed political pressure-group, B.LU.R.B. (British Labour Union of Revolting Backbenchers), issued a statement in which they declared their continuing opposition to anything Tony Blair says or does, regardless of when, where, how or why.

The B.L.U.R.B statement ended on the ominous note: "One Gordon Brown! There's only one Gordon Brown! One Gordon Bro-o-O-O-o-own...!"

Hu you calling stoopid?

2005-11-21T19:29:00.000+01:00

Dr Hu and the Christian Invasion

2005-11-21T17:12:00.000+01:00

So you thought the Daleks were stupid cos they couldn't climb stairs? Well, it seems that the latest alien to grace the popular Dr Hu series - "Dubya the Dim" - has his own mobility limitations, too.

He can't open doors.

Seen here in this exclusive pic taken during the filming of Dr Hu and the Christian Invasion, which starts on Skip TV on December 25, Dubya is the latest adversary to challenge the supremacy of our hero, the dictator and renegade Taiwan Lord, Hu Jintao.

In the new series, Dr Hu faces an invasion of radical gesticulating born-again Christians, who dare to criticise His Hu-ness on the thorny issue of Hu-man Rights... while conveniently omitting to mention the goings-on on the mysterious planet Guantanamo.

But the wily Dictator has a sonic screwdriver up his sleeve: the TRAD-US, a time machine which informs Dr Hu when it's time to talk about that teeny, weeny little business concerning trade deficits and stuff...

That's right, Doctor, you show them Hu's boss.

Letters to the Skip

2005-11-20T18:54:00.000+01:00

Dear Sir,

Your report of my obscenity was greatly exaggerated.

Yours sincerely,
Raphael Vassallo

We're not in Kansas anymore

2005-11-20T15:27:00.000+01:00

From our science correspondent, Italo Dobull

Ever paused to wonder where we all came from? Why we're all here? And why you only get 16 cigarettes in a pack of 20 when you buy it from a machine?
Well, I have, and after decades of research and deep thought, I think I can finally answer all these questions:
We came here free with a packet of breakfast cereal.
We're still here because we haven't figured out a way to go anywhere else.
And you only get 16 cigarettes because the machine takes out four from each pack so it can have a quiet smoke on its own after the lights go out.

Prove it, did you say? Ah. That's another matter altogether. And guess what? It just got a whole lot more complicated, too.

You see, science was never an easy subject. Ask Galileo Galilei. All he said was that the "earth travels around the sun" (like, gee...) and look what happened to him. They cut off his bollocks and dropped them from the tower of Pisa, to see which one would hit the ground first.

Then there was Albert Einstein. He had only just formulated his General Theory of Relativity, when, according to theory, was killed by his relative, a General.

But you know how things work. Just because science is, by definition, difficult, that's no reason why we shouldn't invent even more difficult definitions to add to the difficulty.
Which brings me to Kansas, a place in the USA where buffalo once roamed, and bull now abounds. (And where, I might add, the world really is flat... and I know because I've driven through it.)

Earlier this week, the Kansas State Board of Education took the brave new decision to "redefine" science. Not, mind you, that the laws of science work any different in Kansas than anywhere else (unless, that is, you count a certain bar in Wichita... in which it appears that liquids flow upwards instead of downwards, thus defying gravity and forcing patrons to stand on their heads while drinking...) No. It's just that, well, they're worded different, that's all.

According to the traditional definition, science is "the human activity of seeking natural explanations for what we observe in the world around us."
According to Kansas State Board of Education, science is now "a systematic method of continuing investigation that uses observation, hypothesis testing, measurement, experimentation, logical argument and theory building to lead to more adequate explanations of natural phenomena."

Bigus dickus, you might be thinking. What’s the big deal? Oh, nothing much. Just that the former definition suggests that natural explanations arise from simple observation. The latter, on the hand, suggests that observation, along with a whole series of other factors, can be used to lend weight to existing theories which do not arise from simple observation at all.

Hence the trouble: you see, this is the same Kansas State Board of Education that has for years been trying to wipe the Theory of Evolution off the school curriculum, so that kids can be taught "the truth" about the universe. I.e., that it is actually only 5,000 years old, and that it was created in seven days by a bloke called God.

Which, for all I know, might even be true. After all, there are stranger theories to account for the origins of life, the universe and everything. According to Douglas Adams, for instance, the Jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure. (However, this does not answer the immediate question: whose nose was the Great Green Arkleseizure sneezed out of in the first place?)

And there are even loopier ones, too. That the universe is actually an artificial matrix created to shield us from the nasty truth that we have been taken over by nano-machines. That the human race is actually a computer virus. That God is actually Keanu Reeves. Or that we really did come free with a packet of breakfast cereal.

So like I said, science just got a whole lot more complicated. Enjoy the ride.

We need a bigger bandwagon…

2005-11-18T14:48:00.000+01:00

Anti-war campaigners are beginning to worry that the “Let’s All Bash Bush Bandwagon” might not be big enough for the millions of people worldwide who seem to have suddenly realised that it might not have been such a good idea to invade Iraq after all.
A US poll published yesterday revealed that up to two-thirds of Americans now disagree with the Iraq war. Which raises an immediate question. Guys… what took you all so long?
But never mind. There may still be people out there who have yet to make up their minds. So to help you with this choice, here is Saved From the Skip’s exclusive guide on "How To Adopt A Win-Win Position On The Iraq War" – tried and tested by a number of leading politicians, including John Kerry and Bill Clinton.
So what are you waiting for? Find out how you, too, can change your opinion depending on what suits you most at any given time… starting with Day One: the decision to go to war.

Step 1. Give the decision your tacit support
Don’t worry, you can always change your mind later. Even Clinton, who now calls the war a “big mistake”, was originally in favour way back in 2003 (i.e., when his support actually mattered). So was Democratic representative John Murtha. In fact, he even voted to go to war... though you might be forgiven for thinking otherwise, considering he now describes the whole thing as a “flawed policy”, and even advocates a total pull-out, asap. And what about Silvio Berlusconi? (Not that we’re picking on him here at the Skip, or anything like that…) He was one of the original Coalition partners, per carita’. Now that an election is five months away, off he goes claiming he was against the idea all along, and that he even tried to dissuade the US president in private…

Step 2. Keep quiet for two years, and wait and see how things develop.
Don’t go shooting your mouth off too quickly. You never know, the war might turn out swimmingly in the end. Keep your ear to the ground, and wait for the critical moment to strike.

For instance: If things go really well…
…like, if Iraqi children line the streets after the fall of Saddam, laying garlands at the feet of heroic US liberators as they march triumphantly into the city;
… if stockpiles upon stockpiles of WMD fall out of every cupboard, and turn up under every bed;
… if Star Spangled Banners are hoisted, together with flags of the Democratic Republic of Shiny Happy Iraqi People, over the skyline of a freshly rebuilt Baghdad;
…if Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds all forget their differences, embrace each other lovingly, and dance hand in hand by the light of the moon;
… and above all, if nice, juicy reconstruction contracts start raining like confetti all over the Western world…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 3: Outhawk the hawks
Make public declarations in praise of this great victory for Democracy and against the forces of Evil, never missing an opportunity to remind everyone how you had always given your wholehearted and unwavering support for this noble mission; how proud you are of this Great Nation; how you never once doubted that good old George would pull it off in the end, etc., etc.
(Note: vomit bags are stowed under your seat)

If, on the other hand, things go rather shittily…
… like, for instance, if ungrateful insurgents insist on raining all over your parade by refusing to simply bow down and accept your military occupation of their country;
… if the weapons of mass destruction turn out to be the figment of a mass delusion;
… if more and more evidence comes to light suggesting that the entire case for war was crafted upon, at best a mistake, at worst, a downright lie;
… If the international press is suddenly awash with images of US soldiers abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib;
… If allegations suddenly surface that Coalition forces have themselves used chemical weapons, at a time when Saddam Hussein is on trial for his life for doing pretty much the same thing (and worse, if Coalition forces are obliged to admit that they had lied about it earlier)
… If both Republicans and Democrats back home suddenly join forces in a bid to end this madness once and for all;
… and above all, if things start looking pretty bleak for Bush & Co. after a whole series of administrative cock-ups and errors of judgement, from Hurricane Katrina to Hurricane Miers…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 4. Exterminate the brutes
Come out strongly and unequivocally against these stupid Republicans; criticise their administration and every aspect of their handling of this entire fiasco; choke back your tears as you loudly remonstrate how you had always been against this tomfoolery, and had tried to talk sense into those warmongering morons from day one… and above all, get cracking on your Senate and Congress election campaign as quickly as possible!

Long live Consistency, Amen.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of White Phosphorous

2005-11-17T15:12:00.000+01:00

Skip Cinema reviews this week’s top release

Dark and difficult times lie ahead: Hogwarts School of Weapons and Wizardry stands accused of using banned alchemical agents to quell a house-elf insurgency at Hufflepuff Hall.
As The Daily Prophet publishes moving pictures (in every sense of the word) of charred elf corpses, the Ministry of Magic weaves a complex web of spells and illusions to spirit away the inconvenient scandal.
After all, argue the spin wizards, the incantation used at Hufflepuff was not exactly the same as the one banned by international law: it’s only the effects that are identical...
Besides: the Weapons of Magical Destruction Treaty refers specifically to civilian targets, and we all know that house-elves are second-class citizens…
So it’s left to that snotty little wiz-kid, Harry, to expose the truth about "He Who Must Be Shamed" once and for all. But beware: here be dragoons…
Released by New Lie Cinema

Also released this week:

Corpse Bride: Romantic comedy shot entirely on location at a wedding reception at the Amman Hilton. Explosive stuff. Directed by Tim Burnt.

USA “dismayed” by Baghdad torture allegations

2005-11-17T13:12:00.000+01:00

Breaking news

Washington has expressed dismay at allegations of torture and abuse of prisoners by Iraqi police in a bunker in central Baghdad, sources close to the Skip have revealed.
“The allegations are very serious, and we have undertaken a full-blown investigation into the incident,” claimed a spokesman for the Department of Defence. “After all, it should be perfectly clear by now that only US soldiers are permitted to torture and abuse Iraqi detainees...”

"I'm innocent" - Babar

2005-11-16T21:35:00.000+01:00

Babar the Elephant, currently facing extradition to the United States on charges of inciting terrorism, has vowed he will carry on fighting to clear his name.
"I am innocent of these charges," said the King of Celesteville, who will be celebrating his 75th birthday early next year. "It's all a plot by Lord Rataxes the Rhino! He's been trying to usurp my kingdom for years!"
Babar's wife, Queen Celeste, has made a public appeal against her husband's extradition. Together with their legal team, consisting of chief counsellor Cornelius and Zephyr the monkey, the Royal Elephants are confident that the decision will be overturned.

Skippy to defend Saddam

2005-11-16T19:58:00.000+01:00

Skippy, star of the 1960s TV series Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, has been appointed defence counsellor on the team defending Saddam Hussein in Iraq.
His appointment fills the vacancy left by his predecessor, who was shot dead last month.
After retiring from television in 1969, Oz's most popular kangaroo earned a law degree from Brisbane University, and has been practising ever since.
Asked for his comments about his predecessor's fate, he replied simply: "Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut."
Skippy himself was targeted in a failed assassination attempt at his home in Waratah Park, Sydney, in 1970.

The Skip's Chemical Weapons FAQ

2005-11-16T16:08:00.000+01:00

Everything you ever wanted to know about chemical weapons but were afraid of getting nuked if you asked...

Q. What is a chemical weapon?
A. Any of a number of weapons using chemical agents banned under the international Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC) which came into force in April 1997. To place your own order, click here.

Q. What's the difference between a "chemical" and an "incendiary" weapon?
A. Simple. If it's used by a dictator or terrorist, it's "chemical". If it's used by Coalition forces, it's "incendiary".

Q. Are there any legitimate uses for chemical... sorry, incendiary weapons?
A. There are many reasons why the use of such weapons is perfectly legitimate in war. For instance, in the siege of Fallujah, officials claimed that white phosphorus was used for "illumination" purposes. In fact, eye-witnesses claimed that enemy insurgents were plainly visible as they emerged from their trenches and spiderholes engulfed in balls of flame...
According to the same source, white phosphorus was also used in Iraq "as a potent psychological weapon against the insurgents."
As you can imagine, the psychological effect of seeing your own skin melt, and your body burn to a crisp while your clothes remain intact, can be very devastating.

Q. What happens if you're caught using chemical weapons?
A. Depends on who you are, who you bought them from and what you used them for. For instance, if you're a brutal Middle Eastern dictator and you purchased your chemical weapons from a Western country, then you can feel free to use those weapons on your own population... on one condition.
You have to play ball with the country/ies from which you bought the weapons... forever.
The moment you cease to play ball with those countries, your use of chemical weapons will be deemed a crime, your country will be invaded and occupied, and you yourself will be deposed, tried and eventually condemned to death.

Q. What about the people who sold you the weapons?
A. They will continue selling weapons to your successor under the same conditions, naturally.

Q. And what if it's a Western country that's been caught using chemical weapons?
A. Ah. In that case, here are a few simple steps to follow:
1: Deny ever having used chemical weapons, anywhere.
2: (When the evidence to the contrary becomes incontrovertible) Admit to having used them, but only "sparingly", and even then, for purely "legitimate" purposes (see above).
3: Blame your advisors for having given you faulty information, and sack your head of intelligence.
4: Remind everyone that your country is not, nor ever has been, signatory to the convention which banned use of such weapons in the first place.
5: Tell everyone to stop moaning and to keep in mind that the real baddies are the ones who are part of an Axis of Evil plotting to destroy democracy and blow up the Queen.
6: (If all else fails) Napalm the nosey sons-of-bitches.

Talkin' Bull

2005-11-15T19:12:00.000+01:00

Good evening, folks, this is your host, Bob Hopeless, and I'm here to conduct another episode of... Talkin' Bull!
On tonight's programme, we'll be "talkin' bull" about Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, and his confession this week that he "didn't really mean all that stuff about abortion" back in 1985.
Alito, Bush's replacement for Harriet ("Give me a Dubbya!") Miers, was chosen largely on the strength of his staunch right wing views.
And yet, these views appear to be at best flexible. Now that the Democrats have expressed outrage at his statements 20 years ago, Alito has sought to downplay his original comments.
Questioned by Senator Dianne Franken... I mean, Feinstein, Alito replied: "Things were different back then. I was an advocate seeking a job. It was a political job, and that was 1985. I'm now a judge... it's very different. "
Which brings us to the discussion point for tonight: Can someone say whatever he likes just to get a job, and then say the complete opposite the moment he wants another one? With us to discuss this issue is leading political analyst, Dr Paul Emickle.

"Thanks, Bob. If you ask me, it's perfectly natural for a man to change his mind every now and again. After all, it happens all the time..."

OK, but here we're talking about a position which carries intense political implications. Surely on matters of principle, a man in public office must be consistent...?

"What's so 'sure' about that? Just look at Silvio Berlusconi's whole backpedal about war in Iraq last week. Two years ago, he was 'just a businessman-cum-politician trying to get in on a piece of the action'. Now that it's all gone horribly pear-shaped, and elections are less than a year away, he's suddenly 'just another I-tried-to-warn-you wiseguy after the event.' I don't know why you're making such a fuss about it. It's called politics..."

Yes, Paul, but aren't the implications of Alito's U-turn that people can't really be believed when they make public statements in their official capacity?

"Yeah... so what?"

So what? So... like... OK, what about Iranian prime minister Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's comment about Israel last month?

"What about it? What's the big deal? One week he talks to a bunch of fundamentalist students and says that Israel should be 'wiped off the map'. Next, he turns to representatives of the EU and tells them: 'That? Oh, I was just trying to impress a couple of hardcore fanatical militants with some tough talk about Israel. Don't tell me you were taking me seriously...'' I mean, that's perfectly reasonable behaviour, isn't it?"

Is it? But by the same reasoning, couldn't someone like, say, Osama Bin Laden just turn around one day and... hang on: speak of the Devil, there's a live broadcast coming in just this minute from Al-Jazeera:

(Voice of Bin Laden on TV): "My friends in the United States of Amrika: Remember that whole World Trade Centre misunderstanding, way back in September 2001? Well, things were different back then. I was just a young, wannabe terrorist, desperately trying to grab some attention. But now that the whole global geo-political dimension has changed, I have realised it is no longer in my interest to be so radically anti-Amrikan. It's very different now. I want to start over with my relations with the West. So what say you we let bygones be bygones, and just forget all about the whole thing, eh...?"

Errata Corrige

2005-11-15T17:52:00.000+01:00

We regret to inform our readers that there has been an error in our previous report of the parrot which allegedly died of Avian flu in quarantine in the UK.
In reality, it was not a parrot at all, but a Taiwanese finch.
Consequently, our report of the first case of Avian flu to hit the UK should actually have read:
"This finch is no more! 'E has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! ... 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!
THIS IS AN EX-TAIWANESE FINCH!"

We apologise for any inconvenience caused by the error.

French rioters demand EU funding

2005-11-15T04:37:00.000+01:00

Rioters across France have turned to the European Union for financial assistance, after rising oil prices have adversely affected their ability to manufacture petrol bombs and Molotov cocktails at competitive rates.

French petrol now costs over 1.25 euros a litre, which is also the approximate cost of a single petrol bomb.

"Over the past two weeks, we have torched an average of 1,200 vehicles a night across the entire country," complained one teenage malcontent from a Paris banlieu. "That's not to mention all the schools, churches, police stations, supermarkets, restaurants, bars... Can you imagine the economic impact of all this activity on the underprivileged and unemployed?"

The complaint, addressed to European Commissioner for Competition, Neelie Kroes, pointed out that under current EU legislation, the French government is obliged as far as possible to maintain a level playing field in all spheres of activity.

However, while the French police are provided with weapons, armour and salaries by the State, no such assistance is offered to the rioters themselves.

It was further noted that the tear gas used by the French police - which consists of benzyl bromide or CS gas - remains entirely unaffected by the fluctuations in market oil prices... a fact which, the rioters argue, benefits the authorities and goes against the EU's core principle of Free Trade.

Therefore the rioters have formally requested an EU subsidy on petrol, as well as the right to be provided with helmets, Perspex shields and rocket-propelled grenades free of charge.

In response, Commissioner Kroes said that the rioters' complaint is currently being examined by the Commission, which will probably issue a formal reply in around 64 years' time.

She also pointed out that funding is, was, and has always been available to rioters, not just in France but in all 25 member states, under the terms of the Militant Arsonists and Immigrant Minorities programme (MAIM)... not to mention the popular "Torch A MacDonalds Today" scheme, co-funded by the EU in conjunction with private enterprise.

All the rioters really had to do, the Commissioner continued, was simply fill out the standard 9,000 forms, available for download from the Commission's website, and then send four copies of all the relevant pages, complete with all the necessary identification, to the appropriate 3,400 addresses within the stipulated deadline... but not before finding a local sponsor who would be willing to provide up to one third of the total estimated costs of the entire project... the remaining two thirds being shared equally between the member State itself and the Regional European Department of Traditional Administrative Protocol Extravagance (R.E.D.T.A.P.E.)... after which the project would naturally have to be discussed in the Senate and approved by Parliament, and even then, there would be a substantial transitional period before...

Sadly, the Commissioner was unable to conclude her reply, as by this time the French riots had spread all the way to Brussels, resulting in the storming of the Berlaymont Building and the subsequent execution by guillotine of the entire Commission in Place Luxembourg.

FIN

"Signor Berlusconi, are you in favour of war in Iraq?"

2005-11-14T21:30:00.000+01:00

"Yeah. But no.

But yeah. But no..."

"LITTLE ITALY" - starting soon on Skip TV...

It's all in the nose...

2005-11-14T20:46:00.000+01:00

Special report from our Science Correspondent, Italo Dobull

Fascinating thing, science.

Let me give you an example. This week, a team of researchers at... well, I'll be damned... Cardiff University discovered that what your granny used to tell you about keeping warm in winter was actually true.
You are much less likely to catch a cold if you cover up warmly, than if you go prancing around butt-naked in below-freezing temperatures.
Funny you should say that: I was thinking exactly the same thing. Where on earth would we all be if it wasn't for science nowadays?
But how, you might be asking, did these researchers come up with such an extraordinary discovery?
Simple. They conducted an experiment, in which a group of 90 people (let's call it "Group A") spent 20 minutes dangling their bare feet in bowls filled with ice-cold water.
Meanwhile, a control group of 90 people (let's call it "Group A-146920") spent 20 minutes dangling their bare feet in bowls which were not filled with ice-cold water.
Later, the scientists observed how 29 per cent of Group A caught a cold within five hours, whereas the corresponding statistic for Group A-146920 was only nine per cent. (Oh, and in case you don't believe me, they published these results in Family Practice magazine.)
Conclusion? Hey presto! You are much more likely to catch a cold when you are... um... cold.

Wait, it gets better. You see, there may be an alternative reason for this phenomenon. According to a certain Professor Eccles - presumably, no relation to the Goon Show character of the same name - it might have been because they left their noses uncovered.
You see, Prof Eccles has just discovered a remarkable fact about noses: they're colder on the inside in winter than in summer.

How strange. And there I was, thinking that the temperature inside one's nostrils and the temperature outside were inversely proportional to one another...
Right. That's all from Skip Science this week. Except to say that, I too, have made an important discovery this week.
It's not such a long way to Tipperary after all. Not, at least, if you start your journey from Limerick...

Gesundheit.

Explosion in Jordan television studio

2005-11-14T13:15:00.000+01:00

Skip Skoop!

Amman was rocked yesterday by an explosion in the studio of its main television house at the heart of the Jordanian capital.
Forensic experts have since recovered part of the video that was being shot at the time of the blast.
“From an early analysis, it appears to be the filmed confession of a failed suicide bomber, arrested shortly after last week’s attack on three Amman hotels,” said one investigator.
Apparently, the female bomber in question was asked what went wrong with her planned attack.
“Well,” she replied, “I had been instructed to pull a cord on my explosive-packed belt. This one, right here…"

Ker – BLA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM!

How the President of the United States stole Christmas

2005-11-13T13:17:00.000+01:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, and just before dawn
Santa appeared on the White House front lawn.

George Bush, at the time, was asleep in his bed
While visions of terrorists danced in his head.

With a start he awoke, and just as he feared
He saw through the window... a man with a beard!

So he called the police. They answered: "Hello?"
"There's a man in my garden, crying 'Ho, ho, ho, ho!'

By the size of his coat, and the sack on his back,
He must be a bomber, about to attack!"

Alas! For George Bush had unwittingly said
A couple of words the authorities dread

Such as "bomber", "attack", which obviously means
That the nation's in danger... so call the Marines!

Poor Santa was taken with hardly a fight
His reindeer and sleigh were impounded that night.

He was questioned (and shaved) by the full CIA
Then moved to a cell in Guantanamo Bay.

There, he was forced to "do things" to himself
(As well as to simulate sex with an elf)

Until, in the end, he just broke down and cried.
"It's true," sobbed poor Santa, "I'm on Osama's side!"

Back at the White House, a press briefing began.
"We got him," they said. "We have captured the man!

A most dastardly outlaw, the worst of the lot."
They then revealed parts of the "Santa Claus Plot."

"He was planning to hijack a one-horse drawn sleigh
And use it to strike at the heart of L.A.

Then he'd come down our chimneys, and blow up our trees,
And fill up our stockings with WMDs..!"

When he heard this, George Bush was remarkably thrilled.
"If you ask me", he said, "he deserves to be killed!

It's our peace and our freedom this terrorist hates!
Yee-hah! Hallelujah! And God bless the States!"

The phone started ringing. It was 10 Downing Street:
"Congrats, my old bean, on your wonderful feat.

It's Tony, your friend, and I'm pleased to report
You can count on, as always, our fullest support!"

But not all who heard were as easily swayed.
The French, for example, were greatly dismayed.

"Mais non!" some declared, and others: "Mon dieu!
Santa? N'est pas un agent de terreur!"

The UN, for its part, voiced considerable doubt
(But by now, the UN had long lost all its clout.)

But to all of these critics, Bush quickly replied:
"You must be with him, if you're not on my side.

God said to me, 'George: Santa's guilty, I'm sure.'
And if you say no, then it only means... WAR!"

So Santa was tried in a kangaroo court
With wallaby witnesses, who were all clearly bought.

He was promptly found guilty, then tied up and shot.
And his body was strung up, and left there to rot.

And that, my dear friends, will explain loud and clear
Why you won't be receiving your presents this year.

THE END

Note: this is an updated version of the original, published in the print edition of Saved From the Skip in The Malta Independent.

My message to George was "sexed up" - God

2005-11-12T21:37:00.000+01:00

After recent revelations that George W. Bush was "told" to go to war by God, the Skip contacted our Father in Heaven and asked him the natural next question. What the hell are you playing at? Our special reporter, um, reports...

You might have heard of God before.
He's the guy who created the heavens and earth, and who sits in Judgement over the living and the dead.
He has also won Eternity Magazine's prestigious Creator of the Universe award every year for the past 15 billion years.

However, in recent millennia God has kept a relatively low profile. Rumour has it that he prefers to do the occasional spot of gardening rather than meddle in the affairs of men... so no one was more surprised than God himself when George W. Bush recently named him as the main inspiration behind his decision to go to war with Iraq.

"It's been a rough couple of weeks", admits God as we stop for a drink at the Pearly Gates Pub. "Ever since that story got out in The Guardian, our offices have been inundated with complaints and threats of legal action, mostly from the Middle East..."
But what happened exactly, I ask the Creator? What did you say to George way back in 2003?
God takes a long sip of his gin & tonic before answering. "You see, the trouble with George is that he's too eager. He's well-meaning really... just a little dim. However, not even I expected him to get such a simple message so utterly wrong. What did I say to him? My exact words were: George, I want to you to stop all this nonsense about the need to invade Iraq and to bring democracy to the Middle East. It's beginning to piss me off, you understand?"

Sounds pretty straightforward to me. So what went wrong? God shrugs his shoulders.
"It was my fault really. I forgot all about the CIA. Naturally they intercepted my communication, and by the time it reached George, the words 'stop all this nonsense about the need to' were mysteriously deleted, as was the entire second sentence. As you can imagine, the consequences were disastrous. Not only did George go and invade Iraq like I told him not to... but afterwards, he said the whole thing was my idea all along!"

But couldn't you just intervene to set things right, like in the good old days?
"What, you mean destroy Washington with a hail of fire and brimstone? Send the Angel of Death to pass over Number 10, Downing Street? I'm afraid that's no longer an option really. You're forgetting I signed a peace treaty with Noah after the Deluge, promising I'd never do that kind of thing again. And besides... fire and brimstone have since been re-classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction, and are therefore outlawed under the terms of the Armageddon Non-Proliferation Treaty..."

What about something a little less apocalyptic and slightly more, well, subtle?
"To be honest, I tried. I sent a couple of undercover secret angels to point the US in the right direction. However, they were outed by Lewis 'Scooter' Libby the moment their intelligence didn't add up to a total justification of the war. Mind you... it was worse with Tony Blair."

You mean you tried to talk sense into Tony, too?
"Sure I did. It was the only logical thing to do. Just before March 2003, I sent him a message saying, Tony - you'd be a fool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing. But I hadn't reckoned with Alastair Campbell. Not that he deleted anything... that's not his way. No, he just 'sexed up' my message so that it read: Tony - it would be cool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing..."

God shakes his head and sighs, accidentally dipping his beard into his drink. "I doubt it would have done much good in any case. You see, with George there was always some room for manoeuvre. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he's willing to listen. Tony, on the other hand, never listens to anybody but himself. The trouble with Tony is that he thinks he's me..."

I am about to ask God the standard interview question about his plans for the future - rumour has it he's working on a secret project, code-named "Universe Mk II" - when his mobile beeps suddenly.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, but I have to attend to a rather urgent matter," he says after reading the SMS with a look of concern. "It seems that George is now going around telling everyone I'm worried about Iran..."

Scientists discover free energy source to replace oil

2005-11-12T16:09:00.000+01:00

Scientists have discovered a new, free and completely renewable source of energy that may end world dependence on oil once and for all.

It is called "political backlash steam" (PBS), and in spite of the fact that it is not exactly "refined", it remains far less pollutant than traditional energy sources.

The discovery was made by accident after the publication this week of Sir Christopher Meyer's memoirs. Scientists observed how the former US ambassador's diary provoked an instant heated reaction among politicians, which soon had sparks flying all over the foreign office and Number 10.

Professor Loup E. de Loupe, of the National University of Technology and Science (NUTS) , was inspired to think of ways this energy could be harnessed and transformed into electricity.

"We decided to experiment by placing foreign secretary Jack Straw, secretary of state John Prescott and other political pygmies in a sealed chamber, and read out extracts of Sir Christopher's diary to them over a speaker system," he said.

Within minutes, it was observed that the temperature within the chamber had risen by almost 180%.

"When we got to the part about John Major's underwear, Jack Straw alone was generating enough steam to singlehandedly power the whole of New York city for at least a month", said Prof. de Loupe. "The amount of steam increased dramatically when senior diplomats, including Sir Michael Jay, were added to the chamber."

The UK has revealed plans to build an entirely new generation of power stations fuelled exclusively by PBS.

"Among the technology's many advantages is the fact that politicians will be removed from their present positions, and placed in controlled environments where they can actually do something useful for a change," said one analyst.

"Besides, because of the abundance of political gaffes and embarrassments known to senior civil servants, the supply of future memoirs through which this energy can be unleashed is practically boundless."

Hu Jintao awarded doctorate

2005-11-11T16:50:00.001+01:00

Skip skoop!

Chinese president Hu Jintao, currently in the UK to teach British PM Tony Blair how to deal with dissident upstart backbenchers, has just been awarded a doctorate by Oxford University.

Henceforth, he shall be referred to as... "DR HU."

In the first episode of a whole new series - Dr Hu and the Cyberpunks - the renegade dictator finds that his stranglehold on the Chinese media is under threat from a new alien species called "the Bloggers": a race of semi-human e-mutants who dare to defy the status quo by offering free and unbiased online news resources to the general public.

However, with the help of his faithful electronic dog, Yahoo.com, Dr Hu manages to capture the ringleader of these criminal free-thinkers, who is duly imprisoned, interrogated and ultimately exterminated, thereby restoring order to the Force.

Another happy ending for Hu...

Meanwhile, don't forget to check out the previous episode in the popular series:

Dr Hu and the Dalais: The time-travelling dictator visits a land that time forgot, and singlehandedly annexes it to his empire, thereby sparing the primitive inhabitants all the bother of sovereignty and self-rule...