My message to George was "sexed up" - God
After recent revelations that George W. Bush was "told" to go to war by God, the Skip contacted our Father in Heaven and asked him the natural next question. What the hell are you playing at? Our special reporter, um, reports...
You might have heard of God before.
He's the guy who created the heavens and earth, and who sits in Judgement over the living and the dead.
He has also won Eternity Magazine's prestigious Creator of the Universe award every year for the past 15 billion years.
However, in recent millennia God has kept a relatively low profile. Rumour has it that he prefers to do the occasional spot of gardening rather than meddle in the affairs of men... so no one was more surprised than God himself when George W. Bush recently named him as the main inspiration behind his decision to go to war with Iraq.
"It's been a rough couple of weeks", admits God as we stop for a drink at the Pearly Gates Pub. "Ever since that story got out in The Guardian, our offices have been inundated with complaints and threats of legal action, mostly from the Middle East..."
But what happened exactly, I ask the Creator? What did you say to George way back in 2003?
God takes a long sip of his gin & tonic before answering. "You see, the trouble with George is that he's too eager. He's well-meaning really... just a little dim. However, not even I expected him to get such a simple message so utterly wrong. What did I say to him? My exact words were: George, I want to you to stop all this nonsense about the need to invade Iraq and to bring democracy to the Middle East. It's beginning to piss me off, you understand?"
Sounds pretty straightforward to me. So what went wrong? God shrugs his shoulders.
"It was my fault really. I forgot all about the CIA. Naturally they intercepted my communication, and by the time it reached George, the words 'stop all this nonsense about the need to' were mysteriously deleted, as was the entire second sentence. As you can imagine, the consequences were disastrous. Not only did George go and invade Iraq like I told him not to... but afterwards, he said the whole thing was my idea all along!"
But couldn't you just intervene to set things right, like in the good old days?
"What, you mean destroy Washington with a hail of fire and brimstone? Send the Angel of Death to pass over Number 10, Downing Street? I'm afraid that's no longer an option really. You're forgetting I signed a peace treaty with Noah after the Deluge, promising I'd never do that kind of thing again. And besides... fire and brimstone have since been re-classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction, and are therefore outlawed under the terms of the Armageddon Non-Proliferation Treaty..."
What about something a little less apocalyptic and slightly more, well, subtle?
"To be honest, I tried. I sent a couple of undercover secret angels to point the US in the right direction. However, they were outed by Lewis 'Scooter' Libby the moment their intelligence didn't add up to a total justification of the war. Mind you... it was worse with Tony Blair."
You mean you tried to talk sense into Tony, too?
"Sure I did. It was the only logical thing to do. Just before March 2003, I sent him a message saying, Tony - you'd be a fool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing. But I hadn't reckoned with Alastair Campbell. Not that he deleted anything... that's not his way. No, he just 'sexed up' my message so that it read: Tony - it would be cool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing..."
God shakes his head and sighs, accidentally dipping his beard into his drink. "I doubt it would have done much good in any case. You see, with George there was always some room for manoeuvre. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he's willing to listen. Tony, on the other hand, never listens to anybody but himself. The trouble with Tony is that he thinks he's me..."
I am about to ask God the standard interview question about his plans for the future - rumour has it he's working on a secret project, code-named "Universe Mk II" - when his mobile beeps suddenly.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, but I have to attend to a rather urgent matter," he says after reading the SMS with a look of concern. "It seems that George is now going around telling everyone I'm worried about Iran..."
You might have heard of God before.
He's the guy who created the heavens and earth, and who sits in Judgement over the living and the dead.
He has also won Eternity Magazine's prestigious Creator of the Universe award every year for the past 15 billion years.
However, in recent millennia God has kept a relatively low profile. Rumour has it that he prefers to do the occasional spot of gardening rather than meddle in the affairs of men... so no one was more surprised than God himself when George W. Bush recently named him as the main inspiration behind his decision to go to war with Iraq.
"It's been a rough couple of weeks", admits God as we stop for a drink at the Pearly Gates Pub. "Ever since that story got out in The Guardian, our offices have been inundated with complaints and threats of legal action, mostly from the Middle East..."
But what happened exactly, I ask the Creator? What did you say to George way back in 2003?
God takes a long sip of his gin & tonic before answering. "You see, the trouble with George is that he's too eager. He's well-meaning really... just a little dim. However, not even I expected him to get such a simple message so utterly wrong. What did I say to him? My exact words were: George, I want to you to stop all this nonsense about the need to invade Iraq and to bring democracy to the Middle East. It's beginning to piss me off, you understand?"
Sounds pretty straightforward to me. So what went wrong? God shrugs his shoulders.
"It was my fault really. I forgot all about the CIA. Naturally they intercepted my communication, and by the time it reached George, the words 'stop all this nonsense about the need to' were mysteriously deleted, as was the entire second sentence. As you can imagine, the consequences were disastrous. Not only did George go and invade Iraq like I told him not to... but afterwards, he said the whole thing was my idea all along!"
But couldn't you just intervene to set things right, like in the good old days?
"What, you mean destroy Washington with a hail of fire and brimstone? Send the Angel of Death to pass over Number 10, Downing Street? I'm afraid that's no longer an option really. You're forgetting I signed a peace treaty with Noah after the Deluge, promising I'd never do that kind of thing again. And besides... fire and brimstone have since been re-classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction, and are therefore outlawed under the terms of the Armageddon Non-Proliferation Treaty..."
What about something a little less apocalyptic and slightly more, well, subtle?
"To be honest, I tried. I sent a couple of undercover secret angels to point the US in the right direction. However, they were outed by Lewis 'Scooter' Libby the moment their intelligence didn't add up to a total justification of the war. Mind you... it was worse with Tony Blair."
You mean you tried to talk sense into Tony, too?
"Sure I did. It was the only logical thing to do. Just before March 2003, I sent him a message saying, Tony - you'd be a fool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing. But I hadn't reckoned with Alastair Campbell. Not that he deleted anything... that's not his way. No, he just 'sexed up' my message so that it read: Tony - it would be cool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing..."
God shakes his head and sighs, accidentally dipping his beard into his drink. "I doubt it would have done much good in any case. You see, with George there was always some room for manoeuvre. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he's willing to listen. Tony, on the other hand, never listens to anybody but himself. The trouble with Tony is that he thinks he's me..."
I am about to ask God the standard interview question about his plans for the future - rumour has it he's working on a secret project, code-named "Universe Mk II" - when his mobile beeps suddenly.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, but I have to attend to a rather urgent matter," he says after reading the SMS with a look of concern. "It seems that George is now going around telling everyone I'm worried about Iran..."
