Saved From The Skip

Today I was interviewed by Jomec TV about my experience in Wales thus far.

In the course of the interview, I thanked numerous people and institutions for their help and encouragement, including:
The Little Sisters of The Mentally Infirm - Malta, who released me from captivity specifically for the occasion;
The Malta Independent, which did much the same thing;
the Bouncers at Loyds Number One Bar, who have always been so sympathetic and understanding of my plight;
the British Council, which successfully conned the British taxpayer into footing the bill for the entire escapade;
and, of course, Dolly the Sheep, with whom I shared so many special and unforgettable moments out in the frozen Welsh wasteland.

It dawned on me later, however, that I forgot to thank the one person who has been a constant source of inspiration and spiritual solace to me in my self-imposed exile. I refer to His Smoothness, The Rev. James (pictured above)

Honestly, my experience in Cardiff would not have been the same without the Reverend's persistent company and sound advice.

The omission is much regretted.

Exklusive! Saved From The Skip has come into possession of shocking new photographic evidence of the full extent of the Canadian seal massacre.

As these photos plainly show, Canadian celebrities Bryan Adams and Celine Dion regularly indulge in what is fast becoming Canada's national pastime: i.e., clubbing cute, innocent little baby seals to death, skinning them, making necklaces out of their teeth and eye-balls, and then eating their livers in a gruesome Satanic ritual.

As a result of these and other grim revelations, Saved From The Skip is proud to announce that it, too, will be jumping on the cute'n'fluffy bandwagon alongside artists and oddballs like Morrissey, Bridgitte Bardot, Sir Paul McFartney and Sir Philip Wiggenraad (of Fisticuffs fame).

We therefore urge all Skip clients to call for an immediate ban on all Canadian exports (especially Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, who should have been banned years ago anyway), and to have Canada included in the Axis of Evil, on pain of United Nations sanctions, Amen.


How you, too, can help save a baby seal:

> Boycott Canadian products (All three of them)

> Stop singing the theme tune to Titanic in the shower

> Stop singing Bryan Adams' The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You. (Note: if you find this too much of a sacrifice, consider changing the lyrics to: The Only Thing That Looks Good On Bryan Adams is a High Voltage Cable Attached With Crocodile Clips to His (censored)

> If you pass by a club and hear them playing Summer of 69, kindly follow Morrissey's advice and "Hang the Deejay."

> And finally, Pamela Anderson has now joined the campaign to stop seal hunting. As part of her crusade, all proceeds from illegal sales of her home-made porn video will be donated to the Save The Seal campaign. So what are you waiting for? Order your copy now!

In a frank (and quite frankly unexpected) admission yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair described his 2004 public decision to resign before the next election as a "mistake".

"Yes, of course it's a mistake for me to resign before the end of my third time," he told an ABC radio interviewer during his 'Blair Down Under' tour of Oz.

"In reality, I should have resigned ages ago... like, when it became obvious that we never had a reason to invade Iraq in the first place."

Mr Blair was in Australia to promote his latest album, I Did It George's Way, recorded with his old band, Tony and the Tough-Going New Tories. He was accompanied by his wife and backing vocalist, Cherie (above right), who delighted Oz audiences with renditions of such timeless Aussie classics as The Wild Colonial Prime Minister, (Iraq's) Our Territory, and, of course, Waltzing Moqtadr.

Just out of curiosity: what positions do Joe Tanti and Colin Fitz play?

A month after the launch of Google.cn, Saved From The Skip took a crash course in basic Mandarin in order to do some research into Google's Chinese search engine.
Here are the results of a few quick searches, compared to the equivalent searches on Google.co.uk:

Search phrase: “Falun Gong”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 2,180,000
Hits: (google.cn): 78,800

Search phrase: “Tibet”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 16,700,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 3,160,000

Search phrase: “Prince Charles”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 22,500,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 65,000

Search phrase: “Prince Charles thinks Hu Jintao is an appalling old waxwork”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 5
Hits: (google.cn) : 5

Search phrase: “Tiananmen Square”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 1,870,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 48,800

Search phrase (exact): “Tiananmen Square massacre”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 296,000
Hits: (google.cn) : 323

Search phrase (exact): “Free Tibet Campaign”
Hits: (google.co.uk): 67,600
Hits: (google.cn): 20

Conclusion: as the results of this ultra-scientific experiment clearly show, Google has NOT censored the content of its Chinese website in any way. (And if you dare to think otherwise, you will instantly disappear without a trace along with all your family, and all evidence of your miserable existence will immediately be erased from the World Wide Web.)

Thank you for your kind attention.

Jesus Christ has exhorted blues singer Isaac Hayes, former voice of South Park's Chef character, to return to the show after quitting for his own personal, religious and hypocritical reasons.

After nine years of gleeful participation in South Park's repeated satirical onslaughts on other people's religions, Hayes seems to have suddenly developed a marked religious sensitivity of his own... by a huge coincidence, the moment the cartoon poked fun at the Church of Scientology, of which he just happens to be a member.

"C'mon, Isaac, don't be such a wuss", said the Only Son Of God during one of his talk show's many commercial breaks. "What happened all of a sudden? Where was this newfound religious sensitivity of yours when I was forced to perform Crack wrestling with Satan? Or when Cartman sang: 'Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can't help but think that he looks kinda' hot'? I mean, Jeeze, Isaac... where'd your sense of humour go?"

Meanwhile, Saved From The Skip sadly announces that in the light of Hayes' hypocrisy, it will be rioting in various localities, and joining the world wide boycott of all products associated with South Park's Chef character... starting with his Chocolate Salty Balls.

So there, too!






BOYCOTT MY CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS!

A six-month-old foetus has been given an Anti-Social Behaviour Order for kicking its mother inside the womb, The Skip has learnt.

It seems that the victim of the crime, a 28-year-old mother of two, received a direct and premeditated kick to her uterus lining, precipitating a bout of morning sickness and causing untold psychological damage.

The ASBO was given by the Magistrates Court, after rejecting the prosecution's bid for a charge of assault and battery.

The order prevents the foetus - who cannot be named because it hasn't been named - from any further violent behaviour for the remainder of its gestation period. After birth, the child will be kept under observation, and will be deemed in violation of its order for any of the following offences:

> Pressing too hard with its gums during breast-feeding
> Pulling hair
> Deliberately regurgitating solid food
> Indiscriminately throwing toys out of its play-pen.

"Catch 'em young, that's what I always say," said a spokesman for Scotland Yard when contacted for comment by The Skip.

In fact, the unborn offender is to date the youngest to have received an ASBO, followed by a seven-month-old baby girl who was reprimanded for causing wilful and wanton damage to her diapers, and a 13-month old toddler whose first audible words were "F*** off and die."

And now, the weather...

With 55% of the overall vote, disgraced glam rock icon Gary Glitter has emerged as overall winner in Saved from The Skip's exclusive "Who Should REALLY have replaced Charles Kennedy as Lib Dem leader?" scientific poll.

He was followed by Rolling Stone stoner Keith Richards, who garnered 27% of the vote, and fashion celebrity pornalike Paris Hilton (yummy yummy, tasty burger) with 18%.



"You can tell from these results that today's liberals want their leaders to represent a wider range of cultural vices," said Dame Ava Fag, Saved From the Skip's resident political analyst. "After all, Charles Kennedy had to resign after admitting to having an alcohol problem - which is traditionally a Tory-associated vice anyway. Liberals today clearly find it easier to identify with convicted paedophiles, skeletal drug fiends and celebrity sluts, rather than with boring old boozers."


The Skip meanwhile tried to contact the real Lib Dem leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, for his reactions. Sadly, however, Ming was too busy trying to conquer the Universe to reply...

The other day I was walking in the direction of Cardiff Central Station, when, lo and behold! A man (from Nigeria, I later found out) stepped out of nowhere, armed with a megaphone in one hand and a Bible in the other.

Before I knew what was happening, he was right in my face, roaring at me through his megaphone like an Alcoholic Prophet of Doom.

"I AM THE RESURRECTION!", he roared.

"...AND I AM THE LIGHT!", he roared again.

Naturally, I was profoundly shocked that someone could so brazenly insult my religion in this way. So I spoke unto him thus:

"Fie, for shame! How dare you quote The Stone Roses so freely? Have ye no respect (not even just a little bit)? And besides: know ye not the Ten Commandments? As in, 'I Am John Squire Thy Guitarist, Thou Shalt Have No False Guitarists Before Me'? Or, 'Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of Ian Brown In Vain'? Now apologise instantly for this offence, or, like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, I shall wreak my vengeance upon thee!"

But the man did nothing of the kind. Instead, he simply roared again:

"REPENT" (he roared again) "FOR THE END IS NIGH!"

Now, this was way, way too much. I mean, quoting The Stone Roses out of context is one thing. But Jim Morisson? At a train station? And out of tune, too?

And so, touched by Divine Fury, and salivating righteous saliva, I immediately proceeded to the nearest flag shop (for fairly obvious reasons, there is one right outside the Millennium Stadium) and purchased a highly flammable Nigerian flag for the sum of £7.50, including VAT.

I then set up camp outside the Nigerian embassy, and after duly setting the flag alight, I demanded that the government of Nigeria apologise without delay for this intolerable offence to my musical sensitivity.

And until such apology is forthcoming, I shall be boycotting Nigerian goods, and rioting in various parts of the city (starting with a pub early next Friday evening: most likely The Pen and Wig, as beer there is cheap, and rioters generally welcome.)

Meanwhile, all similarly offended music lovers are invited to join my crusade by staging simultaneous protests and riots in their own countries. Will keep you all posted...

Anyone for skiing on Snowdon...?