Saved From The Skip

'Twas the night before Christmas, and just before dawn
Santa appeared on the White House front lawn.

George Bush, at the time, was asleep in his bed
While visions of terrorists danced in his head.

With a start he awoke, and just as he feared
He saw through the window... a man with a beard!

So he called the police. They answered: "Hello?"
"There's a man in my garden, crying 'Ho, ho, ho, ho!'

By the size of his coat, and the sack on his back,
He must be a bomber, about to attack!"

Alas! For George Bush had unwittingly said
A couple of words the authorities dread

Such as "bomber", "attack", which obviously means
That the nation's in danger... so call the Marines!

Poor Santa was taken with hardly a fight
His reindeer and sleigh were impounded that night.

He was questioned (and shaved) by the full CIA
Then moved to a cell in Guantanamo Bay.

There, he was forced to "do things" to himself
(As well as to simulate sex with an elf)

Until, in the end, he just broke down and cried.
"It's true," sobbed poor Santa, "I'm on Osama's side!"

Back at the White House, a press briefing began.
"We got him," they said. "We have captured the man!

A most dastardly outlaw, the worst of the lot."
They then revealed parts of the "Santa Claus Plot."

"He was planning to hijack a one-horse drawn sleigh
And use it to strike at the heart of L.A.

Then he'd come down our chimneys, and blow up our trees,
And fill up our stockings with WMDs..!"

When he heard this, George Bush was remarkably thrilled.
"If you ask me", he said, "he deserves to be killed!

It's our peace and our freedom this terrorist hates!
Yee-hah! Hallelujah! And God bless the States!"

The phone started ringing. It was 10 Downing Street:
"Congrats, my old bean, on your wonderful feat.

It's Tony, your friend, and I'm pleased to report
You can count on, as always, our fullest support!"

But not all who heard were as easily swayed.
The French, for example, were greatly dismayed.

"Mais non!" some declared, and others: "Mon dieu!
Santa? N'est pas un agent de terreur!"

The UN, for its part, voiced considerable doubt
(But by now, the UN had long lost all its clout.)

But to all of these critics, Bush quickly replied:
"You must be with him, if you're not on my side.

God said to me, 'George: Santa's guilty, I'm sure.'
And if you say no, then it only means... WAR!"

So Santa was tried in a kangaroo court
With wallaby witnesses, who were all clearly bought.

He was promptly found guilty, then tied up and shot.
And his body was strung up, and left there to rot.

And that, my dear friends, will explain loud and clear
Why you won't be receiving your presents this year.

THE END

Note: this is an updated version of the original, published in the print edition of Saved From the Skip in The Malta Independent.