French rioters demand EU funding
Rioters across France have turned to the European Union for financial assistance, after rising oil prices have adversely affected their ability to manufacture petrol bombs and Molotov cocktails at competitive rates.
French petrol now costs over 1.25 euros a litre, which is also the approximate cost of a single petrol bomb.
"Over the past two weeks, we have torched an average of 1,200 vehicles a night across the entire country," complained one teenage malcontent from a Paris banlieu. "That's not to mention all the schools, churches, police stations, supermarkets, restaurants, bars... Can you imagine the economic impact of all this activity on the underprivileged and unemployed?"
The complaint, addressed to European Commissioner for Competition, Neelie Kroes, pointed out that under current EU legislation, the French government is obliged as far as possible to maintain a level playing field in all spheres of activity.
However, while the French police are provided with weapons, armour and salaries by the State, no such assistance is offered to the rioters themselves.
It was further noted that the tear gas used by the French police - which consists of benzyl bromide or CS gas - remains entirely unaffected by the fluctuations in market oil prices... a fact which, the rioters argue, benefits the authorities and goes against the EU's core principle of Free Trade.
Therefore the rioters have formally requested an EU subsidy on petrol, as well as the right to be provided with helmets, Perspex shields and rocket-propelled grenades free of charge.
In response, Commissioner Kroes said that the rioters' complaint is currently being examined by the Commission, which will probably issue a formal reply in around 64 years' time.
She also pointed out that funding is, was, and has always been available to rioters, not just in France but in all 25 member states, under the terms of the Militant Arsonists and Immigrant Minorities programme (MAIM)... not to mention the popular "Torch A MacDonalds Today" scheme, co-funded by the EU in conjunction with private enterprise.
All the rioters really had to do, the Commissioner continued, was simply fill out the standard 9,000 forms, available for download from the Commission's website, and then send four copies of all the relevant pages, complete with all the necessary identification, to the appropriate 3,400 addresses within the stipulated deadline... but not before finding a local sponsor who would be willing to provide up to one third of the total estimated costs of the entire project... the remaining two thirds being shared equally between the member State itself and the Regional European Department of Traditional Administrative Protocol Extravagance (R.E.D.T.A.P.E.)... after which the project would naturally have to be discussed in the Senate and approved by Parliament, and even then, there would be a substantial transitional period before...
Sadly, the Commissioner was unable to conclude her reply, as by this time the French riots had spread all the way to Brussels, resulting in the storming of the Berlaymont Building and the subsequent execution by guillotine of the entire Commission in Place Luxembourg.
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