Saved From The Skip

"As God once said, and I think rightly…" Field Marshall Montgomery (1887 - 1976)


Is it my imagination, or is everyone getting kind of Biblical these days?
Yes, it's even affected us here at the Skip: God said this, God told me that. Pictures of God here, quotes by God there. God is on our side, In God we trust, God you've put on weight, Vote for God, and, most recently, The Naked Creator: More Recipes from God's Kitchen, etc., etc.

But why all this God stuff? Why now? How then? And who is this God person, anyway?
Of course, the answers to all these questions can be found in God's best-selling autobiography, How To Create The Universe In Seven Days And Influence People... commonly known as The Bible.
But who's got time to read these days? And what's the point in reading a long and (let's face it) incomprehensible book... when all you have to do is just talk to God Almighty in person, and get all the answers straight from the Heavenly Father's mouth?

Everyone's doing it these days. No, not just George - everyone. It's fast. It's free. And it's easy to use. Just log directly onto The Digital Divine: the Creator's very own online public relations agency, follow the instructions, and before you know it, you, too, will officially be on a mission from God.
So what are you waiting for? Subscribe to The Digital Divine today, and become the latest to enjoy a vast array of services tailor-made by an omniscient superior being to meet your very own, unique needs.
Recent packages include:

Insurgency 's Us
Among the more popular requests put to God these days is the instant extermination of all the enemies of one's faith.
Sadly, God no longer provides this service over the counter, as he used in the days of Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah. However, you can always ask for the next best thing: a do-it-yourself extermination kit, complete with instant Divine Justification for when you have to explain your actions afterwards.
Abu Musab Ar Zarqawi, Al Qaeda's man in Iraq, is believed to be a regular subscriber to this service. His most recent purchase resulted in the massacre of several innocents, after which he published the following statement: "God ordered us to attack the infidels by all means… even if armed infidels and unintended victims, women and children, are killed together…"

Murder, He Said
You don't have to be a psychopathic terrorist mass-murderer to avail yourself of this unique opportunity. Ordinary homicidal lunatics are equally welcome, too.
Feel like killing someone? Got a relative or two you want to bump off? Never fear: simply order the special "So God told Me To Kill Them All" option, and Gabriel's your uncle!
Among the long list of our certifiably satisfied clients are:
Jacques Robidoux of Massachussets, who claimed that "God instructed him" to starve his infant son to death in 1999;
Philip Badowsky, who used the same excuse after shooting both his parents and dismembering them with a chainsaw;
and Joseph Ganshert, who slaughtered his wife and children before committing suicide, leaving a note with the words: "God asked me to bring my family to heaven."

Politics and Home Cooking
Don't have the stomach for that kind of thing? Don't worry, not all God's services are violent. Ask television evangelist and part-time Republican propagandist, MG Pat Robertson ("MG" stands for "Mad about God", btw).
Pat has often contacted God for pre-electoral betting tips - the most recent instant being the last Presidential election: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk," Pat said after a late-night chat with God. "I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blow-out..."
However, Pat has only recently cottoned onto "God's Kitchen", and has already bagged the divine recipe for Age-Defying Protein Pancakes.
From there, it is but a short step for Pancake Pat to also master the Salvation Souffle, Transfiguration Tifle, and, of course, the top-secret Resurrection Recipe: last tasted, with dramatic effect, by Lazarus.

Relationship counselling
And finally, for a match made in heaven, contact "Paradise Partners": a divine dating agency guaranteed to give you heavenly results every time.
Among the more recent in our long list of satisfied customers is Destiny's Child star Michelle Williams, whom God advised to ditch her boyfriend earlier this year.
"I was close to marriage," she said in an interview with The Daily Disciple, "I prayed and said, 'God, you have to show me. If it ain't right, let me know'. All of a sudden, red flags started popping up…"
Michelle was thereby spared the destiny of a child in wedlock, and... more important... is now single once more. Praise the Lord!

(Note: the above use of Formula One communications methods is a recent innovation in God's mysterious ways, and has proved more efficient and cost-effective than the more traditional methods of thunder clap, voice from the Heavens, burning bush, pillar of salt, etc.)