Saved From The Skip

EXKLUSIVE: Saved From the Skip's FAQ about the new pub licensing laws and how they will affect YOU

What is "binge drinking"?
According to one theory, "binge drinking" is the act of consuming large quantities of a cocktail called "binge": equal parts bacardi, gin and engine oil, believed to have been accidentally discovered by a crossword enthusiast while stuck on a clue.
However, a more popular definition is the one provided by Alcohol Concern: binge drinking is drinking which gets you drunk.

You mean... there's some kind of other way to drink alcohol?
In the vast experience of our team of Skip researchers... No.

Why has the UK government finally decided to liberalise its pub licensing laws?
For the same reason that monkeys eventually had no choice but to come down from the trees. But the political reason is another. It's all part of a pan-European drive to gradually harmonise alcohol consumption in all 25 member states.
One of the main factors is competition from China, which has doubled its number of confirmed alcoholics in recent years, and at this rate will overtake Europe as the worldwide fastest-growing alcoholic society by 2010. In fact, many European alcoholics are now relocating to China in search of cheaper booze. It's called Liver Drain, and has seriously eroded European competitiveness in the alcoholism sector.
Besides, even within the confines of the EU there are serious disparities in alcohol consumption levels. Southern European countries, for instance, are noticeably below par. In Italy, ice-cream sales continue to double those of beer in the summer months. In Spain, it is still customary to drink beer from a tiny, thimble-sized measure called a "cana": clearly no match for Britain's pints, Germany's litres, Ireland's yards, or the industrial cement-mixers favoured in most parts of Scandinavia.
Meanwhile, in France alone there is a discernable national disparity in alcohol consumption between north and south... which might help to explain why this month's riots were so much more violent in Paris, Lilles and Rouen than they were in Marseilles and Toulouse.

Is Britain is falling behind its European partners in the alcohol stakes as well?
Undeniably. For years now the UK has been unable to compete with more liberal European countries precisely because of its outdated licensing laws. According to figures released by Eurostat, the UK has slipped a further six places in the European League of Extraordinary Alcoholics. Very soon, it will no longer be able to form part of P8 (The world's eight most pickled nations, which regularly meet at Gleneagles for a pint or fifteen...)

How has government reacted to the first night since the new laws came into effect?
Very badly. The Skip is reliably informed that various government departments, especially the Ministry of Illicit Drugs and Excessive Drinking, were apoplectic at the news that there were no major scenes of drunken mayhem throughout the nation.
According to one source, Britain may have "passed the point of no return in its gradual transition to national sobriety". For this reason, the licensing laws may be followed by new legislation which will make sobriety in public places a crime after 10pm. Even "not being drunk enough" may be considered an offence...

How can you tell if you're not drunk enough?
There are a number of signs to look out for. For one thing, considering the prices of drinks these days, excessive alcohol consumption can seriously affect the contents of your wallet. If you can still afford a taxi after a night on the town, chances are you haven't had enough to drink.
Traditionally, glazed eyes, shlurred shpeech and an inability to spel corerctly are all well-established symptoms of drunkenness. Others include: punching people for no particular reason, getting oneself forcibly removed from the premises by bouncers, loudly referring to all passing females as "sluts", "slappers" or "whores", (note: if female, referring to all passing males as "come-here-and-get-me-you-great-big-HUNK"), crashing out on benches or under cars, urinating in public, and - most common of all - impersonating a chorus of castrated howler monkeys trying to sing "My Way" while careening all over the street.
However, as all of the above symptoms can easily be faked, policemen will be conducting on-the-spot breathalsyer tests on people who look sober.

What are the penalties?
First time offenders will be let off with a warning, but if caught again they will be forced to down seven pints in quick succession, and fined 14 packets of crisps. Repeat offenders may be sentenced to six months on the drip.
Until such laws are passed, however, the brave boozers of the United Kingdom are urged to remember the words of their immortal alcoholic admiral, Lord Nelson: "England expects that every man will do his (hic) duty... So top me up, Hardy!"