Saved From The Skip

Rumours that British boy band Take That may reunite later this year have sparked fears of global depression and mass suicide of the kind last seen when they first split up in 1996.

"Many people think that all the panic and hysteria back then was down to disappointed, heart-broken and mostly female teenage fans," said Skip music correspondent, Elton Dick. "Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, older music lovers wordwide were concerned that, by splitting up, Take That would actually give rise to five, separate and equally lamentable solo careers instead of only one..."

So far, this fear has proved groundless, as only one of the original five, Robbie Wiliams, has actually done anything even remotely worth mentioning since Take That.

"So you can imagine the disappointment that will be felt across the world, when the original band returns to haunt the charts after nine blissful years..." concluded Dick.

Meanwhile, a hotline has been set up for depressed music lovers. If you're feeling suicidal, call 0800-BACK-FOR-GOOD.