Saved From The Skip

You know something's wrong with your war on terror when you have to ask a fictitious superhero in a bat-winged leotard for help.
Saved From The Skip catches up with DC Comics' Batman - who will be "kicking Al Qaeda's ass" in the next Frank Miller comic book Holy Terror, Batman! - to ask him a couple of questions. (Like: what took you so long?)

Batman: why did you wait four whole years after September 11 to get involved in the war on terror?
Well, I thought I'd leave my sidekick, George the Boy Wonder, in charge of things while I hung upside-down in my batcave and got a little hard-earned rest. (I've being doing this kind of thing since 1939, you know) But when I saw how badly George screwed things up with Osama, I just had to get the old costume out and give it a good dusting...

It has been remarked that you and George "Wonder" Bush are quite similar in character. Do you agree?
George and I have much the same philosophy when it comes to dealing with baddies. There's no beating about the bush (if you'll excuse the pun). Things are either black or white. Good or evil. Us or them. And if you're not with us, then it's Biff! Sock! Bam! Kapow! You can work the rest out for yourself.
Besides: read my old comic books. Did I ever turn to the UN for a second resolution before swinging in and taking a little unilateral action? Heck, no. I always went straight for the pre-emptive strike, and I don't remember anyone ever complaining too much.

Yes, but how can you tell the good guys from the bad guys?
Easy. It's all in the way they're drawn. The good guys are always clean-cut, innocent by-standers, single mothers with pushchairs, etc. The bad guys are unshaven, wear berets and eye-masks, and carry bags with the word "SWAG" written in big letters. You really can't go wrong. But nowadays, you get these liberal anarchist pansy philosophers like Noam Chomsky, trying to confuse people into thinking that good might be bad, and bad might be good, and all that crap. Honestly, if I lay my hands on him there'll a few Biffs on this page...

Tell us about your alter-ego, Bruce Wayne.
Bruce is one of the reasons George and I always got on so well (apart from the fact that we're both comical characters, of course.) For while Clark Kent was a struggling journalist for the Daily Planet, and Peter Parker was (no offence or anything) a total nerd, Bruce was a reclusive millionaire whose family had made its fortune by speculating in Gotham real estate. I guess that makes me part of The Elite, what George would call his "home base"...

What do you think of modern day cartoons? Why has no one else in Toonland gone after Osama?
If you ask me, they've all gone soft. Go back 60 years or so, and it was a different ball game. It wasn't just me, Superman and Captain America who were whacking Adolf Hitler and the Japs. Oh, no. Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, heck, even The Three Little Pigs had a go. Today? You've got Homer Simpson slouching on a sofa guzzling beer all day long, and Carter going around swearing his head off. And don't even get me started on the Power Puff Girls....

How do you rate Osama Bin Laden as a batvillain?
Personally, I think he's a little unrealistically drawn. Think about it: all the classic supervillains had their immediately recognisable visual traits. The Joker had his green hair and his mad grin; The Penguin, his top hat and monocle; Catwoman, a tight-fitting leather outfit and those... well, never mind. Osama? He's got a four-foot beard, a turban, a military jacket and a Kalashnikov permanently slung over his shoulder. Way, way too much... just goes to show how modern cartoonists don't know when enough is enough.
Having said that, his background story fits the usual formula to a T. Most of the classic superhero nemeses were actually by-products of failed top-secret military or scientific experiments. Osama is no exception. It is widely known that he was created as part of a top secret CIA operation to fight the Russians in Afghanistan. And then, after the war was over, they simply forgot about him and let him plot his revenge from the Tora Bora caves with the rest of the muhajeddin. Classic Marvel Comics stuff. And in true supervillain fashion, his whereabouts remain a mystery to this day. Some say he's hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. Some say he's in Pakistan, Morocco, Kenya, the USA... some even think he's dead.

Thanks, Batman. One last question: now that gay partnerships have become legal in the UK, when will you and Robin be tying the...