Saved From The Skip

Skip Skoop! Speaking at the White House yesterday, President George W. Bush (left) revealed how his tireless commitment to the war on terror has once again saved the human race from certain extinction... this time by foiling a plot to strike terror into the heart of the American West Coast. But then, why would you care what we have to say about it? Hear it straight from the Dubya's mouth through our unique, exclusive "you heard it here first" direct dial-up audio White House link (TM)!


"My fellow Americans, our friends in Yurp (and you, too, God): listen up, cos I got something real important to say t'y'all.

"Once again, our efforts against innernational terr'rism have saved America from another attack by evil terr'rists... that's right, the same terr'rists we said we'd smoke out from their caves in Afghanistan over four years ago... and, well, this is how we did it.

"Our boys in the CIA got wind that these evil men wanted to hijack a UN plane, and fly it over our air space at low altitude so that we would be lured into shooting it down (like we always do when we don't know exactly what something is). This would have been be considered an act of aggression on our part against the world, allowing the terr'rists to legitimately retaliate by...

"Not now, Condi, can't you see I'm giving a speech? What? That's what we were planning to do to Iraq instead of getting a second UN resolution?

"Oh. Shit. Sorry, folks, guess I picked up the wrong notes.

"Anyhow, as I was saying: these terr'rists, these bad guys who go 'round killing innocent folk, what they really wanted to do was bomb a major innernational television network, killing all the innocent journalists inside, and do you know why? Just because they didn't like the way.... they... were... reporting... the...

"HEY! Who slipped the secret Al Jazeera memo into my brief case? Was it you Tony? Look, I know you British invented this thing called 'yumour', but now really isn't the time, you got that?

"Right, where was I? Oh, yes, the bad guys. Hang on a sec, let me find the right documents. Here we are! Earlier last year, American intelligence foiled a plot by evil terr'rists to use a banned chemical agent known as White Phosphorous to... no, no, that's not it... Let's try this one: they were going to abduct various people from different countries, arrest them without charge, and then transport them by means of secret flights to undisclosed destinations, where they could be tortured without all the hassle of... no, wrong again....

"Oh, fuck it. Look: last year, we foiled a terr'rist attempt. And like I said in the case of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, the Iraq-Al Qaeda link, and that whole spiel about uranium in Niger: Trust me. I must be right, 'cos God told me so.

"Yeeha! Hallelujah! And God bless America..."

(end of link)