Saved From The Skip

Good morning, and welcome to Central Intelligence Airways: the only airline in the world to offer one-way trips to Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan, and now also various parts of Eastern Europe... absolutely free.

Here at CIA, we constantly strive to offer our clients a unique and unforgettable inboard flight experience. This is why we are particularly pissed off that news of our secret European flight service has been leaked to the international media... which will naturally be bombed in due course.

However, now that the cat is out of the bag, we may as well elaborate on the details of our once-in-a-lifetime experience.

CIA is pleased to be able to offer a new and free transportation service to clients whom we suspect to be terrorists, to support terrorism or to have links with terrorist organisations.

As part of our new and totally free Eastern European service, CIA airways will pick you up from wherever you are, at any time of day or night, without any prior notice or warning. You will then be whisked away in the comfort of a luxury, spook-chauffeured limousine, complete with tinted-glass windows, to a top secret military airport. From there, you will be flown to an unnamed destination for an all-inclusive sojourn at one of our airline's many secret holiday detention centres... all expenses paid. (Includes bed, breakfast and BSDM.)

To safeguard your personal privacy, no one, not even your family, will be informed of your abduction and present whereabouts.

Extra security features
All CIA aircraft are specially designed for extra security. Apart from ordinary seat belts, we also provide our customers with wrist and ankle manacles in order to minimise the effects of air turbulence, thereby enhancing comfort for all our air hostages.

And while other planes feature sick bags stowed under the seat in front, on CIA flights, the bags are placed directly over your heads to save you the hassle of bending over to pick them up for yourselves.

Oh, and there are no emergency exits on any part of the aircraft.

If you have any questions about any aspect of our service, please don't bother wasting your breath. We ask the questions, you provide the answers.

So relax, put your seats in an upright position, and thank you for flying Central Intelligence Airways: the world's flagitious airline...