The Skip's Chemical Weapons FAQ
Everything you ever wanted to know about chemical weapons but were afraid of getting nuked if you asked...
Q. What is a chemical weapon?
A. Any of a number of weapons using chemical agents banned under the international Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC) which came into force in April 1997. To place your own order, click here.
Q. What's the difference between a "chemical" and an "incendiary" weapon?
A. Simple. If it's used by a dictator or terrorist, it's "chemical". If it's used by Coalition forces, it's "incendiary".
Q. Are there any legitimate uses for chemical... sorry, incendiary weapons?
A. There are many reasons why the use of such weapons is perfectly legitimate in war. For instance, in the siege of Fallujah, officials claimed that white phosphorus was used for "illumination" purposes. In fact, eye-witnesses claimed that enemy insurgents were plainly visible as they emerged from their trenches and spiderholes engulfed in balls of flame...
According to the same source, white phosphorus was also used in Iraq "as a potent psychological weapon against the insurgents."
As you can imagine, the psychological effect of seeing your own skin melt, and your body burn to a crisp while your clothes remain intact, can be very devastating.
Q. What happens if you're caught using chemical weapons?
A. Depends on who you are, who you bought them from and what you used them for. For instance, if you're a brutal Middle Eastern dictator and you purchased your chemical weapons from a Western country, then you can feel free to use those weapons on your own population... on one condition.
You have to play ball with the country/ies from which you bought the weapons... forever.
The moment you cease to play ball with those countries, your use of chemical weapons will be deemed a crime, your country will be invaded and occupied, and you yourself will be deposed, tried and eventually condemned to death.
Q. What about the people who sold you the weapons?
A. They will continue selling weapons to your successor under the same conditions, naturally.
Q. And what if it's a Western country that's been caught using chemical weapons?
A. Ah. In that case, here are a few simple steps to follow:
1: Deny ever having used chemical weapons, anywhere.
2: (When the evidence to the contrary becomes incontrovertible) Admit to having used them, but only "sparingly", and even then, for purely "legitimate" purposes (see above).
3: Blame your advisors for having given you faulty information, and sack your head of intelligence.
4: Remind everyone that your country is not, nor ever has been, signatory to the convention which banned use of such weapons in the first place.
5: Tell everyone to stop moaning and to keep in mind that the real baddies are the ones who are part of an Axis of Evil plotting to destroy democracy and blow up the Queen.
6: (If all else fails) Napalm the nosey sons-of-bitches.
Q. What is a chemical weapon?
A. Any of a number of weapons using chemical agents banned under the international Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC) which came into force in April 1997. To place your own order, click here.
Q. What's the difference between a "chemical" and an "incendiary" weapon?
A. Simple. If it's used by a dictator or terrorist, it's "chemical". If it's used by Coalition forces, it's "incendiary".
Q. Are there any legitimate uses for chemical... sorry, incendiary weapons?
A. There are many reasons why the use of such weapons is perfectly legitimate in war. For instance, in the siege of Fallujah, officials claimed that white phosphorus was used for "illumination" purposes. In fact, eye-witnesses claimed that enemy insurgents were plainly visible as they emerged from their trenches and spiderholes engulfed in balls of flame...
According to the same source, white phosphorus was also used in Iraq "as a potent psychological weapon against the insurgents."
As you can imagine, the psychological effect of seeing your own skin melt, and your body burn to a crisp while your clothes remain intact, can be very devastating.
Q. What happens if you're caught using chemical weapons?
A. Depends on who you are, who you bought them from and what you used them for. For instance, if you're a brutal Middle Eastern dictator and you purchased your chemical weapons from a Western country, then you can feel free to use those weapons on your own population... on one condition.
You have to play ball with the country/ies from which you bought the weapons... forever.
The moment you cease to play ball with those countries, your use of chemical weapons will be deemed a crime, your country will be invaded and occupied, and you yourself will be deposed, tried and eventually condemned to death.
Q. What about the people who sold you the weapons?
A. They will continue selling weapons to your successor under the same conditions, naturally.
Q. And what if it's a Western country that's been caught using chemical weapons?
A. Ah. In that case, here are a few simple steps to follow:
1: Deny ever having used chemical weapons, anywhere.
2: (When the evidence to the contrary becomes incontrovertible) Admit to having used them, but only "sparingly", and even then, for purely "legitimate" purposes (see above).
3: Blame your advisors for having given you faulty information, and sack your head of intelligence.
4: Remind everyone that your country is not, nor ever has been, signatory to the convention which banned use of such weapons in the first place.
5: Tell everyone to stop moaning and to keep in mind that the real baddies are the ones who are part of an Axis of Evil plotting to destroy democracy and blow up the Queen.
6: (If all else fails) Napalm the nosey sons-of-bitches.
