Saved From The Skip

The other day I was walking in the direction of Cardiff Central Station, when, lo and behold! A man (from Nigeria, I later found out) stepped out of nowhere, armed with a megaphone in one hand and a Bible in the other.

Before I knew what was happening, he was right in my face, roaring at me through his megaphone like an Alcoholic Prophet of Doom.

"I AM THE RESURRECTION!", he roared.

"...AND I AM THE LIGHT!", he roared again.

Naturally, I was profoundly shocked that someone could so brazenly insult my religion in this way. So I spoke unto him thus:

"Fie, for shame! How dare you quote The Stone Roses so freely? Have ye no respect (not even just a little bit)? And besides: know ye not the Ten Commandments? As in, 'I Am John Squire Thy Guitarist, Thou Shalt Have No False Guitarists Before Me'? Or, 'Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of Ian Brown In Vain'? Now apologise instantly for this offence, or, like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, I shall wreak my vengeance upon thee!"

But the man did nothing of the kind. Instead, he simply roared again:

"REPENT" (he roared again) "FOR THE END IS NIGH!"

Now, this was way, way too much. I mean, quoting The Stone Roses out of context is one thing. But Jim Morisson? At a train station? And out of tune, too?

And so, touched by Divine Fury, and salivating righteous saliva, I immediately proceeded to the nearest flag shop (for fairly obvious reasons, there is one right outside the Millennium Stadium) and purchased a highly flammable Nigerian flag for the sum of £7.50, including VAT.

I then set up camp outside the Nigerian embassy, and after duly setting the flag alight, I demanded that the government of Nigeria apologise without delay for this intolerable offence to my musical sensitivity.

And until such apology is forthcoming, I shall be boycotting Nigerian goods, and rioting in various parts of the city (starting with a pub early next Friday evening: most likely The Pen and Wig, as beer there is cheap, and rioters generally welcome.)

Meanwhile, all similarly offended music lovers are invited to join my crusade by staging simultaneous protests and riots in their own countries. Will keep you all posted...