Saved From The Skip

From our science correspondent, Italo Dobull

Ever paused to wonder where we all came from? Why we're all here? And why you only get 16 cigarettes in a pack of 20 when you buy it from a machine?
Well, I have, and after decades of research and deep thought, I think I can finally answer all these questions:
We came here free with a packet of breakfast cereal.
We're still here because we haven't figured out a way to go anywhere else.
And you only get 16 cigarettes because the machine takes out four from each pack so it can have a quiet smoke on its own after the lights go out.

Prove it, did you say? Ah. That's another matter altogether. And guess what? It just got a whole lot more complicated, too.

You see, science was never an easy subject. Ask Galileo Galilei. All he said was that the "earth travels around the sun" (like, gee...) and look what happened to him. They cut off his bollocks and dropped them from the tower of Pisa, to see which one would hit the ground first.

Then there was Albert Einstein. He had only just formulated his General Theory of Relativity, when, according to theory, was killed by his relative, a General.

But you know how things work. Just because science is, by definition, difficult, that's no reason why we shouldn't invent even more difficult definitions to add to the difficulty.
Which brings me to Kansas, a place in the USA where buffalo once roamed, and bull now abounds. (And where, I might add, the world really is flat... and I know because I've driven through it.)

Earlier this week, the Kansas State Board of Education took the brave new decision to "redefine" science. Not, mind you, that the laws of science work any different in Kansas than anywhere else (unless, that is, you count a certain bar in Wichita... in which it appears that liquids flow upwards instead of downwards, thus defying gravity and forcing patrons to stand on their heads while drinking...) No. It's just that, well, they're worded different, that's all.

According to the traditional definition, science is "the human activity of seeking natural explanations for what we observe in the world around us."
According to Kansas State Board of Education, science is now "a systematic method of continuing investigation that uses observation, hypothesis testing, measurement, experimentation, logical argument and theory building to lead to more adequate explanations of natural phenomena."

Bigus dickus, you might be thinking. What’s the big deal? Oh, nothing much. Just that the former definition suggests that natural explanations arise from simple observation. The latter, on the hand, suggests that observation, along with a whole series of other factors, can be used to lend weight to existing theories which do not arise from simple observation at all.

Hence the trouble: you see, this is the same Kansas State Board of Education that has for years been trying to wipe the Theory of Evolution off the school curriculum, so that kids can be taught "the truth" about the universe. I.e., that it is actually only 5,000 years old, and that it was created in seven days by a bloke called God.

Which, for all I know, might even be true. After all, there are stranger theories to account for the origins of life, the universe and everything. According to Douglas Adams, for instance, the Jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure. (However, this does not answer the immediate question: whose nose was the Great Green Arkleseizure sneezed out of in the first place?)

And there are even loopier ones, too. That the universe is actually an artificial matrix created to shield us from the nasty truth that we have been taken over by nano-machines. That the human race is actually a computer virus. That God is actually Keanu Reeves. Or that we really did come free with a packet of breakfast cereal.

So like I said, science just got a whole lot more complicated. Enjoy the ride.