Saved From The Skip

Anti-war campaigners are beginning to worry that the “Let’s All Bash Bush Bandwagon” might not be big enough for the millions of people worldwide who seem to have suddenly realised that it might not have been such a good idea to invade Iraq after all.
A US poll published yesterday revealed that up to two-thirds of Americans now disagree with the Iraq war. Which raises an immediate question. Guys… what took you all so long?
But never mind. There may still be people out there who have yet to make up their minds. So to help you with this choice, here is Saved From the Skip’s exclusive guide on "How To Adopt A Win-Win Position On The Iraq War" – tried and tested by a number of leading politicians, including John Kerry and Bill Clinton.
So what are you waiting for? Find out how you, too, can change your opinion depending on what suits you most at any given time… starting with Day One: the decision to go to war.

Step 1. Give the decision your tacit support
Don’t worry, you can always change your mind later. Even Clinton, who now calls the war a “big mistake”, was originally in favour way back in 2003 (i.e., when his support actually mattered). So was Democratic representative John Murtha. In fact, he even voted to go to war... though you might be forgiven for thinking otherwise, considering he now describes the whole thing as a “flawed policy”, and even advocates a total pull-out, asap. And what about Silvio Berlusconi? (Not that we’re picking on him here at the Skip, or anything like that…) He was one of the original Coalition partners, per carita’. Now that an election is five months away, off he goes claiming he was against the idea all along, and that he even tried to dissuade the US president in private…

Step 2. Keep quiet for two years, and wait and see how things develop.
Don’t go shooting your mouth off too quickly. You never know, the war might turn out swimmingly in the end. Keep your ear to the ground, and wait for the critical moment to strike.

For instance: If things go really well…
…like, if Iraqi children line the streets after the fall of Saddam, laying garlands at the feet of heroic US liberators as they march triumphantly into the city;
… if stockpiles upon stockpiles of WMD fall out of every cupboard, and turn up under every bed;
… if Star Spangled Banners are hoisted, together with flags of the Democratic Republic of Shiny Happy Iraqi People, over the skyline of a freshly rebuilt Baghdad;
…if Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds all forget their differences, embrace each other lovingly, and dance hand in hand by the light of the moon;
… and above all, if nice, juicy reconstruction contracts start raining like confetti all over the Western world…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 3: Outhawk the hawks
Make public declarations in praise of this great victory for Democracy and against the forces of Evil, never missing an opportunity to remind everyone how you had always given your wholehearted and unwavering support for this noble mission; how proud you are of this Great Nation; how you never once doubted that good old George would pull it off in the end, etc., etc.
(Note: vomit bags are stowed under your seat)

If, on the other hand, things go rather shittily…
… like, for instance, if ungrateful insurgents insist on raining all over your parade by refusing to simply bow down and accept your military occupation of their country;
… if the weapons of mass destruction turn out to be the figment of a mass delusion;
… if more and more evidence comes to light suggesting that the entire case for war was crafted upon, at best a mistake, at worst, a downright lie;
… If the international press is suddenly awash with images of US soldiers abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib;
… If allegations suddenly surface that Coalition forces have themselves used chemical weapons, at a time when Saddam Hussein is on trial for his life for doing pretty much the same thing (and worse, if Coalition forces are obliged to admit that they had lied about it earlier)
… If both Republicans and Democrats back home suddenly join forces in a bid to end this madness once and for all;
… and above all, if things start looking pretty bleak for Bush & Co. after a whole series of administrative cock-ups and errors of judgement, from Hurricane Katrina to Hurricane Miers…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 4. Exterminate the brutes
Come out strongly and unequivocally against these stupid Republicans; criticise their administration and every aspect of their handling of this entire fiasco; choke back your tears as you loudly remonstrate how you had always been against this tomfoolery, and had tried to talk sense into those warmongering morons from day one… and above all, get cracking on your Senate and Congress election campaign as quickly as possible!

Long live Consistency, Amen.