Saved From The Skip

It was another dramatic day in Baghdad’s Green Zone, as the former Iraqi dictator took the witness stand to complain about his incarceration.

According to the former dictator, the conditions at the secret jail where he is currently held are “appallingly good.”

“The standards of prisoner treatment in Iraq have improved alarmingly since the days of the Republican Guard,” Saddam complained. “You all heard the previous witnesses. Electric shocks. Pistol beatings. Torture and humiliation. Ah! Those were the days, when Sunnis were Sunnis, Shias were Shi’ite, and prisoners were the scum of the earth who could be terminated at will. Today? Criminals – yes, even brutal, homicidal dictators like myself - are free to read books, to walk around in their favourite Y-fronts, and even to do their own laundry. Pathetic, that’s what I call it…”

But the bulk of Saddam’s ire was reserved for the court proceedings themselves.

“In the good old days, I would have been simply executed without trial,” sighed Saddam. “None of this airy-fairy, ansy-pansy, equal-justice-for-all democratic bullshit. But now look at what’s happened. Instead of being unceremoniously shot against a wall, I am given every opportunity to speak in my own defence. I am even allowed to be represented by lawyers, and to disrupt proceedings by shouting out of turn, or telling the judge to go to Hell. I mean, where has all the discipline gone? What is this country coming to?”

Addressing the judge directly, Saddam claimed that he would boycott the trial unless he was meted harsher treatment with immediate effect.

“The Americans have made you soft,” he thundered. “You have no more cojones. I will not attend this trial until, at the very least, I am blindfolded 24 hours a day, suspended upside down and subjected to beatings, sleep deprivation and electric shock treatment. So there, too!”

The case continues…