Saved From The Skip

"In a faraway galaxy, long, long ago,
An Evil Empire once started to grow.

It aimed to spread terror, disturbance and fear,
And above all, to market its own shitty beer.

So pubs the world over would sell the same crap:
In bottles, in cans, and also on tap..."

Excerpt from The Tibetan Book of Shitty Lager, by Dow Nin Wan (the original Zulu Warrior)


Make no mistake, from those humble origins, Shitty Lager Incorporated (TM) is now a major global international conspiracy aimed at conquering all the world's beer markets without exception.

If successful, it may not only run many decent home breweries out of business, but it may even pose a serious threat the Universal Declaration of Alcoholics' Rights (1947), which plainly states that "All lager-louts and beer-drinkers the world over have a God-given right to a reasonable selection of beers, served chilled in a clean glass, and with an appropriate portion of salted peanuts on the side."

But as we speak, independent breweries are slowly but surely being bought out by Shitty Lagers Incorporated, so that very soon, from L.A to Wellington NZ, all that will be available in pubs and bars would be a watery, urine-like yellowy liquid, topped with tooth-paste textured froth, attempting to pass itself off as real beer.

However, connoisseurs of shitty lager will immediately recognise it for what it is: Pissner, an ammonia-based substance virtually indistinguishable from the form it takes as it leaves the human body some 15 seconds after consumption.

So far, Shitty Lager Incorporated has already added the following renowned beers to its international shitty portfolio:

1. Bud-Sheisser
2. Oranjepoop
3. Cruzcagado
4. Heinyken (probably the piss lager in the world)
5. Arseberg (they only said 'probably')
6. Kronenturd
7. Ass Pale Ale
8. Stool Artois (Belgian Wipe Lager)
and, of course,
9. Cisk Lager in The Can.

Here at the Skip we will regularly publish updates as more and more decent beers fall victim to this plague on the global alcoholism industry.

Until then, Good Night, Good Luck and Vive la Resistance!