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British foreign minister Jack Straw (left) has described the idea that the President of the United States may be planning a nuclear strike on Iran as "completely nuts".

Well, Jack Straw is 100 per cent correct.

The idea IS completely nuts.

But then, so is the President of the United States. So go figure...

Anyhow, in case you had any doubts about the nuttiness of your own President, here are a few tell-tale signs to look out for (compiled from the best-selling authoritative reference book, Nut Screws Washers And Bolts: How To Tell If The Leader Of Your Country Is A Couple Of Screws Short Of A Porno, by Professor Loupe E. De Loupe - order your own copy NOW!)

1) NUCLEAR NUTS. If your President decides that the best way to prevent another country from using nuclear weapons is to use his own nuclear weapons first, then the chances are he is completely nuts.

2) DEMOCRATIC NUTS. If your President claims that he wants to "democratise the Middle East", but then cuts off all diplomatic ties with a Middle Eastern nation the moment it freely and democratically elects a government he doesn't like, then he's probably completely nuts.

3) CHEMICAL NUTS. If your President tries to justify the invasion of a country on the grounds that its leader had used banned chemical weapons, and it later transpires that his own forces also used banned chemical weapons in the invasion of that country, he just might be completely nuts.

4) CRONYISM NUTS. If your President tries to appoint his own former attorney to the Supreme Court, and then claims he can't understand why everyone's making such a fuss about it, then there's a remote possibility that he might be completely nuts.

and finally,

5) PLAIN OLD "NUTS" NUTS. If your President admits during a televised interview that he talks to a life-size portrait of his mother every day, when his mother is alive, well and perfectly contactable by telephone, then you can rest assured that the President in question is completely nuts.

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