Saved From The Skip

"Is it a beard? Is it a plane..?"

Ever since anti-terror legislation formally outlawed facial hair in the UK, I have been accosted by an increasing number of total strangers in bars and pubs, most of whom are curious to know whether the hair on my face is real, or just a stag party costume accessory which also came with a horned helmet and shield.

Most often this happens immediately after one's beard mysteriously makes contact with the rich, creamy froth of one's pint of Rev. James, creating an impression of archaic wisdom, impaired co-ordination, quixotic stoogery and geriatric complacence, all magnificently rolled into one.

On these occasions, I am often asked positively ludicrous questions, such as: how long have you had your beard? (To which the answer, of course, is "7mm".) How long did it take for all the bald patches to converge? (They don't always: if you look closely, you will see still a single, distinct, hairless oasis of skin in the middle of both my cheeks.) And... doesn't it itch after a while? (Well, of course it does. Why else do you think I have to keep dipping it in beer all the time?)

Besides: to no avail do I inform my quintessentially hairless interrogators that beards are nothing but a perfectly natural consequence of failure to ever shave one's face. And that they, too, could have facial hair like mine, if they just threw away their razors and shaving foam, grew a pair of testicles, and switched from shitty lager to a real man's drink... like proper ale, or dark rum and engine oil.

But no, they reply. British people are genetically incapable of growing beards. And even if they could, they would automatically be considered Moslems by the rest of the community, and therefore never invited to join the Sunday school choir again.

To which all I can say is: too beard...

"Sono stato eletto?! Ma che cazzo stai dicendo, Prodi...?!?!!"

Update: So let me see if I've got this right: With 19,000 votes, Arnold managed to get elected to parliament in a country of 58 million people. But with 24,000 votes in a country of just 390,000, he failed to get elected to the European Parliament. Am I missing something here?

Sectarian violence, or full blown squirrel war? Saved From The Skip looks at the Red Squirrel insurgency against Grey Squirrel occupation, currently raging in a forest near you

How many squirrels must die before a nation acknowledges it is in a squirrel war? For years now, the British government has been hammering the message that the squirrel situation is under control. But ever since over 70 grey squirrels were killed in a bloody attack on a Northumberland drey in February, people have started questioning the true nature of the conflict.

Last week, the UK Minister for Complete Nuts, Jack Straw, admitted that there is a "high level of slaughter" among squirrels of different ethnic backgrounds. However, he rejected claims that the situation has descended into total squirrel war.

"We are talking serious sectarian squirrel violence, certainly," he told the BBC, "But I firmly believe the situation will be brought under control when we have a National Nutty Government representing all the different squirrel factions."

But not everyone is convinced. "The Red Squirrel is currently facing extinction as a result of the Greys' pre-emptive strike policy," claimed a spokes-rodent for the War is Nuts Coalition, which is calling for a total withdrawal of all Grey Squirrel troops.

Better Red than Dead
Tensions between the two species have long been festering in the quiet woodlands of the United Kingdom. The Red Squirrel (sciurus cool brittanicus) originally migrated to the UK during the last Ice Age: (i.e., before the strict rodent immigration policies introduced by Margaret Thatcher in the early 1980s.) In many respects, it is an embodiment of what Donald Rumsfeld would describe as 'Old Europe': timid, peaceful, rarely seen and never heard, with a tendency to mind its own business and to stubbornly refuse to interfere in other creatures' conflicts.

Occasionally, this behaviour has earned the Red Squirrel international criticism (such as, when it failed to take any action to prevent a suspected field-vole massacre right on its doorstep). But the bushy-tailed tree-dweller is generally respected as a force for peace and stability in the countryside.

The Grey Squirrel (sciurus yanqi doodle-dus), on the other hand, is originally from the United States, and unlike its British cousin tends to adopt a shoot first, ask questions later attitude. Bolder by far than their European counterparts, Grey Squirrels are often known to ransack garbage in people's back yards. Occasionally, they will organise sorties into urban areas in search of loot and plunder. (Once, a renegade unit of under the command of Kernel Kurtz succeeded in commandeering a British army tank, and even tried to invade London. But that, my droogs, is another story...)

"We came, we saw, we conkered"
The Grey Squirrel originally invaded the UK in the late 19th century. As was widely expected, the military operation was swiftly and successful, with the Red Squirrel Guard capitulating in less than a month. However, few predicted that this would be the start of a 100-year occupation, characterised by violent sectarian clashes and regular terrorist treetop attacks. (And those few were in any case widely regarded as "communists", "anarchists", "terrorist sympathisers", or - worse still - "liberal intellectuals", and were consequently rounded up and shipped off to a secret extra-territorial prison somewhere in the Caribbean.)

Officially, the reason for the invasion was "national security". The Red Squirrels were at the time rumoured to be developing their own nutty technology for peaceful purposes. However, the Greys always suspected that the facilities were actually a cover-up for a secret weapons programme which would enable the Reds to build their own Acorn Bomb... something which went against every proviso of the Nutty Proliferation Treaty (which explicitly stated that only the Grey Squirrels and their Allies were allowed to have and use Nutty Weapons).

Naturally, the fact that Britain also possessed the third largest reserves of oak in the world had nothing to do it whatsoever. And if the Interim Coalition Rulers awarded all the forest management and re-plantation contracts to Grey Squirrel companies, well, that was just a coincidence.

Meanwhile, because of mounting security problems, the presence of Grey Squirrel forces in the country have been steadily increasing until they are now past the 2.5 million mark. The Red Squirrel population, on the other hand, has dwindled to less than 160,000, causing scientists to fear that the original nutty inhabitant of the British isles may be extinct in 20 years' time.