Saved From The Skip

Answer: A civil war is only a civil war if it takes place in countries like Somalia, Algeria or Lebanon.
If, on the other hand, it takes place in Iraq, then it is not a civil war, but simply "sectarian violence".

Hello.
My name is Charles.
Prince Charles.
And I’m a dissident.

Actually, I’m not all sure what that word means, but it sounds so terribly exciting that I thought I’d include it in my top secret diary… you know, the one I circulated to all my friends on condition they wouldn’t publish any of it.

But back to dissidents. You read about them all the time in the newspapers (those horrid things). They’re the ones who go around protesting about issues: burning McDonalds restaurants in Paris, throwing eggs at the Prime Minister, climbing Mount Everest dressed as Batman, getting shot against a wall in China (that horrid place), etc., etc.

Of course, the trouble with being a dissident is that every now and again you have to actually dissent. (I’ve just looked that word up in my pocket dictionary. It means “disagree”.)

On paper, that’s perfectly OK. There are loads of things with which I disagree. Global warming, the Chinese invasion of Tibet, the existence of the free and independent media in Britain... and that annoying little grammatical rule about never ending sentences with prepositions. (That is something with which I especially disagree.)

But the thing is, if I had to actually speak out on any of the issues with which I disagree, then the Government could quite easily decide that the Monarchy is something with which it disgrees…And that’s it. I’d be out of a job. Now what kind of dissident would I be if were just an ordinary, boring old fart like everybody else?

So that’s why I keep a secret diary... so I can secretly dissent about the things with which I disagree. (Terribly clever of me, I know.)

Sometimes, however, I disagree with things so much that I accidentally let slip that I’m a dissident, on occasions when I’m supposed to be an assident. (That word, by the way, means “someone who assents”. It isn’t my pocket dictionary, though… must remember to have the editor shot against a wall at the earliest opportunity.)

One occasion when I publicly disagreed (and said so, too) was during the Hong Kong handover in 1997. It was terribly naughty of me, especially when I didn’t show up to a banquet organised by the Chinese (those appalling old waxworks).

You should have seen their faces. God, how I laughed! But mummy was terribly cross: in fact, she even threatened to cut off my pocket money.

So as you can see, dissenting can be quite dangerous.

One other domestic issue with which I publicly disagreed was the fox hunting ban. This was something about which I felt terribly strongly. (I mean, what are the poor foxes going to do on the weekend, if they can no longer be torn to pieces by a pack of dogs?)

But in the end, I didn’t even have to dissent too much. After all, the law only banned hunting with dogs. It didn’t say anything about hunting with tigers… (which is more fun anyway, because if you don’t catch any foxes, you can always feed them a few peasants...)

Right, that’s it from me for now. Tally ho!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a drunk Maltese git in a pub!

Well, this is an announcement for all you other Maltese gits out there in the blogosphere.

New blog on offer over here. And don't say I didn't warn you...

You know something's wrong with your war on terror when you have to ask a fictitious superhero in a bat-winged leotard for help.
Saved From The Skip catches up with DC Comics' Batman - who will be "kicking Al Qaeda's ass" in the next Frank Miller comic book Holy Terror, Batman! - to ask him a couple of questions. (Like: what took you so long?)

Batman: why did you wait four whole years after September 11 to get involved in the war on terror?
Well, I thought I'd leave my sidekick, George the Boy Wonder, in charge of things while I hung upside-down in my batcave and got a little hard-earned rest. (I've being doing this kind of thing since 1939, you know) But when I saw how badly George screwed things up with Osama, I just had to get the old costume out and give it a good dusting...

It has been remarked that you and George "Wonder" Bush are quite similar in character. Do you agree?
George and I have much the same philosophy when it comes to dealing with baddies. There's no beating about the bush (if you'll excuse the pun). Things are either black or white. Good or evil. Us or them. And if you're not with us, then it's Biff! Sock! Bam! Kapow! You can work the rest out for yourself.
Besides: read my old comic books. Did I ever turn to the UN for a second resolution before swinging in and taking a little unilateral action? Heck, no. I always went straight for the pre-emptive strike, and I don't remember anyone ever complaining too much.

Yes, but how can you tell the good guys from the bad guys?
Easy. It's all in the way they're drawn. The good guys are always clean-cut, innocent by-standers, single mothers with pushchairs, etc. The bad guys are unshaven, wear berets and eye-masks, and carry bags with the word "SWAG" written in big letters. You really can't go wrong. But nowadays, you get these liberal anarchist pansy philosophers like Noam Chomsky, trying to confuse people into thinking that good might be bad, and bad might be good, and all that crap. Honestly, if I lay my hands on him there'll a few Biffs on this page...

Tell us about your alter-ego, Bruce Wayne.
Bruce is one of the reasons George and I always got on so well (apart from the fact that we're both comical characters, of course.) For while Clark Kent was a struggling journalist for the Daily Planet, and Peter Parker was (no offence or anything) a total nerd, Bruce was a reclusive millionaire whose family had made its fortune by speculating in Gotham real estate. I guess that makes me part of The Elite, what George would call his "home base"...

What do you think of modern day cartoons? Why has no one else in Toonland gone after Osama?
If you ask me, they've all gone soft. Go back 60 years or so, and it was a different ball game. It wasn't just me, Superman and Captain America who were whacking Adolf Hitler and the Japs. Oh, no. Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, heck, even The Three Little Pigs had a go. Today? You've got Homer Simpson slouching on a sofa guzzling beer all day long, and Carter going around swearing his head off. And don't even get me started on the Power Puff Girls....

How do you rate Osama Bin Laden as a batvillain?
Personally, I think he's a little unrealistically drawn. Think about it: all the classic supervillains had their immediately recognisable visual traits. The Joker had his green hair and his mad grin; The Penguin, his top hat and monocle; Catwoman, a tight-fitting leather outfit and those... well, never mind. Osama? He's got a four-foot beard, a turban, a military jacket and a Kalashnikov permanently slung over his shoulder. Way, way too much... just goes to show how modern cartoonists don't know when enough is enough.
Having said that, his background story fits the usual formula to a T. Most of the classic superhero nemeses were actually by-products of failed top-secret military or scientific experiments. Osama is no exception. It is widely known that he was created as part of a top secret CIA operation to fight the Russians in Afghanistan. And then, after the war was over, they simply forgot about him and let him plot his revenge from the Tora Bora caves with the rest of the muhajeddin. Classic Marvel Comics stuff. And in true supervillain fashion, his whereabouts remain a mystery to this day. Some say he's hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. Some say he's in Pakistan, Morocco, Kenya, the USA... some even think he's dead.

Thanks, Batman. One last question: now that gay partnerships have become legal in the UK, when will you and Robin be tying the...

In his first public comment about the Vice President's hunting accident last Saturday, President Bush has praised Dick Cheney for his handling of the mishap.

"I'm satisfied with the way Dick handled that tricky situation," said Mr Bush at a White House press briefing this evening.

"He was only applying the usual US policy of pre-emptive strike in the face of possible threat. After all, there was always the danger that Mr Whittington might have accidentally shot Dick before Dick accidentally shot Mr Whittington. In these circumstances the important thing is to accidentally shoot first, and to ask questions later."

Bush also had words of praise for Dick Cheney's skills with a rifle.

"Let's face it: if you're going to shoot your friend by mistake, you may as well do it properly. A lesser marksman would have accidentally shot him in the leg, or the arm. Not our Dick. Goes straight for the face, neck and chest, like they teach you in the Armed Forces. That's my Vice President..."

As it is, Mr Bush's only complaint was that the general public was informed about the accident "too quickly."

"In fact, I don't understand why we bothered informing the nation at all. We could have just sent in a couple of CIA spooks, eliminated any witnesses, erased the ranch owner's memory and wipe out all records of the incident, just like the good old days. But oh, well, it's too late now..."

"Simple. So that the Iraqi people can have the privilege of being tortured, humiliated and abused in the comfort of a brand new building."

It's official. David Cameron (pictured above during a photoshoot for Sexy MPs: The Lady's Magazine) will be withdrawing his Conservative Party from the EPP-ED because it's "just not sexy enough" for his image.

Cameron, who was voted 92 in a poll of the 100 sexiest men on the planet, believes that his association with the straight-laced, grey-suited and somewhat po-faced Christian Democrats in the European Parliament may have cost him several precious sex-appeal points in the contest, resulting in such comparative wusses as Leonardo Di Caprio and Brad Pitt beating him in the sexy stakes.

"I've been trying to impress upon my European partners the need to move away from their traditional Argyll socks, paisley ties and silver monocles", he said in an exclusive interview with Saved From The Skip. "But there's no point, they clearly lack the vision to truly appreciate the value of style in today's politics."

The British Conservatives are expected to pull out of the EPP-ED later this month, and take up their natural seats on the sexy side of the house, alongside Illona Staller (aka Cicciolina), Baby Pozzi, Dolly Buster (below), and, naturally, Alessandra Mussolini.