Saved From The Skip

Attention, please. Saved From The Skip will be taking a short break for reasons of stock-taking and brief incarceration. Will be back asap...

Voters in Iraq today complained that the nation is facing its worst toilet paper crisis since the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003.

As these disturbing images show, thousands emerged today to vote in the current elections, but also to protest against this sordid state of affairs by holding up graphic evidence of the incovenience this shortage has caused.

"Don't get me wrong, I know that things were bad under Saddam", one voter complained, "It's true that we couldn't vote, but at least we could wipe..."

Exclusive! Saved From The Skip has acquired unique video evidence depicting the decidedly doggy state in which the White House currently finds itself. (Click picture or here to watch video)

Cunningly disguised as a short charity Christmas film entitled A Very Beazley Christmas, the candid shots of daily life among the Bushes offer numerous insights into the US government's general lack of direction, providing a global explanation for much that is wrong with the state of the world right now.

In the video, numerous top ranking Bush administration officials are witnessed in highly compromising positions, and making staggering admissions of the administration's cluelessness. For instance: Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez is clearly overheard discussing US economic policy with, of all things, a nine-month-old puppy: a fact which makes perfect sense, but only when you consider that his alternative was to discuss it with George W. Bush.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Katryna refugees now have the answer to their questions about delays in restoring normality to their stricken city. It seems that US Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Alphonso Jackson, is too busy advising Barney on his popularity ratings to bother with the redevelopment of New Orleans.

And in case you were wondering why economic recovery has been slower than usual this year, well, check out the speed at which Treasury Secretary John Snow talks. You can almost hear those rusty cog-wheels as they gradually grind to a total halt...

But the footage also speaks volumes about the state of the American media, which continues to pander to a national taste for frivolity while allowing the US government to get away with stoogery.

Nancy O'Dell leads the pack with a typically fluffy feature about All The President's Scottish Terriers: riveting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree, compared to those all boring stories about White House scandals, more White House scandals, still more White House scandals... not to mention repetitive scenes of death, disaster and devastation in war-torn Iraq.

Predictably, she is joined by media heavyweights such as Steve Scully and George Stephanopoulis, who, like faithful media poodles, dutifully do their bit in the ongoing charade. (After all, the job of a journalist is to sniff out real stories, which can be difficult and dangerous. Sniffing presidential butt around the White House, on the other hand, is "easy as ABC"...)

However, doubts have since been raised about the video's authenticity.
"We're not at all convinced," explains the Skip's resident expert in doggy videos. "For one thing, Bush is captured on film speaking for almost a full minute, without stuttering, pausing, getting his lines wrong or making even a single grammatical error. Besides: at one point he sends the two dogs out of his office because 'he has a lot of work to do'. George Bush? Work? Come on... This is plainly ridiculous, as can be verified by a simple glance at the state of the world today."

But others are just as convinced that the video is the real McCoy: "Think about it", says one observer. "the credits at the end of the film are presented 'in alphabetical order'. And yet, 'President Bush' comes before 'Mrs Bush'. Who, but an utterly idiotic and illiterate administration, could possibly claim that 'P' comes before 'M' in an alphabetical list...?"

Meanwhile, the CIA is investigating the video to ascertain whether Willie, the black cat seen fleetingly towards the end, is in fact none other than the dreaded Al Qatusa terrorist, Wi'il Al-Qoyoti: suspected of repeatly trying to assassinate Road Runner using Acme terrorist bombs...

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Here at CIA, we constantly strive to offer our clients a unique and unforgettable inboard flight experience. This is why we are particularly pissed off that news of our secret European flight service has been leaked to the international media... which will naturally be bombed in due course.

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CIA is pleased to be able to offer a new and free transportation service to clients whom we suspect to be terrorists, to support terrorism or to have links with terrorist organisations.

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It was another dramatic day in Baghdad’s Green Zone, as the former Iraqi dictator took the witness stand to complain about his incarceration.

According to the former dictator, the conditions at the secret jail where he is currently held are “appallingly good.”

“The standards of prisoner treatment in Iraq have improved alarmingly since the days of the Republican Guard,” Saddam complained. “You all heard the previous witnesses. Electric shocks. Pistol beatings. Torture and humiliation. Ah! Those were the days, when Sunnis were Sunnis, Shias were Shi’ite, and prisoners were the scum of the earth who could be terminated at will. Today? Criminals – yes, even brutal, homicidal dictators like myself - are free to read books, to walk around in their favourite Y-fronts, and even to do their own laundry. Pathetic, that’s what I call it…”

But the bulk of Saddam’s ire was reserved for the court proceedings themselves.

“In the good old days, I would have been simply executed without trial,” sighed Saddam. “None of this airy-fairy, ansy-pansy, equal-justice-for-all democratic bullshit. But now look at what’s happened. Instead of being unceremoniously shot against a wall, I am given every opportunity to speak in my own defence. I am even allowed to be represented by lawyers, and to disrupt proceedings by shouting out of turn, or telling the judge to go to Hell. I mean, where has all the discipline gone? What is this country coming to?”

Addressing the judge directly, Saddam claimed that he would boycott the trial unless he was meted harsher treatment with immediate effect.

“The Americans have made you soft,” he thundered. “You have no more cojones. I will not attend this trial until, at the very least, I am blindfolded 24 hours a day, suspended upside down and subjected to beatings, sleep deprivation and electric shock treatment. So there, too!”

The case continues…

In his first public statement as newly elected Tory leader, David Cameron surprised many by distancing himself and his party from Britain's most famous show puppet duo.

"I'm fed up with the Punch and Judy politics of Westminster: the name calling, backbiting, point scoring, finger pointing," said Cameron in his victory speech today. "I want and I will lead a Conservative party that when the government does the right thing, we will work with them, and when they do the wrong thing we will call them to account and criticise them."

This unexpected dismissal signals a whole new direction for the Conservatives, but also an uncertain future for the baton-wielding veteran of the puppet stage.

"To be honest, it's been coming a long time," sighs Punch, who found time in his hectic wife-beating schedule for a quick drink with the Skip. "If you ask me, it's all this bloody political correctness. First they tell me it's no longer acceptable to hit my wife across the head with a large stick. Then I get done for stealing Joey the Clown's sausages. And now, I'm no longer an official sponsor of the Conservative Party! Next thing you know, some bloody animal rights group will be campaigning for the release of old Croc here..."

Meanwhile, Cameron's public outing of Punch and Judy also came as a shock to many in the audience.

"This does not bode well for the future of our party," muttered one senior MP. "You see, the thing is, if we're no longer going to call our political opponents names, or point fingers at them, or score points over them... then the only alternative left would be for us to become a serious and credible Opposition party. In other words, we'd have to actually do some work. I mean, he can't possibly be serious..."

This feeling seems to be widespread among older, more traditional Tories, many of whom are beginning to suspect that Mr Cameron might really have been on drugs after all.

However, the young new leader has found an unexpected ally in his predecessor and former Prime Minister, Baroness Margaret Thatcher, who came out strongly in Mr Cameron's favour.

(Click on the picture for the original audio of Baroness Thatcher's exclusive comment to the Skip).

One unforeseen side-effect of the total smoking ban recently introduced in Ireland has been a sharp increase in sales of underarm deodorant, the Skip has learnt.

"Because the air in Irish pubs is so much cleaner these days, it is now possible to smell odours that until recently went undetected in the dense, smoky atmosphere," commented Ireland's leading olfactory expert, Dr Peter Heneghan (B.O.). "Besides, as a result of the new laws, people are now drinking less, and consequently tend to be sober enough to notice when others in the immediately vicinity stink to high heavens..."

Ireland is the only European country to have introduced a total smoking ban apart from Malta. It is not yet known whether Malta has experienced any similar side-effects. Our investigate top secret undercover Skip agent recently went there to find out, but promplty went missing in the island's heaving, throbbing bar culture. He was last seen lying unconscious under a car in a place called "Paceville."

Meanwhile, if you have any information of his present whereabouts, kindly keep it to yourself. We are a lot better off without him...

Christian allegory, or drug fuelled fantasy? Skip Cinema investigates Walt Disney's The Chronicles of Narkia, based on the novel by C(rack) S(mokin') Lewis


What is it with drugs and kids' films these days?
We'd only just seen that explicit "chasing the dragon" scene in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Free-Base.
And before that, there was Wallace and Vomit: Curse of the Bong-Bunny, with its unsubtle allusions to mind control, home-grown greenstuffs and the munchies.

And now this: The Chronicles of Narkia, a psychedelic fantasy adventure which uses "Christian allegory" to disguise its often outrageous indulgence in illicit substance imagery.

Or does it? Well, here is the basic plot, and you can decide for yourselves:

After a night of heavy binge drinking, four teenagers (Lucy, Susan, Dennis, and their cousin Edmund) accidentally open a door onto a fairy world permanently submerged in "snow" and "ice". There, they meet a White Witch named Jaydis (any resemblance to Kate Moss is purely coincidental), who spikes one of the kids' drinks, and goes around tranforming all her enemies into stoners.

And if that wasn't enough, there's also Philip the Horse, Mr and Mrs Beaner, a choice of Red or Black Dwarf... and, of course, Aslan the Line: who lies down on a stone table and allows himself to be snorted, so they can all live high ever after, The End.

Meanwhile, you can all start looking forward to six sequels in the coming years, including: The Silver Chaser, The Boy and his Horse, Prince Casper, The Voyage of the Downie Peddler and finally, The Last Bottle.

Enjoy.











Stoned as usual










Mr Tumnus and his magic "flute"

The former Iraqi Prime Minister, "Speedy" Iyad Allawi (right), will be representing his country in the forthcoming Political Olympics, to be held in Beijing in 2008.

The announcement was made soon after today's "heats" in the Shia town of Najaf, where Mr Allawi was forced to demonstrate his sprinting prowess while being chased out of the mosque with an angry, shoe-hurling mob in hot pursuit.

"Allawi was amazing, a natural born Olympic champion," one commentator commented. "Faster than a speeding Reebok, he outpaced all sorts of flying footwear to set a new land-speed record in the 100 metre hurtle ."

The incident was televised and broadcast across the globe, and showcased Mr Allawi's remarkable ability to accelerate in sudden, unexpected spurts.

This is an indispensable talent for any sprinter, and nobody knows this better than Allawi himself, who is currently running for Prime Minister in January's elections... as well as, occasionally, running for his life.

As a result of today's breathtaking performance, Allawi was unanimously chosen by the Iraqi Olympic Committee to contest the Andale Andale, Arriba Arriba Arriba! category... popularly known as "Armageddon outta here."

Meanwhile, other political athletes to look out for in the 2008 Olympics include:

Lord Goldsmith (UK), in the hotly contested "Media Gagging" category - traditionally the domain of countries such as China and the Myanmar Republic, but popular in the UK once more thanks to the "Official Secrets Act", and;

Bill Clinton (USA), in the "Poll Vaulting" category (otherwise known as "Jumping on the Bandwagon"): chosen after an impressive display of political opportunism, when, two years after supporting the American-led invasion of Iraq, he took one look at recent opinion polls, and said: "Hey! Did I ever mention the fact that I'm actually against the war?"

"Female chauvinist pigs"?... why not just "chauvinist sows"?

Rumours that British boy band Take That may reunite later this year have sparked fears of global depression and mass suicide of the kind last seen when they first split up in 1996.

"Many people think that all the panic and hysteria back then was down to disappointed, heart-broken and mostly female teenage fans," said Skip music correspondent, Elton Dick. "Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, older music lovers wordwide were concerned that, by splitting up, Take That would actually give rise to five, separate and equally lamentable solo careers instead of only one..."

So far, this fear has proved groundless, as only one of the original five, Robbie Wiliams, has actually done anything even remotely worth mentioning since Take That.

"So you can imagine the disappointment that will be felt across the world, when the original band returns to haunt the charts after nine blissful years..." concluded Dick.

Meanwhile, a hotline has been set up for depressed music lovers. If you're feeling suicidal, call 0800-BACK-FOR-GOOD.

"As God once said, and I think rightly…" Field Marshall Montgomery (1887 - 1976)


Is it my imagination, or is everyone getting kind of Biblical these days?
Yes, it's even affected us here at the Skip: God said this, God told me that. Pictures of God here, quotes by God there. God is on our side, In God we trust, God you've put on weight, Vote for God, and, most recently, The Naked Creator: More Recipes from God's Kitchen, etc., etc.

But why all this God stuff? Why now? How then? And who is this God person, anyway?
Of course, the answers to all these questions can be found in God's best-selling autobiography, How To Create The Universe In Seven Days And Influence People... commonly known as The Bible.
But who's got time to read these days? And what's the point in reading a long and (let's face it) incomprehensible book... when all you have to do is just talk to God Almighty in person, and get all the answers straight from the Heavenly Father's mouth?

Everyone's doing it these days. No, not just George - everyone. It's fast. It's free. And it's easy to use. Just log directly onto The Digital Divine: the Creator's very own online public relations agency, follow the instructions, and before you know it, you, too, will officially be on a mission from God.
So what are you waiting for? Subscribe to The Digital Divine today, and become the latest to enjoy a vast array of services tailor-made by an omniscient superior being to meet your very own, unique needs.
Recent packages include:

Insurgency 's Us
Among the more popular requests put to God these days is the instant extermination of all the enemies of one's faith.
Sadly, God no longer provides this service over the counter, as he used in the days of Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah. However, you can always ask for the next best thing: a do-it-yourself extermination kit, complete with instant Divine Justification for when you have to explain your actions afterwards.
Abu Musab Ar Zarqawi, Al Qaeda's man in Iraq, is believed to be a regular subscriber to this service. His most recent purchase resulted in the massacre of several innocents, after which he published the following statement: "God ordered us to attack the infidels by all means… even if armed infidels and unintended victims, women and children, are killed together…"

Murder, He Said
You don't have to be a psychopathic terrorist mass-murderer to avail yourself of this unique opportunity. Ordinary homicidal lunatics are equally welcome, too.
Feel like killing someone? Got a relative or two you want to bump off? Never fear: simply order the special "So God told Me To Kill Them All" option, and Gabriel's your uncle!
Among the long list of our certifiably satisfied clients are:
Jacques Robidoux of Massachussets, who claimed that "God instructed him" to starve his infant son to death in 1999;
Philip Badowsky, who used the same excuse after shooting both his parents and dismembering them with a chainsaw;
and Joseph Ganshert, who slaughtered his wife and children before committing suicide, leaving a note with the words: "God asked me to bring my family to heaven."

Politics and Home Cooking
Don't have the stomach for that kind of thing? Don't worry, not all God's services are violent. Ask television evangelist and part-time Republican propagandist, MG Pat Robertson ("MG" stands for "Mad about God", btw).
Pat has often contacted God for pre-electoral betting tips - the most recent instant being the last Presidential election: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk," Pat said after a late-night chat with God. "I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blow-out..."
However, Pat has only recently cottoned onto "God's Kitchen", and has already bagged the divine recipe for Age-Defying Protein Pancakes.
From there, it is but a short step for Pancake Pat to also master the Salvation Souffle, Transfiguration Tifle, and, of course, the top-secret Resurrection Recipe: last tasted, with dramatic effect, by Lazarus.

Relationship counselling
And finally, for a match made in heaven, contact "Paradise Partners": a divine dating agency guaranteed to give you heavenly results every time.
Among the more recent in our long list of satisfied customers is Destiny's Child star Michelle Williams, whom God advised to ditch her boyfriend earlier this year.
"I was close to marriage," she said in an interview with The Daily Disciple, "I prayed and said, 'God, you have to show me. If it ain't right, let me know'. All of a sudden, red flags started popping up…"
Michelle was thereby spared the destiny of a child in wedlock, and... more important... is now single once more. Praise the Lord!

(Note: the above use of Formula One communications methods is a recent innovation in God's mysterious ways, and has proved more efficient and cost-effective than the more traditional methods of thunder clap, voice from the Heavens, burning bush, pillar of salt, etc.)

It’s official: The Skip has finally seen the error of its ways, and now understands that the war in Iraq was utterly justified, and will help to make the world a better, safer place for all. And guess what? It’s all down to George's great speech yesterday. But here are the exact words of wisdom which convinced us:


“Our strategy in Iraq is clear. Our tactics are flexible and dynamic. We have changed them as conditions required…”

At last, the truth. Flexible tactics? Changing conditions? No kidding! The rules of engagement have become so flexible they can be bent to justify any action, so long as it's taken against "insurgents". And even the reason for going to war in the first place has time and again been changed according to circumstance. First it was "WMD". When it became obvious that none existed, it became "toppling a brutal dictator". Then it became "part of the global fight against terror". Then a plan to "democratise the Middle East". Then a "mission from God"...

“…and they are bringing us victory against a brutal enemy.”

Make no mistake: Saddam was brutal. He used chemical weapons. He had no respect for human rights. He allowed torture in Iraqi prisons. And he even went so far as to actively suppress the free press. So roll on, victory…


“…the terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their war against humanity. And so we must recognise Iraq as the central front in the war on terror.”

Quite right. Iraq is today the central front in the war on terror. George made sure of that himself, by dismantling its internal security infrastructure after the war, thereby allowing terrorists to infiltrate the country left, right and centre.
Naturally, the fact that Iraq was not the central front in the war on terror before the invasion - and had no known direct link with Al Qaeda, either - is completely irrelevant.

“As the Iraqi forces grow in number, they're helping to keep a better hold on the cities taken from the enemy. And as Iraqi forces grow more capable, they're increasingly taking the lead in the fight against the terrorists.”

Absolutely. Not only are Iraqi forces taking the lead in the fight against terrorists, but it seems they’re taking the lead in the insurgency, too. So hadn’t you better tell it to the Marines?

“Iraqi forces are earning the trust of their countrymen who are willing to help them in the fight against the enemy.”

Spot on again. Trouble is: which enemy? You see, according to a recent UK Ministry of Defence survey, 65 per cent of Iraqis in the Maysan province – 45 per cent across the entire country – believe “attacks on British troops are justified”; 82 per cent are “strongly opposed” to the presence of Coalition forces; 67 per cent feel less secure because of the occupation, and less than one per cent believe that the occupying forces have improved security in the country.
Just imagine what those statistics would be if the Coalition hadn’t won their hearts and minds…

"These decisions about troop levels will be driven by the conditions on the ground in Iraq and the good judgment of our commanders, not by artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington."

You tell them, George. You show those reprehensible, dishonest, irresponsible, cowardly and opportunistic Democrats who’s boss.
What a pity, though, that you didn’t listen to your own advice three years ago. What a pity that your own decision to invade Iraq was driven by “artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington and London”… instead of “by the conditions on the ground in Iraq and the good judgment of commanders”, as you seem to be suggesting now.

Ah well, better late than never.