Saved From The Skip

Top: file photo of Saddam's cunning disguise to evade capture.
Right: Iraqis celebrate their country's improved security levels


By our court correspondent in the Green Zone, Baghdad

Saddam Hussein’s trial resumed yesterday amid dramatic outbursts and scenes of unruliness in the courtroom.
Saddam himself appeared eight minutes late, loudly complaining that his toothbrush had been confiscated while he was brushing his teeth, and that prison wardens had deliberately misplaced the batteries of his Gameboy console.
“How can I conduct my defence in the face of these miscarriages of justice?” roared the former Iraqi dictator.

This outburst was followed by a 10-minute suspension of the live broadcast, during which time viewers in various parts of the country fired numerous shots into the air, loudly praising the occupying forces for the increased levels of security in Iraq since the war.

When the broadcast resumed, the judge was heard reading out the first charge… which, as the Skip had reported immediately after Saddam’s capture in 2004, was “failure to possess any weapons of mass destruction.”

“Despite knowing full well that justification of the war would depend on the discovery of stockpiles of illegal weapons of mass destruction,” intoned the judge, “Saddam Hussein deliberately and with malice aforethought failed to comply by fabricating the necessary evidence, resulting in much unnecessary embarrassment and awkwardness for the invading force.
“At the very least,” he added, “Mr Hussein could have ordered his minions to quickly manufacture a little nerve gas and maybe one or two mobile biological laboratories, so that the inspectors could later have something to show for the time and money that was wasted on a wild and ultimately fruitless goose chase...”

Defence counsellors fined
Meanwhile, two of Saddam Hussein’s defence counsellors were fined in absentia for contempt of court, after they failed to show up for the trial.
Chief defence lawyer, Skippy, immediately objected to this ruling. “Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut!” observed the bush kangaroo, adding that the counsellors in question were unable to attend that morning as they had been separately assassinated over the previous months. However, Skippy’s objection was immediately overruled.
“Being dead is not an excuse,” replied the judge. “After all, the first prosecution witness also died last week, and this didn’t stop him from testifying today...”

The judge then went on to list out the remaining charges against Saddam Hussein, which include:

> Invading a sovereign country without the necessary United Nations permission, and then citing clearly bogus reasons to justify this illegal act;

> Using chemical agents such as white phosphorus, despite the fact that the rules of engagement clearly stipulate that such agents may only be used by the United States and her allies;

> Torturing and abusing detainees in prisons such as Abu Ghraib, without the required approval and supervision of US marines;

> Sexual discrimination in the choice of torturers, with selection limited to male applicants only;

> Maintaining “secret prisons” without the knowledge and consent of the CIA, and in countries other than Poland and Bulgaria;

> Suppressing unfavourable media coverage of his actions by “accidentally bombing”, “threatening to accidentally bomb”, or “joking about threatening to accidentally bomb” any unaccommodating international television stations;

> Failing to provide citizens with sufficient bouquets of flowers to lay at the feet of the conquering heroes, and finally;

> Attempting to evade capture by impersonating Father Christmas… itself a crime according to Islamic law, as Father Christmas is by definition a Christian icon.

The case continues…

Skip Records is proud to present Lou Hendrix Experience: Radio Chogm - the official (pirated) soundtrack to the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, held last weekend to enormous success on the island of Malta.

Features such unforgettable classics as:

We Will (Try And) Rock You, by Tony Zarb and the General Wookies' Union;

I've Got A Luv-er-ly Bunch of Coconuts (and not much else), by the Barbados Brass Band;

Blown Away, by St Vincent and the Grenades;

Puff the Magic Ganja Stash, by the Jaimacan Junkie Jazz ensemble;

Jailhouse Rock, by the Ugandan Opposition Orchestra;

And for all you Smiths fans out there,

Hang the Dealer: an original cover version by Singaporean pop legends, The Executioners

Not to mention, of course, a random selection of "live" solos from the Guitar Maestro himself.
So what are you waiting for? Order your copy now, and get a life-size CHOGM poster courtesy of "W.E." (Whopping Egoes)... absolutely free!

(PS: Apologies for photomontage quality... I'll get better on Photoshop, I promise.)

JORDAN: In the wake of recent terrorist attacks in Amman, King Abdullah has waged a "relentless war" on extremism.

"Death to all extremists" is the slogan of his new campaign, which aims to eradicate all fundamentalists, militants, radicals and jihadists, as well as anyone else who fails to agree that tolerance and moderation are the only way forward.

"We will fight the extremists on the river-banks, on the sand-dunes and in the oases," explained a spokesman for the Royal Family. "We will obsessively hunt, track down and smoke out fanatics throughout the country, until every last mother******* one of them has been identified and terminated. They can run, but they can't hide. And they will know that our name is the Law when we lay our vengeance upon them. Now let's go to work."

Naturally, because the spokesman's comment was by definition "extremist", he was immediately arrested, imprisoned and executed, thus becoming the royal edict's first victim.

Pressed for a comment by Skip News, all King Abdullah would say was: "It's good to be the King..."

Once again, US President George W. Bush paid a lightning visit to Iraq to celebrate Thanksgiving with the troops.
This time, for security reasons, he had to be camouflaged in such a way as to attract as little attention as possible.
"Let's face it," commented the White House's personal costume designer, seen here applying the final touches to the President's outfit, "Statistically speaking, it's a heck of a lot safer to be a Thanksgiving turkey in Iraq these days..."

EXKLUSIVE: Saved From the Skip's FAQ about the new pub licensing laws and how they will affect YOU

What is "binge drinking"?
According to one theory, "binge drinking" is the act of consuming large quantities of a cocktail called "binge": equal parts bacardi, gin and engine oil, believed to have been accidentally discovered by a crossword enthusiast while stuck on a clue.
However, a more popular definition is the one provided by Alcohol Concern: binge drinking is drinking which gets you drunk.

You mean... there's some kind of other way to drink alcohol?
In the vast experience of our team of Skip researchers... No.

Why has the UK government finally decided to liberalise its pub licensing laws?
For the same reason that monkeys eventually had no choice but to come down from the trees. But the political reason is another. It's all part of a pan-European drive to gradually harmonise alcohol consumption in all 25 member states.
One of the main factors is competition from China, which has doubled its number of confirmed alcoholics in recent years, and at this rate will overtake Europe as the worldwide fastest-growing alcoholic society by 2010. In fact, many European alcoholics are now relocating to China in search of cheaper booze. It's called Liver Drain, and has seriously eroded European competitiveness in the alcoholism sector.
Besides, even within the confines of the EU there are serious disparities in alcohol consumption levels. Southern European countries, for instance, are noticeably below par. In Italy, ice-cream sales continue to double those of beer in the summer months. In Spain, it is still customary to drink beer from a tiny, thimble-sized measure called a "cana": clearly no match for Britain's pints, Germany's litres, Ireland's yards, or the industrial cement-mixers favoured in most parts of Scandinavia.
Meanwhile, in France alone there is a discernable national disparity in alcohol consumption between north and south... which might help to explain why this month's riots were so much more violent in Paris, Lilles and Rouen than they were in Marseilles and Toulouse.

Is Britain is falling behind its European partners in the alcohol stakes as well?
Undeniably. For years now the UK has been unable to compete with more liberal European countries precisely because of its outdated licensing laws. According to figures released by Eurostat, the UK has slipped a further six places in the European League of Extraordinary Alcoholics. Very soon, it will no longer be able to form part of P8 (The world's eight most pickled nations, which regularly meet at Gleneagles for a pint or fifteen...)

How has government reacted to the first night since the new laws came into effect?
Very badly. The Skip is reliably informed that various government departments, especially the Ministry of Illicit Drugs and Excessive Drinking, were apoplectic at the news that there were no major scenes of drunken mayhem throughout the nation.
According to one source, Britain may have "passed the point of no return in its gradual transition to national sobriety". For this reason, the licensing laws may be followed by new legislation which will make sobriety in public places a crime after 10pm. Even "not being drunk enough" may be considered an offence...

How can you tell if you're not drunk enough?
There are a number of signs to look out for. For one thing, considering the prices of drinks these days, excessive alcohol consumption can seriously affect the contents of your wallet. If you can still afford a taxi after a night on the town, chances are you haven't had enough to drink.
Traditionally, glazed eyes, shlurred shpeech and an inability to spel corerctly are all well-established symptoms of drunkenness. Others include: punching people for no particular reason, getting oneself forcibly removed from the premises by bouncers, loudly referring to all passing females as "sluts", "slappers" or "whores", (note: if female, referring to all passing males as "come-here-and-get-me-you-great-big-HUNK"), crashing out on benches or under cars, urinating in public, and - most common of all - impersonating a chorus of castrated howler monkeys trying to sing "My Way" while careening all over the street.
However, as all of the above symptoms can easily be faked, policemen will be conducting on-the-spot breathalsyer tests on people who look sober.

What are the penalties?
First time offenders will be let off with a warning, but if caught again they will be forced to down seven pints in quick succession, and fined 14 packets of crisps. Repeat offenders may be sentenced to six months on the drip.
Until such laws are passed, however, the brave boozers of the United Kingdom are urged to remember the words of their immortal alcoholic admiral, Lord Nelson: "England expects that every man will do his (hic) duty... So top me up, Hardy!"

According to a top secret document leaked to the Skip, US Vice President Dick Cheney is actively considering legislation which would ban "Iraq revisionism": that is, the act of suggesting that intelligence was somehow manipulated by government to mislead the nation in the run-up to war.

It seems he got the idea from Austria, where revisionist historian David Irving faces trial for "Holocaust Denial"... a crime which carries a maximum penalty of 10 years.

"Those Austrians sure know how to handle historical dissidents," Cheney is reported to have said when he heard of the case. "That's exactly the kind of treatment we need for all these shameless, hypocritical, reprehensible, dishonest, double-dealing, dirty, low-down, Democrat revisionist traitors!"

The legislation, called the "Honesty Act", is currently being drawn up by the Ministry of Truth. Among the activities that it will make illegal are:

> claiming that the President was dishonest about the extent of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein in the build up to the war.

> claiming that the Niger Uranium allegation made in the State of the Union Address 2003 was known to be false at the time of the speech;

> claiming that the US tried to create a link between Iraq and September 11 before the war;

> claiming that George Bush seriously believes God told him to invade Iraq;

> claiming that US forces used white phosphorus against human targets;

> claiming that the US president contemplated bombing Al Jazeera in Qatar;
and finally:

> claiming anything at all without the written approval of the US State Department.

After years of consistently adopting controversial positions on anything and everything under the sun - war in Iraq, fox-hunting, the proposed 90-day terror bill, the smoking ban, the relaxation of pub laws, education reform, and more recently, the announcement that Britain will once again go nuclear - British Prime Minister Tony Blair astounded his critics yesterday by saying something that wasn't outrageously polemical or furiously uncompromising.

The incident took place shortly after Mr Blair gave evidence in front of the Commons liaison committee, during an informal moment in the presence of a number of lobby journalists. So bland and inconsequential was Mr Blair's comment that nobody present could afterwards recollect exactly what it was he said. However, all admit that it was something "any old person would say", and with which they "could all agree upon" for a change.

However, Mr Blair's fiercest critics were unimpressed by the apparent change of heart. Contacted by the Skip, Abdul Bas, spokesman for the Brotherhood of Blair-bashing Muslims, claimed that the comment was "nothing but a smokescreen to deflect attention from the worsening security situation in Iraq."

Elsewhere, the newly formed political pressure-group, B.LU.R.B. (British Labour Union of Revolting Backbenchers), issued a statement in which they declared their continuing opposition to anything Tony Blair says or does, regardless of when, where, how or why.

The B.L.U.R.B statement ended on the ominous note: "One Gordon Brown! There's only one Gordon Brown! One Gordon Bro-o-O-O-o-own...!"

So you thought the Daleks were stupid cos they couldn't climb stairs? Well, it seems that the latest alien to grace the popular Dr Hu series - "Dubya the Dim" - has his own mobility limitations, too.

He can't open doors.

Seen here in this exclusive pic taken during the filming of Dr Hu and the Christian Invasion, which starts on Skip TV on December 25, Dubya is the latest adversary to challenge the supremacy of our hero, the dictator and renegade Taiwan Lord, Hu Jintao.

In the new series, Dr Hu faces an invasion of radical gesticulating born-again Christians, who dare to criticise His Hu-ness on the thorny issue of Hu-man Rights... while conveniently omitting to mention the goings-on on the mysterious planet Guantanamo.

But the wily Dictator has a sonic screwdriver up his sleeve: the TRAD-US, a time machine which informs Dr Hu when it's time to talk about that teeny, weeny little business concerning trade deficits and stuff...

That's right, Doctor, you show them Hu's boss.

Dear Sir,

Your report of my obscenity was greatly exaggerated.

Yours sincerely,
Raphael Vassallo

From our science correspondent, Italo Dobull

Ever paused to wonder where we all came from? Why we're all here? And why you only get 16 cigarettes in a pack of 20 when you buy it from a machine?
Well, I have, and after decades of research and deep thought, I think I can finally answer all these questions:
We came here free with a packet of breakfast cereal.
We're still here because we haven't figured out a way to go anywhere else.
And you only get 16 cigarettes because the machine takes out four from each pack so it can have a quiet smoke on its own after the lights go out.

Prove it, did you say? Ah. That's another matter altogether. And guess what? It just got a whole lot more complicated, too.

You see, science was never an easy subject. Ask Galileo Galilei. All he said was that the "earth travels around the sun" (like, gee...) and look what happened to him. They cut off his bollocks and dropped them from the tower of Pisa, to see which one would hit the ground first.

Then there was Albert Einstein. He had only just formulated his General Theory of Relativity, when, according to theory, was killed by his relative, a General.

But you know how things work. Just because science is, by definition, difficult, that's no reason why we shouldn't invent even more difficult definitions to add to the difficulty.
Which brings me to Kansas, a place in the USA where buffalo once roamed, and bull now abounds. (And where, I might add, the world really is flat... and I know because I've driven through it.)

Earlier this week, the Kansas State Board of Education took the brave new decision to "redefine" science. Not, mind you, that the laws of science work any different in Kansas than anywhere else (unless, that is, you count a certain bar in Wichita... in which it appears that liquids flow upwards instead of downwards, thus defying gravity and forcing patrons to stand on their heads while drinking...) No. It's just that, well, they're worded different, that's all.

According to the traditional definition, science is "the human activity of seeking natural explanations for what we observe in the world around us."
According to Kansas State Board of Education, science is now "a systematic method of continuing investigation that uses observation, hypothesis testing, measurement, experimentation, logical argument and theory building to lead to more adequate explanations of natural phenomena."

Bigus dickus, you might be thinking. What’s the big deal? Oh, nothing much. Just that the former definition suggests that natural explanations arise from simple observation. The latter, on the hand, suggests that observation, along with a whole series of other factors, can be used to lend weight to existing theories which do not arise from simple observation at all.

Hence the trouble: you see, this is the same Kansas State Board of Education that has for years been trying to wipe the Theory of Evolution off the school curriculum, so that kids can be taught "the truth" about the universe. I.e., that it is actually only 5,000 years old, and that it was created in seven days by a bloke called God.

Which, for all I know, might even be true. After all, there are stranger theories to account for the origins of life, the universe and everything. According to Douglas Adams, for instance, the Jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure. (However, this does not answer the immediate question: whose nose was the Great Green Arkleseizure sneezed out of in the first place?)

And there are even loopier ones, too. That the universe is actually an artificial matrix created to shield us from the nasty truth that we have been taken over by nano-machines. That the human race is actually a computer virus. That God is actually Keanu Reeves. Or that we really did come free with a packet of breakfast cereal.

So like I said, science just got a whole lot more complicated. Enjoy the ride.

Anti-war campaigners are beginning to worry that the “Let’s All Bash Bush Bandwagon” might not be big enough for the millions of people worldwide who seem to have suddenly realised that it might not have been such a good idea to invade Iraq after all.
A US poll published yesterday revealed that up to two-thirds of Americans now disagree with the Iraq war. Which raises an immediate question. Guys… what took you all so long?
But never mind. There may still be people out there who have yet to make up their minds. So to help you with this choice, here is Saved From the Skip’s exclusive guide on "How To Adopt A Win-Win Position On The Iraq War" – tried and tested by a number of leading politicians, including John Kerry and Bill Clinton.
So what are you waiting for? Find out how you, too, can change your opinion depending on what suits you most at any given time… starting with Day One: the decision to go to war.

Step 1. Give the decision your tacit support
Don’t worry, you can always change your mind later. Even Clinton, who now calls the war a “big mistake”, was originally in favour way back in 2003 (i.e., when his support actually mattered). So was Democratic representative John Murtha. In fact, he even voted to go to war... though you might be forgiven for thinking otherwise, considering he now describes the whole thing as a “flawed policy”, and even advocates a total pull-out, asap. And what about Silvio Berlusconi? (Not that we’re picking on him here at the Skip, or anything like that…) He was one of the original Coalition partners, per carita’. Now that an election is five months away, off he goes claiming he was against the idea all along, and that he even tried to dissuade the US president in private…

Step 2. Keep quiet for two years, and wait and see how things develop.
Don’t go shooting your mouth off too quickly. You never know, the war might turn out swimmingly in the end. Keep your ear to the ground, and wait for the critical moment to strike.

For instance: If things go really well…
…like, if Iraqi children line the streets after the fall of Saddam, laying garlands at the feet of heroic US liberators as they march triumphantly into the city;
… if stockpiles upon stockpiles of WMD fall out of every cupboard, and turn up under every bed;
… if Star Spangled Banners are hoisted, together with flags of the Democratic Republic of Shiny Happy Iraqi People, over the skyline of a freshly rebuilt Baghdad;
…if Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds all forget their differences, embrace each other lovingly, and dance hand in hand by the light of the moon;
… and above all, if nice, juicy reconstruction contracts start raining like confetti all over the Western world…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 3: Outhawk the hawks
Make public declarations in praise of this great victory for Democracy and against the forces of Evil, never missing an opportunity to remind everyone how you had always given your wholehearted and unwavering support for this noble mission; how proud you are of this Great Nation; how you never once doubted that good old George would pull it off in the end, etc., etc.
(Note: vomit bags are stowed under your seat)

If, on the other hand, things go rather shittily…
… like, for instance, if ungrateful insurgents insist on raining all over your parade by refusing to simply bow down and accept your military occupation of their country;
… if the weapons of mass destruction turn out to be the figment of a mass delusion;
… if more and more evidence comes to light suggesting that the entire case for war was crafted upon, at best a mistake, at worst, a downright lie;
… If the international press is suddenly awash with images of US soldiers abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib;
… If allegations suddenly surface that Coalition forces have themselves used chemical weapons, at a time when Saddam Hussein is on trial for his life for doing pretty much the same thing (and worse, if Coalition forces are obliged to admit that they had lied about it earlier)
… If both Republicans and Democrats back home suddenly join forces in a bid to end this madness once and for all;
… and above all, if things start looking pretty bleak for Bush & Co. after a whole series of administrative cock-ups and errors of judgement, from Hurricane Katrina to Hurricane Miers…
Then proceed directly to:

Step 4. Exterminate the brutes
Come out strongly and unequivocally against these stupid Republicans; criticise their administration and every aspect of their handling of this entire fiasco; choke back your tears as you loudly remonstrate how you had always been against this tomfoolery, and had tried to talk sense into those warmongering morons from day one… and above all, get cracking on your Senate and Congress election campaign as quickly as possible!

Long live Consistency, Amen.

Skip Cinema reviews this week’s top release

Dark and difficult times lie ahead: Hogwarts School of Weapons and Wizardry stands accused of using banned alchemical agents to quell a house-elf insurgency at Hufflepuff Hall.
As The Daily Prophet publishes moving pictures (in every sense of the word) of charred elf corpses, the Ministry of Magic weaves a complex web of spells and illusions to spirit away the inconvenient scandal.
After all, argue the spin wizards, the incantation used at Hufflepuff was not exactly the same as the one banned by international law: it’s only the effects that are identical...
Besides: the Weapons of Magical Destruction Treaty refers specifically to civilian targets, and we all know that house-elves are second-class citizens…
So it’s left to that snotty little wiz-kid, Harry, to expose the truth about "He Who Must Be Shamed" once and for all. But beware: here be dragoons…
Released by New Lie Cinema

Also released this week:

Corpse Bride: Romantic comedy shot entirely on location at a wedding reception at the Amman Hilton. Explosive stuff. Directed by Tim Burnt.

Breaking news

Washington has expressed dismay at allegations of torture and abuse of prisoners by Iraqi police in a bunker in central Baghdad, sources close to the Skip have revealed.
“The allegations are very serious, and we have undertaken a full-blown investigation into the incident,” claimed a spokesman for the Department of Defence. “After all, it should be perfectly clear by now that only US soldiers are permitted to torture and abuse Iraqi detainees...”

Babar the Elephant, currently facing extradition to the United States on charges of inciting terrorism, has vowed he will carry on fighting to clear his name.
"I am innocent of these charges," said the King of Celesteville, who will be celebrating his 75th birthday early next year. "It's all a plot by Lord Rataxes the Rhino! He's been trying to usurp my kingdom for years!"
Babar's wife, Queen Celeste, has made a public appeal against her husband's extradition. Together with their legal team, consisting of chief counsellor Cornelius and Zephyr the monkey, the Royal Elephants are confident that the decision will be overturned.

Skippy, star of the 1960s TV series Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, has been appointed defence counsellor on the team defending Saddam Hussein in Iraq.
His appointment fills the vacancy left by his predecessor, who was shot dead last month.
After retiring from television in 1969, Oz's most popular kangaroo earned a law degree from Brisbane University, and has been practising ever since.
Asked for his comments about his predecessor's fate, he replied simply: "Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut."
Skippy himself was targeted in a failed assassination attempt at his home in Waratah Park, Sydney, in 1970.

Everything you ever wanted to know about chemical weapons but were afraid of getting nuked if you asked...

Q. What is a chemical weapon?
A. Any of a number of weapons using chemical agents banned under the international Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC) which came into force in April 1997. To place your own order, click here.

Q. What's the difference between a "chemical" and an "incendiary" weapon?
A. Simple. If it's used by a dictator or terrorist, it's "chemical". If it's used by Coalition forces, it's "incendiary".

Q. Are there any legitimate uses for chemical... sorry, incendiary weapons?
A. There are many reasons why the use of such weapons is perfectly legitimate in war. For instance, in the siege of Fallujah, officials claimed that white phosphorus was used for "illumination" purposes. In fact, eye-witnesses claimed that enemy insurgents were plainly visible as they emerged from their trenches and spiderholes engulfed in balls of flame...
According to the same source, white phosphorus was also used in Iraq "as a potent psychological weapon against the insurgents."
As you can imagine, the psychological effect of seeing your own skin melt, and your body burn to a crisp while your clothes remain intact, can be very devastating.

Q. What happens if you're caught using chemical weapons?
A. Depends on who you are, who you bought them from and what you used them for. For instance, if you're a brutal Middle Eastern dictator and you purchased your chemical weapons from a Western country, then you can feel free to use those weapons on your own population... on one condition.
You have to play ball with the country/ies from which you bought the weapons... forever.
The moment you cease to play ball with those countries, your use of chemical weapons will be deemed a crime, your country will be invaded and occupied, and you yourself will be deposed, tried and eventually condemned to death.

Q. What about the people who sold you the weapons?
A. They will continue selling weapons to your successor under the same conditions, naturally.

Q. And what if it's a Western country that's been caught using chemical weapons?
A. Ah. In that case, here are a few simple steps to follow:
1: Deny ever having used chemical weapons, anywhere.
2: (When the evidence to the contrary becomes incontrovertible) Admit to having used them, but only "sparingly", and even then, for purely "legitimate" purposes (see above).
3: Blame your advisors for having given you faulty information, and sack your head of intelligence.
4: Remind everyone that your country is not, nor ever has been, signatory to the convention which banned use of such weapons in the first place.
5: Tell everyone to stop moaning and to keep in mind that the real baddies are the ones who are part of an Axis of Evil plotting to destroy democracy and blow up the Queen.
6: (If all else fails) Napalm the nosey sons-of-bitches.

Good evening, folks, this is your host, Bob Hopeless, and I'm here to conduct another episode of... Talkin' Bull!
On tonight's programme, we'll be "talkin' bull" about Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, and his confession this week that he "didn't really mean all that stuff about abortion" back in 1985.
Alito, Bush's replacement for Harriet ("Give me a Dubbya!") Miers, was chosen largely on the strength of his staunch right wing views.
And yet, these views appear to be at best flexible. Now that the Democrats have expressed outrage at his statements 20 years ago, Alito has sought to downplay his original comments.
Questioned by Senator Dianne Franken... I mean, Feinstein, Alito replied: "Things were different back then. I was an advocate seeking a job. It was a political job, and that was 1985. I'm now a judge... it's very different. "
Which brings us to the discussion point for tonight: Can someone say whatever he likes just to get a job, and then say the complete opposite the moment he wants another one? With us to discuss this issue is leading political analyst, Dr Paul Emickle.

"Thanks, Bob. If you ask me, it's perfectly natural for a man to change his mind every now and again. After all, it happens all the time..."

OK, but here we're talking about a position which carries intense political implications. Surely on matters of principle, a man in public office must be consistent...?

"What's so 'sure' about that? Just look at Silvio Berlusconi's whole backpedal about war in Iraq last week. Two years ago, he was 'just a businessman-cum-politician trying to get in on a piece of the action'. Now that it's all gone horribly pear-shaped, and elections are less than a year away, he's suddenly 'just another I-tried-to-warn-you wiseguy after the event.' I don't know why you're making such a fuss about it. It's called politics..."

Yes, Paul, but aren't the implications of Alito's U-turn that people can't really be believed when they make public statements in their official capacity?

"Yeah... so what?"

So what? So... like... OK, what about Iranian prime minister Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's comment about Israel last month?

"What about it? What's the big deal? One week he talks to a bunch of fundamentalist students and says that Israel should be 'wiped off the map'. Next, he turns to representatives of the EU and tells them: 'That? Oh, I was just trying to impress a couple of hardcore fanatical militants with some tough talk about Israel. Don't tell me you were taking me seriously...'' I mean, that's perfectly reasonable behaviour, isn't it?"

Is it? But by the same reasoning, couldn't someone like, say, Osama Bin Laden just turn around one day and... hang on: speak of the Devil, there's a live broadcast coming in just this minute from Al-Jazeera:

(Voice of Bin Laden on TV): "My friends in the United States of Amrika: Remember that whole World Trade Centre misunderstanding, way back in September 2001? Well, things were different back then. I was just a young, wannabe terrorist, desperately trying to grab some attention. But now that the whole global geo-political dimension has changed, I have realised it is no longer in my interest to be so radically anti-Amrikan. It's very different now. I want to start over with my relations with the West. So what say you we let bygones be bygones, and just forget all about the whole thing, eh...?"

We regret to inform our readers that there has been an error in our previous report of the parrot which allegedly died of Avian flu in quarantine in the UK.
In reality, it was not a parrot at all, but a Taiwanese finch.
Consequently, our report of the first case of Avian flu to hit the UK should actually have read:
"This finch is no more! 'E has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! ... 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!
THIS IS AN EX-TAIWANESE FINCH!"

We apologise for any inconvenience caused by the error.

Rioters across France have turned to the European Union for financial assistance, after rising oil prices have adversely affected their ability to manufacture petrol bombs and Molotov cocktails at competitive rates.

French petrol now costs over 1.25 euros a litre, which is also the approximate cost of a single petrol bomb.

"Over the past two weeks, we have torched an average of 1,200 vehicles a night across the entire country," complained one teenage malcontent from a Paris banlieu. "That's not to mention all the schools, churches, police stations, supermarkets, restaurants, bars... Can you imagine the economic impact of all this activity on the underprivileged and unemployed?"

The complaint, addressed to European Commissioner for Competition, Neelie Kroes, pointed out that under current EU legislation, the French government is obliged as far as possible to maintain a level playing field in all spheres of activity.

However, while the French police are provided with weapons, armour and salaries by the State, no such assistance is offered to the rioters themselves.

It was further noted that the tear gas used by the French police - which consists of benzyl bromide or CS gas - remains entirely unaffected by the fluctuations in market oil prices... a fact which, the rioters argue, benefits the authorities and goes against the EU's core principle of Free Trade.

Therefore the rioters have formally requested an EU subsidy on petrol, as well as the right to be provided with helmets, Perspex shields and rocket-propelled grenades free of charge.

In response, Commissioner Kroes said that the rioters' complaint is currently being examined by the Commission, which will probably issue a formal reply in around 64 years' time.

She also pointed out that funding is, was, and has always been available to rioters, not just in France but in all 25 member states, under the terms of the Militant Arsonists and Immigrant Minorities programme (MAIM)... not to mention the popular "Torch A MacDonalds Today" scheme, co-funded by the EU in conjunction with private enterprise.

All the rioters really had to do, the Commissioner continued, was simply fill out the standard 9,000 forms, available for download from the Commission's website, and then send four copies of all the relevant pages, complete with all the necessary identification, to the appropriate 3,400 addresses within the stipulated deadline... but not before finding a local sponsor who would be willing to provide up to one third of the total estimated costs of the entire project... the remaining two thirds being shared equally between the member State itself and the Regional European Department of Traditional Administrative Protocol Extravagance (R.E.D.T.A.P.E.)... after which the project would naturally have to be discussed in the Senate and approved by Parliament, and even then, there would be a substantial transitional period before...

Sadly, the Commissioner was unable to conclude her reply, as by this time the French riots had spread all the way to Brussels, resulting in the storming of the Berlaymont Building and the subsequent execution by guillotine of the entire Commission in Place Luxembourg.

FIN

Special report from our Science Correspondent, Italo Dobull

Fascinating thing, science.

Let me give you an example. This week, a team of researchers at... well, I'll be damned... Cardiff University discovered that what your granny used to tell you about keeping warm in winter was actually true.
You are much less likely to catch a cold if you cover up warmly, than if you go prancing around butt-naked in below-freezing temperatures.
Funny you should say that: I was thinking exactly the same thing. Where on earth would we all be if it wasn't for science nowadays?
But how, you might be asking, did these researchers come up with such an extraordinary discovery?
Simple. They conducted an experiment, in which a group of 90 people (let's call it "Group A") spent 20 minutes dangling their bare feet in bowls filled with ice-cold water.
Meanwhile, a control group of 90 people (let's call it "Group A-146920") spent 20 minutes dangling their bare feet in bowls which were not filled with ice-cold water.
Later, the scientists observed how 29 per cent of Group A caught a cold within five hours, whereas the corresponding statistic for Group A-146920 was only nine per cent. (Oh, and in case you don't believe me, they published these results in Family Practice magazine.)
Conclusion? Hey presto! You are much more likely to catch a cold when you are... um... cold.

Wait, it gets better. You see, there may be an alternative reason for this phenomenon. According to a certain Professor Eccles - presumably, no relation to the Goon Show character of the same name - it might have been because they left their noses uncovered.
You see, Prof Eccles has just discovered a remarkable fact about noses: they're colder on the inside in winter than in summer.

How strange. And there I was, thinking that the temperature inside one's nostrils and the temperature outside were inversely proportional to one another...
Right. That's all from Skip Science this week. Except to say that, I too, have made an important discovery this week.
It's not such a long way to Tipperary after all. Not, at least, if you start your journey from Limerick...

Gesundheit.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and just before dawn
Santa appeared on the White House front lawn.

George Bush, at the time, was asleep in his bed
While visions of terrorists danced in his head.

With a start he awoke, and just as he feared
He saw through the window... a man with a beard!

So he called the police. They answered: "Hello?"
"There's a man in my garden, crying 'Ho, ho, ho, ho!'

By the size of his coat, and the sack on his back,
He must be a bomber, about to attack!"

Alas! For George Bush had unwittingly said
A couple of words the authorities dread

Such as "bomber", "attack", which obviously means
That the nation's in danger... so call the Marines!

Poor Santa was taken with hardly a fight
His reindeer and sleigh were impounded that night.

He was questioned (and shaved) by the full CIA
Then moved to a cell in Guantanamo Bay.

There, he was forced to "do things" to himself
(As well as to simulate sex with an elf)

Until, in the end, he just broke down and cried.
"It's true," sobbed poor Santa, "I'm on Osama's side!"

Back at the White House, a press briefing began.
"We got him," they said. "We have captured the man!

A most dastardly outlaw, the worst of the lot."
They then revealed parts of the "Santa Claus Plot."

"He was planning to hijack a one-horse drawn sleigh
And use it to strike at the heart of L.A.

Then he'd come down our chimneys, and blow up our trees,
And fill up our stockings with WMDs..!"

When he heard this, George Bush was remarkably thrilled.
"If you ask me", he said, "he deserves to be killed!

It's our peace and our freedom this terrorist hates!
Yee-hah! Hallelujah! And God bless the States!"

The phone started ringing. It was 10 Downing Street:
"Congrats, my old bean, on your wonderful feat.

It's Tony, your friend, and I'm pleased to report
You can count on, as always, our fullest support!"

But not all who heard were as easily swayed.
The French, for example, were greatly dismayed.

"Mais non!" some declared, and others: "Mon dieu!
Santa? N'est pas un agent de terreur!"

The UN, for its part, voiced considerable doubt
(But by now, the UN had long lost all its clout.)

But to all of these critics, Bush quickly replied:
"You must be with him, if you're not on my side.

God said to me, 'George: Santa's guilty, I'm sure.'
And if you say no, then it only means... WAR!"

So Santa was tried in a kangaroo court
With wallaby witnesses, who were all clearly bought.

He was promptly found guilty, then tied up and shot.
And his body was strung up, and left there to rot.

And that, my dear friends, will explain loud and clear
Why you won't be receiving your presents this year.

THE END

Note: this is an updated version of the original, published in the print edition of Saved From the Skip in The Malta Independent.

After recent revelations that George W. Bush was "told" to go to war by God, the Skip contacted our Father in Heaven and asked him the natural next question. What the hell are you playing at? Our special reporter, um, reports...

You might have heard of God before.
He's the guy who created the heavens and earth, and who sits in Judgement over the living and the dead.
He has also won Eternity Magazine's prestigious Creator of the Universe award every year for the past 15 billion years.

However, in recent millennia God has kept a relatively low profile. Rumour has it that he prefers to do the occasional spot of gardening rather than meddle in the affairs of men... so no one was more surprised than God himself when George W. Bush recently named him as the main inspiration behind his decision to go to war with Iraq.

"It's been a rough couple of weeks", admits God as we stop for a drink at the Pearly Gates Pub. "Ever since that story got out in The Guardian, our offices have been inundated with complaints and threats of legal action, mostly from the Middle East..."
But what happened exactly, I ask the Creator? What did you say to George way back in 2003?
God takes a long sip of his gin & tonic before answering. "You see, the trouble with George is that he's too eager. He's well-meaning really... just a little dim. However, not even I expected him to get such a simple message so utterly wrong. What did I say to him? My exact words were: George, I want to you to stop all this nonsense about the need to invade Iraq and to bring democracy to the Middle East. It's beginning to piss me off, you understand?"

Sounds pretty straightforward to me. So what went wrong? God shrugs his shoulders.
"It was my fault really. I forgot all about the CIA. Naturally they intercepted my communication, and by the time it reached George, the words 'stop all this nonsense about the need to' were mysteriously deleted, as was the entire second sentence. As you can imagine, the consequences were disastrous. Not only did George go and invade Iraq like I told him not to... but afterwards, he said the whole thing was my idea all along!"

But couldn't you just intervene to set things right, like in the good old days?
"What, you mean destroy Washington with a hail of fire and brimstone? Send the Angel of Death to pass over Number 10, Downing Street? I'm afraid that's no longer an option really. You're forgetting I signed a peace treaty with Noah after the Deluge, promising I'd never do that kind of thing again. And besides... fire and brimstone have since been re-classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction, and are therefore outlawed under the terms of the Armageddon Non-Proliferation Treaty..."

What about something a little less apocalyptic and slightly more, well, subtle?
"To be honest, I tried. I sent a couple of undercover secret angels to point the US in the right direction. However, they were outed by Lewis 'Scooter' Libby the moment their intelligence didn't add up to a total justification of the war. Mind you... it was worse with Tony Blair."

You mean you tried to talk sense into Tony, too?
"Sure I did. It was the only logical thing to do. Just before March 2003, I sent him a message saying, Tony - you'd be a fool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing. But I hadn't reckoned with Alastair Campbell. Not that he deleted anything... that's not his way. No, he just 'sexed up' my message so that it read: Tony - it would be cool to back George all the way on this Iraq thing..."

God shakes his head and sighs, accidentally dipping his beard into his drink. "I doubt it would have done much good in any case. You see, with George there was always some room for manoeuvre. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he's willing to listen. Tony, on the other hand, never listens to anybody but himself. The trouble with Tony is that he thinks he's me..."

I am about to ask God the standard interview question about his plans for the future - rumour has it he's working on a secret project, code-named "Universe Mk II" - when his mobile beeps suddenly.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, but I have to attend to a rather urgent matter," he says after reading the SMS with a look of concern. "It seems that George is now going around telling everyone I'm worried about Iran..."

Scientists have discovered a new, free and completely renewable source of energy that may end world dependence on oil once and for all.

It is called "political backlash steam" (PBS), and in spite of the fact that it is not exactly "refined", it remains far less pollutant than traditional energy sources.

The discovery was made by accident after the publication this week of Sir Christopher Meyer's memoirs. Scientists observed how the former US ambassador's diary provoked an instant heated reaction among politicians, which soon had sparks flying all over the foreign office and Number 10.

Professor Loup E. de Loupe, of the National University of Technology and Science (NUTS) , was inspired to think of ways this energy could be harnessed and transformed into electricity.

"We decided to experiment by placing foreign secretary Jack Straw, secretary of state John Prescott and other political pygmies in a sealed chamber, and read out extracts of Sir Christopher's diary to them over a speaker system," he said.

Within minutes, it was observed that the temperature within the chamber had risen by almost 180%.

"When we got to the part about John Major's underwear, Jack Straw alone was generating enough steam to singlehandedly power the whole of New York city for at least a month", said Prof. de Loupe. "The amount of steam increased dramatically when senior diplomats, including Sir Michael Jay, were added to the chamber."

The UK has revealed plans to build an entirely new generation of power stations fuelled exclusively by PBS.

"Among the technology's many advantages is the fact that politicians will be removed from their present positions, and placed in controlled environments where they can actually do something useful for a change," said one analyst.

"Besides, because of the abundance of political gaffes and embarrassments known to senior civil servants, the supply of future memoirs through which this energy can be unleashed is practically boundless."

Skip skoop!

Chinese president Hu Jintao, currently in the UK to teach British PM Tony Blair how to deal with dissident upstart backbenchers, has just been awarded a doctorate by Oxford University.

Henceforth, he shall be referred to as... "DR HU."

In the first episode of a whole new series - Dr Hu and the Cyberpunks - the renegade dictator finds that his stranglehold on the Chinese media is under threat from a new alien species called "the Bloggers": a race of semi-human e-mutants who dare to defy the status quo by offering free and unbiased online news resources to the general public.

However, with the help of his faithful electronic dog, Yahoo.com, Dr Hu manages to capture the ringleader of these criminal free-thinkers, who is duly imprisoned, interrogated and ultimately exterminated, thereby restoring order to the Force.

Another happy ending for Hu...

Meanwhile, don't forget to check out the previous episode in the popular series:

Dr Hu and the Dalais: The time-travelling dictator visits a land that time forgot, and singlehandedly annexes it to his empire, thereby sparing the primitive inhabitants all the bother of sovereignty and self-rule...